


Kingdom Come

by queenannabethwinchester (orphan_account)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-10
Updated: 2013-10-15
Packaged: 2017-12-14 12:20:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 71,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/836804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/queenannabethwinchester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Castiel falls from heaven along with the rest of the angels, he discovers that losing his grace to Metatron has devastating consequences for him. Dean and Sam find him and bring him back to the batcave but they find that Castiel is not the same. They work to heal him as they deal with the aftermath of Metatron's actions and the continued burden of hunting as well as Abaddon's attempts to take over hell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first story ever to post on this site so I'm pretty nervous about it, especially since I've read so many amazing Destiel fics on here. 
> 
> About a week and a half ago I got a request on tumblr for a Destiel fic that picks up at the end of Sacrifice. This story is going to be pretty dark and it's going to be a deep look into Castiel's troubles after the angels all fall. Sam and Dean are going to be a huge part of the story with other characters making regular appearances.
> 
> This story deals with many difficult and possibly triggering topic such as PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, hallucinations, abuse, etc. It is a dark story so know that coming in. It is also going to be a long story, at least 30 chapters if not more. I would love it if you read it and let me know what you think. It would be a huge help to me to hear your feedback because this is my first time to write a really dark story that delves into pyschology and such. I did a lot of research on these subjects so I hope that I can do it justice.
> 
> Title and Music - Inspired by The Civil Wars song, Poison & Wine. I found a lot of inspiration from listening to The Civil Wars so if you want to listen to the music that I do while writing, just go to Pandora and listen to the Civil Wars station.

The cold of the night air seeped through his clothing. His body shook where he stood among the trees but he did not allow himself to dwell on it, not when the falling bodies of his brothers and sisters lit up the sky like meteors. He felt the wetness on his cheek but he could not lift his hand to wipe the tears away.

He could not even move, his feet rooted to the ground and his body frozen in place. All he could bring himself to do was watch with his head tilted upwards until the sky finally cleared. Then he knew that it was over. The angels all fell from heaven and the blame lay on Castiel's shoulders.

He hunched over, his body going limp as he fell to his knees and stared at his hands helplessly. His mouth fell open and his breath formed a cloud in the air that drifted off. He breathed in the frigid air and his body shivered once his lungs expanded, the oxygen his body now needed providing him with the ability to remain alive.

He pressed his lips together and, for a moment, wished that he could stop breathing. He wished that he had the willpower to allow the vessel which was now his alone to expire in the middle of the trees where it was unlikely anyone would ever find him. His body's instincts won out, forcing his airways open to breath in. His hands dropped and clutched at the dried leaves and branches on the ground, the sharp corners of sticks digging into his vulnerable skin.

"I'm sorry." The words fell from his lips before he could help it.

He didn't know whom he was apologizing to. His brothers and sisters for succumbing to Metatron's plan. His father for failing, once again, to keep heaven safe. Dean for not listening to him every time he tried to tell Castiel that he was going down the wrong path. Sam for refusing to believe that the trials would kill him. He only hoped that Dean got to the younger Winchester in time to stop him from perishing. Then at least they would still have one another.

It took several moments for Castiel's mind to catch up and for him to realize that the words that formed on his lips did not reach his ears. His forehead creased as his hand lifted to hold his throat where the blade pierced it. He felt the haunting reminder of the grace seeping out into Metatron's hands. He opened his mouth again but the only sound he heard was the wind floating through the leaves of the trees and the insects around him filling the forest with their songs.

Castiel's eyes fluttered closed and he dug his hands further into the ground, the pain in them reminding him that he was so very human now. His mouth opened wide in what should have been a guttural scream of anguish. Nothing. Silence. He fell to the ground then, his forehead pressed against it as his arms wrapped around his torso, stinging tears falling down his frozen cheeks.

He'd never felt such a deep, stabbing feeling of emotional pain and it took him by surprise, making his body convulse with sobs. It took a very long time to lift himself from the ground. When he did so, he didn't bother to brush the dirt off of his clothing. His feet crunched over the ground as he walked through the trees, his body numb and his face torn between an emotionless mask and the deep sorrow and fear in his eyes.

**********

"It's all right, Sammy. We're gonna get back to the batcave and everything'll be okay."

Dean knew that his words were falling on deaf ears. Sam passed out just as the sky cleared and he was currently sprawled over the backseat. The words spilling out of his mouth were more for his sake than Sam's. Dean wanted to calm his trembling hands because he didn't even like to show weakness when no one was around to see it. But the fear was still there. He almost lost his brother that night and Sam truly believed that Dean would be better off without him. He shook his head, echoes of Sam's confession floating around his mind.

He turned the radio on, trying to keep the thoughts out of his head but the radio stations were filled with panicked reports about the mysterious meteors falling out of the sky. That brought his mind back to the angel he yelled for as he ran out of the church with Sam slumped over his shoulders. Dean squeezed his eyes shut for a moment before inhaling deeply and shaking his head.

"Where are you, Cas?" he breathed out.

There was no answer, no sound of wings as the angel zapped into the seat beside him, scaring the hell out of him by his sudden appearance. Dean's hands tightened on the wheel, a stab of anger and fear piercing him.

"You better not be dead, you son of a bitch. I have to kick your ass for not listening to me… again." Dean growled, glaring out at the sky as if it would produce the stubborn angel.

He shook his head when there was no reply, switching the radio to his tape and leaning back in his seat once Zeppelin filled the cab of the Impala.

**********

When Castiel finally found the road, he stood at the edge for several minutes wondering what to do. No cars were driving down the road so he assumed it must have been a less-traveled road. He was slightly thankful that no cars were there. If someone found them, he wouldn't know what to do. He didn't know where he would be welcome or even how to tell that person where to go. So he began walking, his legs carrying him weakly down the never-ending dark road. His hands clenched into fists at his sides to keep them from shaking.

I want you to stop thinking about master plans, Heaven and Angels, and all this. That doesn't concern you anymore.

His nails dug into his palms as his eyes squeezed shut, trying to block out the voice in his mind. He swallowed hard and bowed his head.

These were never trials, Castiel. This is a spell. And what I'm taking from you now - your essence, your Grace - is the last piece.

Roaring filled his ears as he saw Metatron hovering over him with a vial, drawing his life force, everything that made Castiel what he is, out of his body with a satisfied smirk on his face.

And now something wonderful is going to happen, for me and for you. I want you to live this new life to the fullest. Find a wife. Make babies. And when you die and your soul comes to Heaven, find me. Tell me your story.

The sound in his ears grew louder and he put his hands to his ears, trying to block it out as he continued stumbling along the side of the road. That was when he realized that there was a bright light shining on him. He whirled around to see a car coming towards him. It suddenly screeched to a halt and the loud rumbling of the engine barely registered over the roaring in his ears. He heard a faint voice as he stared at the two lights that were blinding his vision.

**********

Dean rounded the bend in the road, barely registering the tan trenchcoat that his headlights washed over before his foot stomped on the brake and his car jerked to a stop. Relief filled him when he saw the figure turn around quickly, stumbling backwards. With his hands over his ears and his eyes widened in panic, he looked like a wounded animal caught in a trap. His door flew open and he climbed out without a second thought.

"Cas!" he called, moving forward.

The angel didn't react to his voice, staring into the headlights with his hands still over his ears. Dean rushed forward and, once he moved into Cas's vision, the angel stumbled backwards, flinching as if something struck him.

"Cas?" Dean stared at him. "Where the hell have you been? What happened up there? One second I was convincing Sam to stop what he was doing and the next there were angels falling out of the sky!"

Castiel stared at him as if he wasn't really processing what he was saying. His hands slid from his ears and he just stood there, looking at Dean as if he was speaking a foreign language.

"So you don't want to talk or…?" Dean questioned, trying to get anything out of the angel.

He just stared, his lips parted slightly and his body slumped as if he was carrying the world on his shoulders.

"Fine." Dean said with a tired frustration, shaking his head and turning away. "Just get in the damn car."

He didn't hear anything as he approached the driver's side and turned to see Cas still frozen in place.

"Cas!" his loud voice snapped him out of his stupor and he looked at Dean before looking at the car.

Then he moved, walking towards the other side of the Impala slowly and with uncertainty. Dean sighed and pulled the door open, climbing in. Castiel followed, sliding into the seat and closing the door before folding his hands in his lap.

"You can have your silent time but when we get back to the bunker we're talking about this." Dean warned him.

Cas didn't answer, staring out the window at the trees that blurred past them.

**********

When they did reach the bunker, Dean led Cas inside and sat him in a chair, telling him to stay put. Kevin was sitting in there looking skittish and asking questions that didn't reach Castiel's ears. He distantly heard Dean tell him that he would tell him what happened as soon as he took care of Sam.

Castiel sat there, his mind barely processing what was happening as Dean brought Sam in first, supporting his unconscious brother all the way back to his bedroom. When he came back several minutes later, he walked back outside through the open door. Cas still didn't react when he dragged Crowley through, the demon looking ruffled from his trip in the trunk.

In the back of his mind, he thought that Dean might have dragged Crowley back to the aforementioned dungeon that the bunker possessed. When he came back into the room, he dragged his hand down his face, looking exhausted but determined. He said something that didn't register to Castiel, his voice barely a low hum in his ears. He stared straight forward at the wall.

"Cas! Castiel!" Dean said louder, trying to get his attention.

Cas flinched and turned, not looking at Dean but instead grabbing a pad of paper and a pen. Dean watched with a furrowed brow as he began writing quickly.

"Hey! Could you at least pretend to acknowledge what I'm saying?" he said, walking closer to Cas. "Say something, Cas! Tell me what the hell happened tonight or I swear to…!"

"Dean." Kevin cut him off and he looked over at the prophet.

He tilted his head and Dean furrowed his brow, walking over to him.

"He doesn't… look good." Kevin murmured lowly.

Dean glanced over and after a moment of studying Cas, he knew what he meant. His skin was pale and his hands were shaking as he wrote. His lower lip was trembling slightly and his eyes were red-rimmed, all things that Dean didn't notice before. He'd been studying Cas for so long that he didn't notice when the angel slid the paper over to him, staring down at his lap as he did so. Dean snapped out of it and picked up the paper, staring at it with apprehension.

His eyes flickered over the words, the shaky scrawl much different than Cas's elegant handwriting that he was used to. As he read further, his eyes widened more and his heart began pounding in his chest. The nearer to the end of the explanation he got, the more his body began to grow weak. He sank into a chair and set the paper down once he read the last word, burying his face in his hands as he processed what he just read.

"Dean?" Kevin asked, concerned.

"Dammit." He whispered, wondering what he could possibly do or say.

"What is it?"

He looked up to see Cas staring at him like he was waiting for Dean to begin shouting again. When the hunter stood, the fallen angel flinched backwards slightly.

"All the angels fell, Kevin. All of them. Including… Cas." Dean sighed.

But that wasn't the worst of it. Whatever Metatron did to Cas when he did the spell and took his grace, the consequences were worse than the fallen angels.

"Cas can't talk." He breathed, causing Cas to tremble slightly at the words finally being spoken. "He's mute."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean convinces Cas to take a shower but the fallen angel experiences a flashback and breaks down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has read so far and I hope that you continue to do so.

“Did he tell you exactly what happened?” 

Dean shook his head as he placed the bowl of soup in front of his brother and another in front of Kevin, who was just watching and listening to them talk.

“He just said that Metatron used his grace to finish the spell. He never explained how the guy got it from him. Man when we misjudge someone…” he sighed, sitting across from Sam at the large table in the main room of the bunker.

“It’s not our fault, Dean. We couldn’t have known that Metatron wanted to kick the rest of the angels out of heaven.” Sam assured him, keeping the blanket huddled around his shoulders as he picked up the spoon with his bony fingers.

He still looked sickly but his eyes were brighter and his skin gained a bit more color as he slept for the few hours he did. When he woke up, he came out to find Dean sitting in a chair, rubbing his eyes and explaining how he just managed to coax Castiel into the shower to wash off the blood and dirt from his body.

“I should have convinced Cas to wait for Kevin to translate the tablet. Metatron was already acting shifty and we had no real reason to trust the guy. It turns out he’s like every other dick with wings we’ve come across. I mean, how do we even go about fixing this? How do we give thousands of angels their halos back?” Dean wondered, running a hand through his hair with frustration.

“I don’t know… but we’ll figure something out. Maybe Cas will have some ideas.” Sam suggested.

Dean glanced over at the doorway that led to the bedrooms.

“I don’t know if Cas’ll be giving us any ideas anytime soon. He’s pretty near catatonic. If I didn’t know better, I’d be worried he was accidentally drowning himself in the shower.” He commented.

“He’ll be fine, Dean. It’s Cas. He bounces back from everything, right? I mean with how much we’ve been through… he’ll be fine.” Sam said confidently.

Dean wasn’t quite so sure of that. Sam didn’t see how Cas was acting. He didn’t see the pure hopelessness in the fallen angel’s eyes. He kept his mouth shut, not wanting to ruin Sam’s faith that Cas would be just fine after a few days.

\-----------

He wasn’t used to the feeling of the shower beating down on him. Yes, he’d taken a shower a few times back when his grace faded away from him before while they were dealing with Lucifer but it felt so different now. Dean was the one who turned on the water and pointed out the soap to Cas before disappearing from the bathroom. 

He stood under the spray, a washcloth clutched in his hand. His eyes fought against the urge to squeeze shut at the feeling of water running down his face. Without looking, he reached for the soap that he knew would wash his body of the dirt.

His hand caught the bottle and knocked it to the ground. The loud clattering noise caused him to jump, slipping a little on the slick bottom of the bathtub. He caught himself and inhaled deeply, grabbing the bottle and straightening out. He poured a generous amount onto the wet towel and then put the soap down. He began running the rough cloth over his skin, scrubbing at the stains when he found them. 

He moved slowly, making sure that his entire body was impeccably clean by the time the soap ran out of the washcloth and down the drain. Once the soap washed off of his body, he set the towel on the edge of the tub. That was when he noticed that the water was becoming colder the longer he remained in the shower. He reached for the shampoo, wanting to get it over with soon. Catiel tipped the bottle over and squeezed it into his hand. His head titled back as he lifted his hand to rub the suds into his hair. His eyes squeezed together unconsciously. 

At that moment, a flash of Metatron hovering over him flashed through his mind. That image combined with the cold feeling of the water that mimicked how he felt when his grace drained out through the wound on his neck caused him to drop the shampoo bottle. He jumped once more, his eyes flying open and his heart rate picking up. His stomach twisted and he suddenly felt like the walls were spinning around him. The water felt like ice on his skin, prickling him painfully. Castiel stumbled away from it, practically falling through the curtain in his hurry to get out.

\-----------

The crashing noise was easily heard from the main room where they were. Dean looked at Sam with wide eyes before standing, moving towards the doorway quickly.

“Stay here.” He instructed Sam and Kevin before disappearing into the hallway.

He approached the extra room that he left Cas in, pushing the door open. The bathroom door was slightly cracked, the sound of the water still running and the light on. The light in the bedroom was off. Dean walked towards the bathroom and pushed the door open.

“Cas?” he called, pushing the door open.

The curtain was ripped open, part of it hanging off of the rod. There was water in puddles on the ground but Castiel was nowhere to be seen.

“Cas?” Dean repeated, confused as he reached out and turned off the water. 

He saw that the water led to the door and looked to see that it led out into the bedroom. Dean pushed the bathroom door open more, throwing the bedroom into the dim light. A figure was huddled in the corner. Dean stepped forward, his brow furrowed as he did so. Cas was in the corner with his knees bent to his chest and the tan trenchcoat that was clutched in his hands was the only fabric covering his naked body. He was trembling and staring straight forward.

“Hey, Cas.” Dean knelt in front of him, ignoring the nakedness out of concern for him.

\-----------

Castiel heard the roaring in his ears once more. He knew that the coat he was holding over his otherwise naked body was getting wet but he didn’t care, clutching the familiar garment even closer. His heart was beating quickly and he was finding it hard to breath, his chest rising and falling too quickly to be normal. His entire body was shaking both from the cold shower and from the panic he was experiencing. 

He heard a distant voice but he couldn’t quite place it before a hand clamped down on his shoulder. Castiel jerked away, his body letting out a violent shudder as his head snapped up to look at his attacker. It took a moment for his addled mind to realize that it was Dean crouching in front of him. He wasn’t attacking him. His face was full of concern.

“Cas, hey you all right?” the hunter asked with uncertainty.

He stared at Dean, his vision wavering between his face and the darkening of his vision as if he was about to pass out. Dean watched him, looking as though he was waiting for an answer. Cas opened his mouth, about to say something before he remembered that he couldn’t. Realizing that once again caused his breathing to pick up once more and his chest to tighten painfully as the words caught in his throat. 

He felt the pain of the blade slicing his vocal cords once again and his hand flew up to clutch at his throat. Dean chose that moment to reach out and touch Cas’s other shoulder. That was when the fallen angel snapped, cowering away from him as his hands flew out to struggle against Dean, pushing him away.

“Cas it’s all right.” Dean said, trying to catch his hands so that he would stop lashing out with them.

The fallen angel didn’t stop struggling, his entire body thrashing to get away from the hunter. When Dean finally managed to clasp his hands around Cas’s wrists, his eyes flew open and his mouth opened in a silent cry of panic. For a moment, he felt the cold manacles of the chair in Naomi’s room around his wrist. 

As soon as the vision ended, he began trying to escape Dean’s hold even harder, his entire body throwing itself away from Dean and into the wall as he shoved his fists into Dean’s chest. Dean realized that his restraint of Cas’s wrists wasn’t the right way to approach calming him down and let go of his hands. He pushed his way towards Cas, avoiding his flailing limbs.

Dean began spewing out reassurances as he fought to calm Cas down. His hands found the other man’s cheeks and he immediately cupped them without thinking, desperate for any way to reassure Cas that he wasn’t going to hurt him. The fallen angel froze, his body going limp as his wide eyes stared up at Dean.

“It’s okay, Cas.” He said, staring deep into his eyes as he tried to keep his expression as reassuring as possible.

Castiel was trembling underneath him, his heart thundering and his breath coming out in short gasps.

“You’re all right. You’re safe.” Dean said, his voice low as Cas watched him, looking like he was coming back from his panic attack.

Cas’s hands came up, sliding around Dean’s arms as he fought to control his breathing. His lips formed Dean’s name silently and he slumped down, blinking slowly as his heart rate slowed and his head cleared a bit. Dean watched, his hands not moving as he watched Cas come back to normal. The room stopped spinning for Castiel after a few minutes and he leaned his head back against the wall. Once his body regulated itself, he felt fatigue spreading throughout him. His eyes fought to stay open against the overwhelming urge to fall asleep against the wall. Dean’s voice pulled him out of his almost trance.

“No falling asleep yet, Cas. We gotta get you dried off and dressed.” He said, moving to stand up.

Castiel didn’t struggle, allowing Dean to pull him up as he held the trenchcoat around his waist to keep him mostly covered. Dean led him into the bathroom. Cas looked at the bathtub and flinched slightly at the reminder of his attack before the hunter sat him on the toilet after closing the lid.

“Let me exchange this…” he tugged at the trenchcoat. “… for this.” 

He set the towel over his lap and tossed the tan coat onto the counter. Cas held the towel to his waist and sat there watching Dean move with heavy-lidded eyes. When he noticed that Castiel wasn’t likely to dry himself off as his eyes were slightly glazed over and he was sitting perfectly still and watching Dean move around, he sighed and picked up another towel.

“Don’t tell Sam about this.” he grumbled, knowing that it was unlikely that Cas was even paying attention to what he was saying.

He put the towel over Cas’s head and rubbed it over his hair vigorously to stop the strands from dripping water onto his skin and the ground. When he moved the towel, he fought the urge to laugh at what he saw. He wasn’t entirely successful, a chuckle escaping from his throat. Cas’s hair was sticking up in every direction like he’d been electrocuted. It didn’t help that he was looking up at Dean with a confused look, his brow furrowed and his lower lip slightly pushed out.

Dean huffed out another laugh before proceeding to towel down Cas’s torso, making sure it was all dry. Cas’s skin was pretty cold so he knew he would probably have to give him a thicker layer of clothing than just a t-shirt and boxers. The former angel didn’t struggle anymore, lifting his arms and lowering them as Dean told him to do so. He passed the area that the towel was covering, moving onto his legs to dry those off before straightening up.

“All right I’m gonna go get you some clothes to throw on. While I’m gone you can dry yourself off the rest of the way cause that’s just not gonna happen, all right?”

Cas stared up at him. If Dean didn’t see the slight nod, he would have thought that Cas didn’t even hear him. He nodded back, turning to leave the room. By the time he came back holding a pair of sweatpants, boxers, and a long-sleeved shirt with a pair of socks, Castiel was standing in front of the mirror holding the towel around his waist.

“Here.” Dean set the clothes on the dry part of the counter.

Cas looked at them before glancing over at Dean. He nodded once and Dean sighed. He knew that Cas was trying to find a different way to communicate but Dean hated that he had to try. It was so quiet without Cas talking even though he didn’t talk much in the first place.

“I’ll leave you to dress.” He said, the wounded and devastated look that seemed to be permanent in Cas’s eyes now making him want to go find Metatron and kill the dick for whatever he did.

He didn’t leave the room, sitting on the bed once he closed the bathroom door. After a few minutes, the door opened and Cas walked out fully dressed and holding the trenchcoat. Dean stood and took it from him, hanging it over a hook on the door.

“We’ll find a way to clean that up.” He said, turning back to face the fallen angel.

Cas stared at him and Dean searched for a way to keep the silence from filling the room again.

“Come here.” He huffed, pushing Cas onto the bed.

The other man looked confused as Dean began fussing with his hair that was still standing on end. He didn’t completely smooth it down, finding that he preferred when his hair was messier rather than flattened down. But he did arrange it so that it didn’t look like he was struck by lightning.

“That’s better.” He decided.

He looked at Cas and saw that his eyes were heavy once again. He didn’t look stressed. In fact he looked like Dean had calmed him into a sleepy stupor by running his fingers through his hair.

“Lay down, Cas.” Dean tugged the blankets on the bed down.

He looked over at the other man to see him shaking his head, looking like he didn’t want to sleep.

“You’re about to pass out. Either you can do it sitting up or laying down.” Dean gave him a choice.

Cas stared at Dean resolutely, lifting his hands to rub the burning feeling away from his eyes before returning his determined gaze to Dean. The hunter stared back with a raised eyebrow.

“Seriously? You’re gonna be hardheaded about this?”

Castiel stared at him, still looking steadfast in his decision despite the fact that his body swayed slightly on the spot.

“Fine. I’m gonna go get you a glass of water, at least.” He grumbled, pushing himself up to a standing position and turning to walk out of the room.

Sam and Kevin were still sitting in the main room. They looked up at him questioningly as he sighed and put his hands on the table, bending his head down.

“What happened?” Sam spoke first.

Dean shook his head and lifted it up to look at his brother.

“I’m pretty sure Cas just had a serious panic attack. It took me a while to calm him down and I’m pretty sure we both have a few bruises from it. Now I’m trying to get him to go to sleep and he’s fighting me on it and…”

Sam stood, putting his hands on his older brother’s shoulders.

“Dean, it’s all right. We’ll figure this out. Whatever is going on with Cas we’ll deal with it. Okay?” Sam said, staring into his eyes.

Dean nodded slowly, sighing heavily.

“I told him I would get him a glass of water.” He said, turning to walk into the kitchen.

“Put some sleeping pills in the water.” Kevin suggested.

They turned to look at him, Dean with surprise and Sam with consideration.

“He’s right. Cas is human now so it’ll work and he won’t know the difference.” The younger Winchester agreed.

Dean stared between both of them for a few moments.

“Well it was your idea, not mine. At least it’ll get the guy some rest.” Dean sighed.

By the time he got the water and crushed up the sleeping pills in the drink, five minutes had passed since he left Cas in the room. Sam followed him back to give the water to Castiel.

“What are we going to do about Crowley?” he questioned.

“I’m content to leave him in the dungeon.” Dean said, smirking.

“Dean.” Sam sighed, unamused.

“I don’t know, Sam. What the hell do we do with a partially rehabilitated King of Hell? It’s not like there’s a manual for this situation. Right now I’m just gonna focus on what to do with Cas and how to help him out.” Dean said as they came to the door.

They looked in and froze at the doorway. Sam let out a slight laugh and took the water from Dean.

“I don’t think we’ll need this now. I’m going to go pour it out before one of us drinks it by accident.” He turned to shuffle off as Dean moved into the room. 

Cas was huddled in a ball in the middle of the bed, his knees drawn to his chest. His eyes were closed and his mouth was slightly open. Light breaths were puffing out of his lips as he slept peacefully.

“Told you.” Dean muttered.

He carefully nudged Cas closer to the top of the bed without waking him before pulling the covers over his body. The fallen angel let out a soft sigh before relaxing and letting his legs spread out underneath the blankets. Dean tucked the blankets underneath his chin before moving backwards and turning off the light before closing the door.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas has another breakdown and decides to try to hide his panic attacks to take his burden off of Dean and Sam. This leads to an even worse episode.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Just to let you know, I’m changing the name of the story to Kingdom Come by the song from the Civil Wars. I like it much better.

The air around him was hazy, filled with smoke so that he couldn’t see very far. He knew that he was strapped down and was enough to make him panic. He tried to open his mouth to speak or yell for help but it felt as though his throat was constricted by a weight. His attempts to talk ended up in pathetic puffs of air as he struggled against whatever bound him to the chair he was in. He arched his back, twisted his torso, and kicked his legs yet nothing worked.

“Should have given up Castiel.” A voice said, an airy quality to it that made it seem like it was surrounding him in the very smoke that he couldn’t see through.

The source of the voice caused his stomach to twist and his head to swim violently. He tried to say his name but nothing came out.

“Oh that’s right… I took your voice, didn’t I?”

He slammed his head back onto the chair, tears springing to his eyes and running down his face as he continued to struggle.

“If you keep struggling, it’s going to start hurting.”

True to Metatron’s words, the binds around his wrists and ankles began tightening and burning hot. He opened his mouth to scream in pain and nothing came out.

“What a pathetic little broken thing you are. You aren’t even worth torturing anymore. Though… I suppose I have nothing better to do alone up here in heaven. Might as well.”

A hand came out of nowhere and plunged into his chest. His mouth opened in a silent howl of pain as his body thrashed against the burning manacles.

\-----------

Castiel’s eyes flew open and he gulped in mouthfuls of air as he laid in the bed. He felt his clothing sticking to his skin because of the layer of sweat. His chest hurt and his heart pounded furiously as if his body wasn’t getting enough blood for its survival. He attempted to move and found that he couldn’t. 

His eyes widened and he looked down to see that the sheets wrapped themselves so tightly around him in his sleep that he couldn’t untangle himself from them. Castiel tried to keep calm when he tried to unwind them but eventually the leftover panic from his dream caught up with him.

He moved faster and faster until he was thrashing around trying to throw them off. His mouth fell open in silent sobs and his limbs ached and burned with the effort. One arm came free and flew out, knocking a lamp against the wall. It fell to the ground and shattered, the loud noise doing nothing good for his already frenzied nerves. 

He froze for a moment, his breaths coming and going in sharp puffs that didn’t seem to bring any air into his lungs. When he heard footsteps rushing towards his room, his panic rose even more.

Castiel worked harder to struggle out of the sheets but they only seemed to tighten around him as he did so. The door flew open with a bang and light flooded his vision. He cowered away from the noise and continued scraping at his bound wrist with his free arm. 

He heard a voice that sounded like it was in the distance but he didn’t pay attention to it. All he knew was that he needed to free himself. His nails dug into his wrist and he vaguely felt a pinch of pain but didn’t give it much thought as he dragged the nails across his skin in an attempt to free himself.

“Cas!”

The voice finally broke through his haze and he looked up to see a pair of wide green eyes hovering over him. Two hands seized his wrists and dragged them away from each other. All Cas felt was more restraints and he fought against them, kicking and struggling. Suddenly more hands seized him and he arched his back in an attempt to throw them off. Then he was free. The restraining sheets were gone and the hands were off of him as well. He scrambled up, pulling his knees to his chest. 

He felt a dull throbbing in his wrist and he wrapped his other hand around it as he stared straight forward. He heard voices but didn’t give them his attention. Eventually Dean’s face swam into his vision once again and he finally looked at it, staring at him. His lips were moving and Cas fought to pay attention to him.

“… let me look at your wrist.”

He caught the end of his sentence and looked down at his wrist, shocked when he saw blood leaking out from underneath his hand. He pulled it away and held his arm up, inspecting the deep wounds that his own nails caused when they dug in. Then he looked up at Dean with a surprised look as if the hunter could explain what happened since Castiel had no idea. Dean reached out hesitantly to take it and Castiel allowed him, watching with an aloofness that bothered the other man.

Dean’s hands were gentle as he took his hand and, as he inspected the wounds, Castiel glanced up to see that Sam was hovering by the end of the bed. He quickly realized that Sam must have been the other one to help release him from the blankets. He attempted to give him a grateful look but judging by Sam’s reaction, his face must have shown something else, possibly the twisted bundle of emotions that were loose in his mind. Sympathy flittered across the younger Winchester’s face.

“Sam, get me some alcohol and bandages? They aren’t bad.” Dean requested as he held Cas’s arm away from his body.

Cas didn’t move, or say anything, as Sam walked out of the room. Dean’s eyes flickered up to meet his and once again, the look on his face did not bring the desired reaction. Castiel wanted to reassure Dean that he was all right but something on his face made the hunter grimace and drop his gaze back to the wrist. 

Sam returned with a first-aid kit and dug through it, handing Dean the things he needed. Castiel watched, his eyes flickering all over the place, as they moved around each other. When Dean pressed a cotton ball filled with alcohol to his wounds, Cas hissed and tried to yank his arm backwards away from the stinging pain.

Dean automatically held on tighter but his eyes flew up when he realized his mistake. Castiel stared at him with wide eyes but didn’t attempt to pull away again. Dean took his stillness as permission and began cleaning the wounds again. He winced once more before becoming still. When the blood was all cleaned off, Dean pulled out a long bandage and wrapped it around Cas’s wrist. 

When he was done, he let the wrist go and Castiel drew it towards his chest, cradling it there. Dean looked at his other hand and took it gently, watching Cas for a reaction. He cleaned up the blood that dripped onto it before releasing it as well. Then he stood and gathered up the first-aid kit.

“You all right if we go, Cas?” he asked, unsure of what to do or say.

The fallen angel nodded, not looking at him for fear that he would get the same sad, pained look again. He didn’t like seeing the pity on their faces.

“Great, see you in the morning.” 

Sam looked hesitant but followed Dean to the door. The light flicked off and the door closed, leaving Castiel in darkness sitting on the bed. His breathing sped up slightly and he stared at the closed door for a few moments. He flew off of the bed suddenly, yanking it open and breathing a sigh of relief when he felt like he was no longer boxed in. He turned to walk to the bed again but heard low murmuring coming from nearby. He almost ignored it but he stepped out of the room, following the noise to the doorway of the main room. He hovered behind it, listening in.

“… that glazed look. Sam it looks like there’s nothing going on inside. His eyes are… I can’t even describe them.”

Castiel recognized Dean’s voice and knew that he was the subject of the conversation.

“What is there to do about it, Dean?” Sam sighed, sounding tired.

“I don’t know. But… this is the second time he’s freaked out. Maybe… maybe we need to take him somewhere. A hospital.” Dean suggested.

Castiel felt his heart pounding as he listened in. He slipped away from the door, not wanting to listen anymore. He knew what he just heard. Dean and Sam were tired of him. They both sounded exhausted and he was most likely adding to the burden. He knew that if he didn’t want to get sent away by the brothers, he would have to make sure that he stopped being a hindrance to them. Because Castiel knew that in his state, there was no way he could survive on his own.

\-----------

For a week, he managed to keep up the façade. He had nightmares every night but when he woke, no matter what state he was in, he ensured that he did not make a scene. When he experienced a flashback to Metatron taking his grace or falling, he worked hard to make sure that Dean and Sam didn’t notice, either leaving the room or simply looking away from them until his panic ceased. His breakdowns were always private. 

Each time he had a nightmare, he didn’t sleep for the rest of the night, simply sitting in his bed shaking and hyperventilating until his body calmed down then he sat there until morning when Dean knocked on his door to let him know that breakfast was ready. Sometimes, he would sit on the floor of the shower as the water ran over him and close his eyes, giving his body over to the rising panic and allowing his emotions to break out of him. 

The only emotion he kept reigned in was the anger he felt. He knew that if he let it go, there would be no chance of Sam and Dean keeping him around. He knew that letting it all out could be violent and he did not imagine that it would be tolerated by the brothers. There were some things he couldn’t hide from their concerned eyes. 

When it came time to eat, he found himself unaffected by the hunger that most humans experienced. Mostly he would push his food around and take a few bites before throwing it away, despite the disapproving looks from the hunters. But they wouldn’t say anything, both of them relieved that there were no more big incidents and neither of them guessing that Castiel was keeping his condition quiet.

Then came the day that they finally allowed Crowley out of the dungeon. They sat him down in a chair in the main room without chains. Dean and Sam sat in front of him. Sam’s look was hesitant yet hopeful while Dean’s was purely hostile, his distrust of the former demon made clear by his look. Castiel and Kevin sat away from them. Kevin was reading a book as Castiel simply stared at the wall opposite him listening to the conversation taking place.

“Sam assures me that you’re different.” Dean said gruffly.

“I am. I no longer want to torture and destroy lives. You have to believe me.” Crowley said.

“Yeah we’ll see. I promised Sam I’d give you a chance. One chance, that’s in. You’ll live down here in the bunker. You won’t go anywhere you’re not allowed and you will not go outside unless you have one of us with you. I don’t trust you so that’s that. If you show that you can handle this without being evil and, well… you, maybe we’ll talk about how much more freedom you get. But only if you tell us everything about what is gonna happen to hell now that you’re gone.”

Crowley took his chance, talking for over an hour about how the system will most likely break down until a new leader took over. They had a guess about who the new boss would be since Abaddon went after Crowley and escaped. When their terms were agreed on, Dean finally allowed Crowley to leave and Sam led him to a room, promising to get him some new clothing so that he could get out of the old, dirty suit that he’d been in for a week. Once the younger Winchester wandered back in, Dean turned to Cas.

“It’s your turn.”

Castiel looked at him with a furrowed brow and a frown.

“Dean…” Sam began.

“We need to know what happened up there, Sam.” Dean said, cutting him off.

He stood and walked to a shelf, taking a notebook and a pen off of it. Then he walked back to Cas and set them in front of him.

“This can be your designated communication… thing. Tell us, Cas. Everything you can, please.” Dean said, sitting back down.

Castiel stared at the notebook, wondering where to even start or if he could do what Dean was asking. He reached out with trembling fingers. 

“Dean, maybe we…”

Sam cut off when Dean gave him a warning look.

“I told you I would wait until Cas seemed to be a little better. Does he not seem a little better to you?” the older brother questioned.

Sam shook his head.

“Look at him, Dean. He looks like he’s about to pass out.” 

Castiel opened the book slowly and picked the pen up, poised to begin writing. Then flashes of where it all started filled his mind and the pen dropped from his hand.

“Cas?” Sam said, sounding worried.

His hands clenched into fists and he gritted his teeth together. Dean realized after a moment that maybe everything wasn’t so peachy as he thought.

“Hey… Cas you don’t have to…”

His hands shot out and seized the notebook as he felt something different building inside of him. Before he knew it, white hot rage was almost blinding his vision. Suddenly the notebook was hurtling across the room as he leapt from his chair. He skittered back at the loud noise but the pent up anger didn’t stop there. Dean darted forward to grab him, afraid that he would hurt himself. This was the wrong thing to do and suddenly the hunter was shoved onto the table with Castiel over him, his hand wrapped around Dean’s throat. Sam launched forward and tried to pry him away from Dean. Flashes of Metatron shoving him into the chair and slicing his throat went through his mind and he gripped tighter.

Suddenly an arm wrapped around his throat and dragged him backwards. Castiel struggled for a moment before his mind caught up with his actions. He yanked his hand back as if he’d been stung and slumped in Sam’s grip. As soon as the tall hunter released him, he was hurrying away, pressing his back against the wall. Sam didn’t look at him, helping Dean up as the older brother wheezed and clutched at his throat. He didn’t hear what they were saying over the thundering sound in his ears but when their eyes flashed to him, he cowered underneath their looks. Then he was running. His legs carried him as quickly as they could down the hallway and he stumbled into his room. He slammed his door shut behind him before continuing into the bathroom.

The door was closed and locked before he slid to the ground, burying his head in his hands and attempting to calm his quaking body. Guilt and panic ran through his veins, making tears burn his eyes and his stomach heave. He knew that this would happen and now it was doubtful that the Winchesters would allow him to remain behind. At the thought of being forced to leave them and go out into the world alone, Castiel launched forward and began gagging, his stomach releasing the few contents it held into the bowl. The sound of knocking startled him and he sobbed, dry-heaving as salty drops streamed down his cheeks and his body shook so hard that he felt like he was about to faint.

When his stomach stopped heaving but the knocking continued, Castiel curled up on his side on the cool tile and drew his knees to his chest, laying his cheek on the ground. The knocking continued followed by muffled talking that he couldn’t quite understand over the sobs ripping their way out of his chest. He would deal with being kicked out of the bunker later but right now he couldn’t work up the urge to move. It didn’t take very long for his body to succumb to the exhaustion of his lack of sleep, his eyes slipping closed and his body relaxing into a sleep state.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Review please and let me know what you think, good or bad.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel attempts to leave but Dean catches him in time to explain a few things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is language in this chapter

Dean, after waving Sam off and assuring him that he was fine, remained by the bathroom door for thirty minutes waiting until he couldn’t take it any longer. He finally pulled out his lock-picking kit.

“I don’t care if you’re naked, Cas. I’m coming in.” he warned, his voice hoarse, before squatting down to pick the lock. 

When he swung the door open, his eyes instantly fell on the sleeping figure on the floor. Cas was curled in on himself and Dean could see the tear-tracks on his face where he’d been crying. He sighed, bending down and turning him over gently. His arms slid underneath the other man’s body and he lifted him, grunting with the strain of the added weight before turning to stumble into the bedroom. Sam watched, ready to help Dean if he needed it. He bent down at the knees, carefully laying the fallen angel on the bed before pulling the blankets up over him and smoothing them down so they wouldn’t wrap around his body as they did before.

“Dean.” Sam gestured for him to walk out in the hallway with him. 

They leaned against the wall outside of the door after closing it.

“Honestly, before I didn’t see it. I thought that maybe Cas was just having some nightmares and maybe just needed some rest but this is so much worse, Dean. I think there is something seriously wrong with him. Maybe your idea of a hospital or a therapist at the least isn’t such a bad one.” Sam said in a low murmur.

“No.” Dean said simply.

Sam frowned at him.

“We’ll take care of it. We’ll take care of Cas.” 

“Dean, he just tried to kill you during a panic attack. Literally he almost choked you until you passed out and you think that we can handle this? This is way over our pay grade. This is something that needs professional help and we’re not even close to that. It’s not fair to Cas for us to force him to keep on living like this if we can do something to help him.” Sam argued.

“We will do something to help him but this isn’t exactly a normal situation. We can’t waltz into some crap psychologist’s office and explain that Cas is mute and having panic attacks because his dick of a brother took his grace to kick all the angels out of heaven. That is not what will help him. We’ll do research and we’ll figure out what the hell is going on and we will help him get better. Cas is our friend and this is on us, Sam.” Dean ranted, sounding certain of what he was saying.

His brother squinted at him for a moment.

“Friend, huh?” 

Dean narrowed his eyes at Sam.

“What are you trying to say?” he questioned.

“All I’m saying is that last time Cas went wonky you were all for leaving him behind in a mental hospital without a second thought while I was the one arguing that we should help him. Now you’re all for playing doctor and I’m just saying it’s weird. Especially since just a week ago, you were the one suggesting the hospital option.”

Dean shook his head.

“A lot has happened since the last time Cas went crazy and he’s not crazy now. He’s just damaged and we can figure out how to help him ourselves. It’s not like the doctors were much help last time, right? We will figure this out. And if you don’t want to help me, I’ll figure this out.” he said seriously.

Sam sighed, shaking his head.

“Of course I’ll help you, Dean. I just want to make sure you know that we aren’t even close to being qualified for this. It might backfire on us and we could easily have an even more broken fallen angel on our hands. You are taking Cas’s life into your hands and now that he’s mortal that means a lot more than it did before.” he said solemnly.

“If we’re not qualified right now, we’ll get there. We owe this to Cas. He needs our help, seriously, and I’m not backing down from this.” Dean decided.

He left it at that, turning to walk back into the room. Sam watched from the doorway as he pulled a chair up to the bed and sank into it. Dean leaned forward, his elbows on his knees and his chin on his clasped hands as he watched Castiel sleep. The younger Winchester sighed heavily before turning to walk back to his room, his head spinning with all that happened as he collapsed in his bed.

\-----------

When his eyes fluttered open, Castiel instantly realized that he was no longer on the bathroom floor. He was lying on something soft that he discerned was his bed. He sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he tried to block out the events that happened before he passed out. That was when he heard the quiet rustle to his left. His head snapped around and he saw a figure slumped in a chair beside the bed. Dean’s arms were crossed over his abdomen and his chin was tucked down into his chest. His mouth was open, letting out light snores that were the only sound in the room for a few moments. 

Castiel remained still, watching him sleep for a few minutes before he dared to move, sliding across the bed closer to him. Just as he reached out to shake Dean awake to ask why he was in there, the man’s head lolled backwards to reveal his throat. Castiel snatched his hand back and stared with horror at the dark bruises that already formed on Dean’s throat. He knew that if he reached out, the bruises would match up with the size of his right hand perfectly. He scrambled backwards, almost falling off the bed in his hurry to get away.

His breathing sped up and he found himself scrambling around the room as quietly as he could. Before he could really catch up with what he was doing, he had his old suit thrown on haphazardly from where it was crumpled in the bottom of the closet. He didn’t care that it was wrinkled. He left the tie off and grabbed his tan coat, shrugging it on before he yanked his shoes on, not bothering to tie them. 

Then he was running. The door slammed open as he escaped from the room but he didn’t care. All he knew was that he had to leave because he couldn’t bear to hear Dean and Sam telling him that he had to go. He heard a noise behind him but he ignored it in favor for running. He struggled with the door to the bunker but after a few moments he unlocked it and pushed his way out. As soon as he stumbled up the stairs, he noticed that it was raining. The cold drops drenched him almost in seconds but he didn’t turn back, staggering towards the road he knew was out there.

Cas couldn’t see very well through the darkness so he wasn’t sure of where he was going. When he felt a hand wrap around his arm and yank him backwards, he startled and trying to wrench away from whoever it was. Suddenly another hand grasped his other arm and turned him fully to face his attacker that wasn’t an attacker at all. Dean’s eyes glittered at him through the darkness and he saw the man’s face screwed up in confusion and worry.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he shouted over the loud rain.

Castiel stared back helplessly, his body unresisting in Dean’s grip. The hunter realized that he was waiting for a reply that would never come and his face fell a little bit.

“You have to stop pulling this shit Cas! I can’t watch you leave me agai…” Dean cut off, catching himself as Cas stared at him with a pained face. “You have to stop leaving us!”

Cas found that he felt very confused by Dean’s words. He shook his head slightly as he tried to understand, more vulnerable helplessness appearing on his face.

“Listen, whatever fucked up stuff you’re dealing with, it doesn’t matter! You don’t have to leave because of it! Let us help you! I don’t know where to start or what the hell is going on but I promise that if you come back inside we’ll figure it out and we’ll deal with it!”

Castiel shuddered as he felt the cold seeping over his skin and he stumbled forward, his hand reaching out. Dean didn’t even flinch when his fingertips trailed over the bruises on his throat. Cas couldn’t see them in the dark but he knew that they were there. His hands went to his arms, fisting in his jacket as he fought back the urge to scream at the reminder that he hurt the hunter. He must have let out a loud, choking sob because suddenly Dean’s arms were wrapped around him, one on his lower back while the other was just below his neck. Cas allowed himself to be pulled in. After a moment of standing there rigidly, he slumped in Dean’s arms and buried his face in his shoulder. His hands dropped and his arms wrapped around Dean’s waist loosely.

“It’s all right, Cas.” Dean murmured soothingly. “I’ll help you, I promise.”

\-----------

Dean finally managed to coax Castiel inside and he made him stand in the main room as he ran off to find towels and other clothes for both of them. Cas sighed, his head bowed as he trembled. When they lifted, he caught sight of the notebook sitting on the table. The front was a little bent but otherwise it was in one piece. He moved forward, finding the pen and opening the notebook after he shrugged off the dripping trenchcoat and suit jacket. His hand was shaky as he wrote but he persisted, scratching out the words he wanted to say.

“What are you doing?”

Cas’s head snapped up as Dean re-entered the room. He straightened up and dropped the pen, gesturing to the notebook. The other man walked over and peered at the paper, reading the words.

I thought you wanted me to leave. I thought you and Sam were going to ask me to go. I just wanted to save you the effort.

Dean scoffed, shaking his head before turning to him.

“You’re smarter than that, Cas.”

He dropped the towels and clothes on the table before reaching out and unbuttoning Cas’s shirt quickly, tossing it on the ground before yanking the wet white t-shirt over his head. The former angel frowned and jerked away when Dean reached for the pants.

“Come on, Cas. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.” Dean said, rolling his eyes.

Castiel still took a step back.

“Fine, I’ll turn away while I take off mine.” 

Cas did the same, stripping off his pants and reaching out to grab the towel. He didn’t take off the boxers as he dried off. When he turned to take the dry clothes that Dean brought him, he caught sight of the hunter peeling his jeans off. He stared at him with wide eyes before snapping his head away and quickly undressing the rest of the way before yanking the boxers on as well as flannel pajama pants and a grey t-shirt. When he turned back, Dean was partly dressed, his own pajama pants on. He was missing a shirt. Dean turned to him as he ruffled the towel through his hair. He let out a chuckle and walked to Cas. 

“You still look like a drowned kitten.”

He lifted the towel to Cas’s head and did the same to his hair, satisfied when he pulled away and saw it sticking up in every direction. Castiel began to frown at him again before he saw the bruises. Out of the darkness of his room and outside, he saw them more clearly. The dark blemishes stood out against Dean’s skin and he felt his heart drop at the sight of them. His fingertips trailed over them once more as Dean stood perfectly still, his eyes watching Cas’s face. Cas clenched his jaw, convinced he would not allow himself to break down again.

His hands drew away and he looked up at Dean, seeing emotion in his eyes and all over his face. He leaned in slightly, looking like he might embrace Castiel again. This time, the fallen angel jerked away automatically, barely registering the hurt on Dean’s face before it was covered up. He pulled away from Dean, turning to gather his wet clothing. With his head bowed, he turned to walk out of the room and back to his bedroom. Dean sighed, raking his hands down his face before reaching out to pull on his t-shirt. 

At that moment, he knew they had a long road ahead of them. He just hoped that it would all be worth it and that they would be able to the once angel. Because he wanted his Cas back, not this broken shell of the man he knew. When he walked back to the bedroom, he passed by Cas’s open room. He saw the figure huddled in the middle of the bed, his body sitting up and his eyes open and staring down at the blankets. Dean shook his head, wishing that they could skip straight to the healed Cas instead of having to take the long road.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me what you think! I welcome all feedback whether it's good or bad because it all helps me become a better writer.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is having trouble, Cas finds something to distract himself for a while, and Sam has an idea to help out the fallen angel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has responded with either comments or kudos, you all make me very happy.

As soon as Dean came out of his room, he found Sam and Crowley in the main room. Kevin had a habit of sleeping late now since he didn’t have to concentrate on translating any tablets now. Dean and Sam were still on a hunters sleeping schedule and Crowley was barely getting used to sleeping at all. Sam was on his computer and a plate of bacon, sausage, and eggs were laying on the table waiting for Dean.

“Mmm… thanks for the breakfast Sammy.” Dean sighed, eagerly shoving the breakfast food in his mouth.

Sam glanced up from his computer cluelessly.

“Hmm?”

“The breakfast.” Dean repeated.

“Oh I didn’t make it.” Sam waved off, nodding at Crowley who was looking anywhere but at Dean.

The older Winchester glanced between them before swallowing his bite.

“Oh.” He said.

Sam gave him a look and Dean scooped up more eggs.

“Thanks, uh… thanks Crowley.” He nodded at the former demon that looked up at Dean with surprise.

“You’re welcome.” He said, sounding pleased at the praise before he went back to staring at the wall.

Dean continued eating, confident that it wasn’t poisoned because Sam had an empty plate beside his computer. He knew that he had a reason to thank Crowley because he was helping build Sam’s strength up again by cooking. His brother was looking a thousand times better than he had a week ago.

“What are you doing?” Dean asked, studying Sam’s look of concentration.

“Ordering some stuff. Books.” Sam answered, clicking on a few things.

“Sam…” Dean sighed, gesturing around them. “You have around five hundred books here and you need more? Seriously, what is there to order that you can’t read here?” 

Sam sighed and turned his laptop for Dean to see. He saw the titles on the screen and read them quickly.

Treating Psychological Trauma and PTSD  
Handbook of Depression  
The Panic Attack Recovery Book  
Linguistics of American Sign Language  
The Pocket Dictionary of Sign Language

Dean immediately realized exactly what they were for and he leaned back, dropping his fork on the plate.

“Sign language?” he questioned.

Sam nodded, pulling his computer back over to himself.

“Cas can’t talk, Dean. He needs a way to communicate.” Sam explained.

“He has that journal. He wrote in it last night.” Dean shrugged.

“Dean, the notebook obviously bothers him. It won’t kill us to learn sign language along with him.” the younger brother argued.

Dean stared at him for a moment, wondering if he was serious.

“Sam, we have hunting to do. Remember, we didn’t close the gates of hell. There’s still an abundance of demons, ghosts, vampires, shapeshifters, revenants, wendigos, werewolves, djinns, ghouls, skinwalkers, rugarus…”

“All right, I got it Dean.” Sam snapped at him. “But Cas is our friend and he needs help.”

“I never said any different, Sam. But we can help him without taking time out from our already crowded lives to learn a new language that involves hand motions.” Dean said, waving his hands in illustration to how ridiculous it sounded.

Sam stared at him with disbelief on his face. 

“You’re being an unbelievable dick, Dean. I can’t…” he shook his head. “You want to help Cas but only if you don’t have to work hard? Really? That’s ridiculous and you know it. Cas is gonna need you to throw some of your weight into this whether you like it or not. So how about you stow your crap and get over yourself?” Sam demanded.

Dean opened his mouth to argue more but Crowley’s voice stopped them both from talking.

“Boys.” 

They looked at him and saw that his eyes were at the doorway that led to the hall. Their heads snapped to it and they saw Cas standing there in the pajamas that Dean gave him the night before. 

“Hey Cas.” Sam said, giving Dean a glare as if it was his fault that they were arguing. “Did you sleep okay?”

Cas looked at Sam, squinting at him before turning to stare at Dean with a hint of a question on his otherwise blank face. He was probably wondering if Dean told Sam about what took place the night before. Dean shook his head slightly and Cas looked back at the other brother before stiffly shrugging his shoulders and moving further into the room.

“Are you hungry, Castiel?” Crowley asked, perking up at the thought of giving the fallen angel food just like he’d given it to the two hunters.

Cas flinched at his voice and looked at Crowley with slightly wide eyes as if he didn’t even notice that the former demon was there. Instead of nodding yes or no, he shrunk back a little bit and his hand unconsciously went to his stomach where, not even a month ago, Crowley had dug his hand into the wound. He shook his head slowly, watching Crowley warily as he sank into a chair next to Dean. A flash of remorse flashed across Crowley’s face and he looked down, knowing that he deserved the distrust, especially from the fallen angel. 

Sam watched Cas for a moment and when he noticed, he looked back at the younger Winchester as he sensed that he wanted to say something. He finally opened his mouth and Dean gave him a warning look, not wanting him to upset Cas when he just managed to calm him down a little bit.

“Hey, Cas. I just want to ask… what do you think about learning sign language?”

Cas’s brow furrowed slightly and he tilted his head to the side just a little bit. It was the first time since they found him on the side of the road that he remotely resembled the Castiel they knew.

“I just… I figured you would like it better to communicate. I would learn with you and maybe even Kevin and Crowley can too. Instead of writing everything.” Sam explained, hoping he wouldn’t offend or anger him.

He looked down at the table before looking over at Dean. There was a question in his eyes and Dean suddenly found himself unable to repeat his opinions about the matter to Cas’s face. He simply shrugged.

“I won’t learn it, probably. But you and Sam can if you think it’ll be worth the time.” he said.

All of the sudden, Cas seemed to shrink into himself and he turned to look at Sam helplessly. Dean didn’t know it, didn’t see the spark of hope in Cas’s eyes for the first time that he might be able to communicate with them without having to go out of his way to write it all down just for them to have to take the time to write it down. He knew, even though he was human, that his mind would be able to pick up the new language without a problem. After a moment, he nodded, relieved that at least he would be able to communicate with Sam and Kevin if they were both willing to learn.

He would even be willing to converse with Crowley if it meant actually being heard… or watched. It might even bring a sense of normalcy back if he could tell them what was on his mind again without having to search out a pen. He finally nodded slowly, noting the look of relief and triumph in Sam’s eyes as he clicked on the button to order the books. He felt good about the decision but there was also a stab of hurt that Dean wasn’t willing to learn as well. The night before, Cas assumed that Dean’s declaration that he would help meant that he was on Cas’s side.

He thought that maybe it meant that he wasn’t as much of a burden on the hunters as he thought he was. Now the dark thoughts returned as he wondered if he was, in fact, a pain to the Winchesters. He wanted to ensure that the sign language thing wouldn’t be a burden on Sam at all. He scrabbled for the notebook and quickly scribbled in it before showing it to Sam. 

Only if it’s not too much trouble

Sam shook his head, looking at Cas with a warm expression.

“Of course it’s not too much trouble, Cas. We’re friends. I want to help you however I can.” He assured the fallen angel.

Cas looked relieved again, recognizing the soft, genuine tone of Sam’s voice that made him feel better about the situation. Then he glanced over at Dean to see the hunter glancing between him and Sam with a slightly annoyed glint in his eyes as well as a hint of hurt that they were doing this together without him even though he refused to do it. He shook his head and looked away, glaring at the wall. Cas drew in on himself and looked down at the notebook below him. He knew they bought it just for him and he didn’t want that money to go to waste since they didn’t have much of it to spare in the first place.

He turned to a fresh page, picking up the pen. Then he started writing. He felt curious gazes on him but he ignored them, writing everything that he could think of on the subject that came to mind first. His stomach let out an angry noise and Dean sighed, turning to Cas despite the tension in his body over the sign language thing.

“Cas, you should really eat.” He said, putting a hand on the fallen angel’s shoulder.

He shook his head, his hand flying across the page as quickly as it could. Dean shook his head, huffing with frustration. He stood and pushed the empty plate across the table.

“I’m gonna go take the Impala into town and get it washed. It’s filthy from the rain last night.” He said gruffly, snatching his keys off of the table.

“How did you know it rained last night?” Sam asked, looking up at Dean with confusion.

“I saw it.” Dean said simply and he walked out of the bunker without any more explanation.

Castiel lifted his head and watched him go with a blank expression.

“Cas? You okay?”

He glanced over at Sam, making the same stiff shrugging motion before going back to writing. After he filled an entire page from one end to the other, top to bottom, he put his pen down and slid it over to Sam. His writing was back to the elegant script that it once was since he wasn’t shaking now. Sam furrowed his brow as he read over the words.

“Cas… this is… what is this?” he asked with confusion.

The fallen angel tilted his head to the side again, a slightly exasperated look on his face that was reminiscent of how he was before the fall. Crowley glanced over at it and he recognized it immediately.

“It’s Enochian.” He said, squinting at it. “He’s teaching you Enochian.” 

Sam stared at it with wonder now, reading the unfamiliar words and looking at the row of symbols next to the word as well as the translation. He attempted to speak one of the words.”

“Caosgo.” It came out awkward, clumsy, and far too human. 

Cas shook his head, making Sam sigh and look down at it again. He opened his mouth to attempt it again but Crowley interrupted him.

“Kah-oh-sah-goh.” He sounded out.

Sam repeated it, trying to imitate what he said. Castiel nodded, looking at Crowley with surprise. The former demon stared back, wondering if it was all right that he helped. At the slight question in his eyes, Cas nodded again, giving him permission.

“Kah-oh-sah-goh.” Sam said again, sounding it out perfectly. “Of the earth.”

He reached out and grabbed the pen, writing out the syllables above the word so that he would know how to pronounce it.

“Bliors… to our comfort.” Sam said, looking up at them to see if they got it right.

He saw a slightly vexed look on Cas’s face and an amused one on Crowley’s.

“Blee-oh-rah-ess.” The rehabilitated demon sounded out.

The hunter nodded, repeating it several times as he wrote out the pronunciation of the word. They kept doing that, going over all of the words that Castiel wrote so far. When Dean came back in, they were going through a second page that broke down the sigils that were carved on Sam and Dean’s ribs. Dean watched, slightly disturbed as Crowley sounded out the word, Sam repeated it, and Cas nodded. His eyes were slightly brighter and he looked more interested in what they were doing than he’d looked in anything lately. 

Dean slammed the door shut a little harder than he meant to and Cas flinched, immediately drawing back at the loud noise and his face adopted the guarded, blank expression again as he looked up at Dean.

“What’s going on?” he asked, walking forward and setting the six-pack of beer that he got at the gas station on the table.

“Crowley and Cas are teaching me some Enochian, you should really look at this and try some out, Dean. It’s really fascinating.” Sam said, the academic side of him flaring up and very excited.

Dean scoffed, shaking his head.

“I dropped out of school for a reason, Sam. I’m not really looking to be taught anymore. I’m too old for it.” he said, pulling a beer out and popping it open.

Sam sighed, looking at Dean with disappointment before turning back to Cas who looked bemused and helpless at the same time.

“Do you want to do more, Cas?” he asked, trying to keep his voice light for the silent man.

He recognized that what they were doing distracted Castiel and he wanted to keep helping him out in that regard. His heart dropped a little when Cas shook his head, looking down as if he’d been caught doing something by Dean that he shouldn’t have been doing.

“Oh, okay. Maybe later then.” Sam said, closing the notebook.

Dean took a long gulp of his beer, plopping back into his chair. Sam narrowed his eyes at his brother and Dean shrugged, not knowing that he’d interrupted the possible progress that might have been made with Cas. 

“Nothing.” Sam said in a deadpan voice, standing up to pick up the plates on the table. “Absolutely nothing.” 

“If you want to say something, say it.” Dean said, staring up at his brother challengingly.

“Oh I already said it but I’ll say it again. You’re being a dick.” Sam snapped at him, turning to walk out.

“And you’re just gonna drop that and go, huh?” Dean said, shaking his head. “Yeah why don’t you keep calling me a dick and see where it gets you. Never mind that I pulled your ass out of that church and kept you alive. Kept Crowley alive. Kept Cas alive. You’re right, Sam. I’m a dick.”

Sam turned, glaring at Dean.

“Can you not see how ridiculous you sound? Refusing to do anything with us? Refusing to learn sign language? Refusing to relax a little bit and learn Enochian that Cas is trying to teach us? You do realize that he’s helping us, right? He can’t do the Enochian spells now so he’s trying to enable us to do them on hunts, right Cas?” Sam asked, turning to look at the fallen angel.

Dean turned his eyes on Castiel to see what his answer would be. He stared between Sam and Dean with bewildered eyes as his chest heaved with the sharp breaths he was taking. His chair clattered to the ground and suddenly he was darting out of the room. They stared after him with confusion as Crowley shook his head.

“Not the greatest idea to have a fight in front of a fallen angel with post-traumatic stress disorder. It was an even worse idea to pull him into the fight to take a side. You two are lucky you aren’t therapists because I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t have any clients.” Crowley said, standing up and shuffling off towards the kitchen to clean up the mess from making breakfast.

Sam and Dean stared at different places in the room, guilt filling them as they realized that their actions directly caused Castiel to panic this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t worry, Dean has a reason for being a jerk that’ll be revealed soon. He’s not just being one to be one. Please let me know what you think. 
> 
> I found the Enochian on a website so I don’t know if it’s right or not. I apologize if it’s not correct but I don’t know any differently.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has his own breakdown in this chapter and the reasoning behind his strange behavior is revealed.

When Castiel didn’t come out of his room the next morning, Dean found that he was feeling more and more guilty over his outburst and how he was acting about the whole language thing. He decided to take the breakfast that Crowley made once again to Cas’s room so that he could try to explain why he was being such an asshole. He knocked on the door but nothing happened. He stood there wondering if Cas would come open the door or if he didn’t want to see anyone. Finally it opened and the fallen angel’s blue eyes peered at him out of the darkness of the room.

Dean immediately saw that he didn’t sleep again the night before. There were dark circles under Castiel’s eyes and his skin was paler than it should have been. The explanation on the tip of his tongue immediately gave way to worry as he pushed his way into the room and set the tray on the bed that hadn’t even been unmade. He turned to Cas, who was watching him with an emotionless look.

“Did you sleep, Cas?” He questioned with a furrowed brow.

The former angel nodded but there was a look in his eyes and his hands were twisting around each other as he shifted on his feet. Dean knew he was lying.

“You can’t keep not sleeping, Cas. You have to be tired. Come on, it’s not always bad to sleep. You’re not always going to have nightmares.” Dean sighed, moving forward.

Cas stepped back, looking hesitant as he looked around the room.

“Is it just that you can’t go to sleep? Do you want me to get you some sleep medication?”

His face suddenly lit up with alarm and he shook his head vigorously, fear in his eyes.

“Okay, but Cas you can’t get away without sleeping… or eating. Your body is human now, you’re human now. You’ll waste away without getting a little shut-eye and food. Trust me, once you actually start getting into a routine, it’ll get easier to do both. I know it’s a lot for you but… just try. It might be better than you think.”

Dean gestured to the food on the bed and Cas stared at it as if he didn’t even know what it was for. Then he shook his head, looking slightly sick. He walked to the chair in his room and picked up the notebook that Sam brought to him. Frustration rose in Dean as he knew that the once angel was being stubborn and not trusting that Dean knew what he was saying.

“Dammit Cas you have to eat! You’ll die!”

Castiel flinched away from him and stared at the ground, his lower lip trembling at Dean’s raised voice. Sam suddenly appeared in the doorway with an accusing look at Dean.

“What the hell are you doing?” he hissed, moving forward to pull Dean out of the room. “First you won’t agree to help him and now you’re yelling at him?”

Dean glared at his brother, hating that Sam was trying to make it out to where he was on Cas’s side and Dean wasn’t. Of course he was on Cas’s side. That was why he was trying to get him to do the important stuff that would keep him alive. He looked over at Cas to see him staring up at them with the same wounded puppy look in his eyes past the emotionless mask on his face. Dean shook his head, throwing down the dishtowel he was holding.

“Fine, you know what? I try to help and you both throw it back in my face so I guess I’ll just let you take care of it, Sam. Because apparently I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing! So I’m done! You can do it because I’ll just keep on screwing it up!”

He snatched up the plate and stomped out of the room. When he got to the kitchen, he threw the food into the trash and stood there for a moment, holding the empty plate. Then he was rearing back and the sound of plate smashing echoed around the room once it hit the wall. The shards went everywhere and Dean heard a shout of surprise from the main room. Crowley and Kevin ran back, worry on their faces as they wondered if Dean hurt himself.

“Get away from me.” he growled, his hands planted on the counter and his head bowed as he inhaled deeply.

Kevin did as he said but Crowley moved into the room, grabbing a broom. Dean looked up to see him sweeping up the shards of the plate.

“Did you hear me? I said…” Dean stomped up to him, shoving him against the wall. “… get the hell away from me!”

The former demon looked up at him with wide eyes, looking helpless against the wall with Dean’s arm pressed against his throat.

“Dean!” Sam grabbed him and yanked him off of Crowley, staring at him with disbelief. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Let go of me.” Dean shoved him away and glared back at him.

Sam shook his head, gesturing for Crowley to leave.

“I think you need to get out of here for a while. You’re going stir crazy down here and you just need to take a drive.” The younger brother said.

“Oh so you’re kicking me out of my own place now, huh?” Dean scoffed.

“You’re scaring everyone, Dean! Those three are already tense and stressed enough without you running around and yelling at them and slamming them into walls. I don’t know what the hell happened to you between the church and now but you need to figure it out before you do some real damage.”

Dean stared at Sam and took a step back.

“Just… leave me alone, Sam.” he said, the fight draining from his voice as he turned away from his brother.

“No, Dean. Seriously get out of here. Go get food or drive around Lebanon for a while. You just need some time alone.” Sam said, moving forward to take his arm.

Dean shoved him off, glaring at him.

“Don’t do that, Sam. Don’t talk to me like I’m a child who’s throwing a temper tantrum.” He growled.

“You are throwing a tantrum! You keep bringing up how much you’ve helped all of us as if that excuses your behavior now! It doesn’t! You are seriously messed up and I don’t know why but you need to buck up and deal with it before you do something irreversible.” Sam tried to make him understand.

Dean shook his head, turning to walk out of the kitchen.

“I’m not leaving and if you want me to go that badly, you’ll need to throw me out yourself because I’m staying right here.” Dean snapped over his shoulder.

Suddenly Sam’s hand seized the back of his neck. Dean ducked out of his grip and shoved him away, shocked that his brother would actually try to throw him out.

“I am trying to do what is best for everyone, Dean!” Sam argued, pushing backwards towards the main room.

“Fuck you, Sam!” Dean yelled as they stumbled into the main room.

Suddenly he saw lights flash as Sam’s fist connected with his face. He flew back into the table, the edge digging into his back painfully. Sam looked horrified, as if he couldn’t believe that he just punched his brother. Dean tasted blood in his mouth and lifted to wipe it from where it was leaking out of the cut on his lip. Then he looked down at the scarlet liquid on his hand before looking back up at Sam.

“Fine, you want me gone, I’m gone.” He finally said, grabbing his keys and turning to walk out.

Sam called his name but he didn’t listen, slamming his way out of the bunker. He stomped towards the Impala and stopped, inhaling deeply as he put his hands on the top of the car and dropped his head. His eyes closed and he clenched his jaw, ignoring the pain in it as he kept back the rush of emotions. After several minutes of remaining in that position wondering how the hell he got to this point, he heard footsteps behind him.

“I really don’t want to talk, Sam.” he sighed, all fight gone from his voice as his shoulders slumped.

When he didn’t hear a reply, he realized that it wasn’t Sam behind him. He turned to see Castiel standing there holding his notebook. and a towel. He was staring at Dean and his face wasn’t emotionless nor was it filled with panic or fear. He looked regretful and sad as he stepped forward. Dean, instead of shoving him off like he did Sam, allowed Cas to grasp his arm and pull him around to the hood of the Impala. When the other man gestured, Dean sat on the hood. Cas set the notebook down before looking up at Dean.

He took his chin in his hand softly, turning his head to get a good look at the busted lip that Sam gave him. Dean remained still as he lifted up the dampened towel to dab at the wound. He winced when pain shot through his jaw and Cas looked at him with an apology in his eyes. When he finished cleaning up the blood, he held up a bag of ice that Dean hadn’t noticed him carrying. He took it with a sigh, holding it to his jaw knowing that it would swell up if he didn’t. Cas stood there for a moment before moving to sit on the hood with Dean.

He opened the notebook and, at first Dean averted his gaze because he wasn’t sure if the writing in it was private. Then Cas’s elbow nudged his side and he looked up to see the fallen angel staring at him. Then his eyes dropped to the notebook and Dean’s followed. His brow furrowed when he saw that it wasn’t writing at all on the pages. It was a drawing, a really good drawing at that. He was immediately taken with the detail of it despite the fact that it was simply drawn with a pen. He noticed that it depicted many bodies strewn around a room, all of them in different poses. He didn’t know how, but he knew that they were all dead.

When Dean squinted and leaned closer, he noticed that they all had something in common. Something very big. They were all him. He looked up at Cas with wide eyes to see the other man uncapping his pen. His eyes dropped down as Cas wrote something at the top. When he drew his hand away, Dean read it.

_‘Naomi’s Conditioning’_

It took a moment for the meaning of those two words to sink into Dean’s mind.

“This… this is what Naomi did to you? She made you see all of these versions of me? Dead?” Dean asked, slightly horrified.

Cas shook his head, turning the page. Dean didn’t know how he knew, but he knew that he was seeing the other side of the viewpoint of the same room with the multiple dead version of himself. Cas’s drawing of himself was cruder than the drawings of Dean, as if he hurried through it where he spent more time mapping out every detail of the multiple Dean bodies. But Dean could see the dead look in his eyes despite the fact that it was just a drawing. A weapon was clutched in Cas’s hand in the drawing, obviously drawn with blood covering it. This looked exactly like the Cas that tried to kill him and suddenly Dean knew.

“That’s how she conditioned you? Brainwashed you? She forced you to kill me?”

Cas nodded, looking pained as he stared down at his depiction of himself.

“Son of a bitch.” Dean muttered, turning his head away from the drawing.

Cas’s hand quickly turned the page. Now there was writing on the page and Dean looked down at it. His eyes skimmed it, reading the explanation of everything that Naomi forced Cas to do. About how the first twenty times, Cas was forced to watch Naomi kill Dean when he refused to do it. Then the next eighty or ninety times, he cried over Dean’s dead body once he ended his life. Then the tears stopped coming but he still grieved. Then he spoke of how Naomi kept having to confiscate the weapon from him when he tried to take his own life multiple times. It happened less and less until his body cut off all emotional response because it was causing him too much pain. That was the Cas that Dean saw in that crypt, the one that Naomi worn down to emotionlessness.

At the end of the explanation was an apology as if the whole thing was Cas’s fault. Dean shook his head, dropping the ice and reaching out to take the notebook. Cas gave it to him and he turned back, tearing out the page with all of the dead Dean’s drawn on it.

“What that crazy bitch did isn’t your fault, Cas.” He said, looking over at the other man who was watching with wide eyes as he dug out his lighter. “You broke whatever hold she had over you and we both know that you would never do what she made you do willingly.”

Dean set fire to the paper, letting it fall to the ground. He saw Castiel take a deep breath and his shoulder slumped slightly as if a weight was taken away from them.

“You need to stop blaming yourself for that. I don’t blame you. I never did.” Dean reassured him as he tore out the other drawing, lighting it up as well.

They watched as the papers burned out and then Cas looked up at Dean. His hands took the notebook back and he turned to another page of writing. Dean waited for permission to read it, accepting the notebook back when Cas nodded.

_‘I went to the place where Naomi tortured me in heaven, her office. She was incapacitated, her own instrument shoved in the back of her head. Metatron attacked me, forcing me into the chair. He tied me down just as Naomi had, securing manacles around my wrists and ankles. Then he told me that the trials hadn’t been trials at all, but a sort of spell to banish all of the angels from heaven._

_He was angry that they ran him out and he wanted it all to himself without their presence. The last ingredient to the spell was an angel’s grace. He took mine, slit my throat and drew it out. I felt the power draining from me and suddenly I was human. Then he healed the cut but I do not think that he truly healed the damage done by the blade to my throat. I believe that is why I cannot speak. Then he told me to be human, to live a life, and sent me back down here, to earth. I fell into the forest and was wandering through it when you found me.’_

The explanation ended there and Dean saw the writing go from neat to steadily shakier and shakier. Cas must have had a panic attack simply recounting the traumatic event on the paper. The hunter sighed and closed the notebook, shaking his head. It was no wonder that Cas was so broken down. The trauma must have begun when Naomi was doing whatever she did to him. Metatron’s betrayal was most likely the last straw, the moment when Castiel truly lost all of the power and choice he had. Dean hated the scribe more than ever at that moment, wanting to find Metatron and destroy him.

He put the notebook down and his hands clenched into fists as he dropped his head, willing the fury to go away before he scared Cas off again. He realized that it had been a while since he felt this angry towards another being. The only other two beings to get this reaction from him were Azazel and Dick Roman, the two monsters that took away the only family he and Sam ever had. Now Metatron got that reaction because he took away Dean’s angel and broke him, destroyed all of the free will that they’d been building up in him and made him feel helpless.

Cas reached out hesitantly and put his hand on Dean’s shoulder. His head snapped up and Castiel flinched slightly at the sudden movement. Dean sighed and sat up.

“I’m not gonna hurt you, Cas.” He assured him in a quiet voice.

The former angel nodded, the look in his eyes telling Dean that he knew that, but that he had no idea how to stop his reactions.

“I’m sorry. I realize that I’ve been… difficult.” He admitted.

Suddenly Cas’s face changed, an expression reminiscent of his old self. His eyebrow raised slightly and he tilted his head to the side as if to say, ‘you think?’ Dean let out a chuckle and shook his head, turning his head to face away.

“I didn’t see what Sam wanted to do, the whole sign language thing, I didn’t see that as helping you. I know that it would, deep down. But I didn’t see it that way. I still don’t. I… I see it as giving up. Like you’ve both resigned yourself that it’s just going to be this way. I saw it as admission of a failure, my failure. I can’t do anything for you. I can’t make your nightmares go away. I can’t make your memories of Naomi and Metatron go away. I can’t… dammit...” Dean shook his head, attempting to choke back his emotion. “I can’t give you your voice back.”

Cas put his hand on Dean’s shoulder, forcing him to look up in his eyes that told him none of it was his fault. Cas’s words, spoken what felt like forever ago, echoed through his mind.

_“You can’t save everyone my friend, though you try.”_

“I don’t want to learn sign language. I don’t want you to learn sign language. I don’t want you to use this notebook and I don’t want you to write things down to teach us how to protect ourselves with Enochian because I don’t want… I don’t want to admit that I’m never going to hear your voice again.” Dean finally said the thoughts that had been tormenting him.

“I don’t want to admit that you’re never going to scare the hell out of me by showing up behind me and saying ‘hello Dean’ like you’ve always done. I don’t want to think about the fact that you’re never going to say my name again because as much as you frustrate me when you come out of nowhere, your voice is… a source of comfort. You know what to say when it counts and now, suddenly, I’m never going to hear you say anything again. I just… I don’t want…” Dean saw tears building in Cas’s eyes and he realized that the warm drops were sliding down his own cheeks.

“I just want to hear you talk again. I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to admit that I’m never gonna hear your damn voice again because every time I remember that you can’t talk I am reminded that you are yet another person I failed. Another person in my life, that I care about, that I couldn’t save. I couldn’t save you in purgatory, I couldn’t save you from Naomi, I couldn’t save you from Metatron… I’m a failure and you suffered for it. You’re still suffering for it and I can’t do anything. I’m just screwing things up more. I don’t know how to help you and I’m just hurting you more.”

Dean slid off of the car, wiping at his cheeks to get rid of the evidence of his emotional breakdown. He heard rustling behind him and the sound of paper being torn out. Then Cas turned him around to look at him. A piece of paper slid into his hand but he didn’t read it, staring down at the once angel before him, the man who was broken because Dean couldn’t save him so many times. Cas backed away, nodded at him to read the paper. Dean finally dropped his eyes down to it.

_‘I didn’t break Naomi’s hold over me. You did. You saved me from her. I do not want you to think that you are not helping me. So far, when I feel trapped or afraid… or like I might die… you are the only one who has brought me out of it. The others, they can try to help me but you are the only one who truly brings me back to reality. Please do not give up on me just because I can’t speak. I know that I’m broken and I know that I can’t be helpful to you anymore but I can try to do things to make things easier for you and Sam. I think that I can prove myself not to be useless if you give me a chance.’_

Dean shook his head and looked up at Cas, who was waiting for his reaction.

“I’m not giving up on you, Cas. I was giving up on myself. I was making things worse when I tried to help you. I don’t think you want me to be the guy to help you out. I’m broken… cursed. I’m just going to break everything more. It’s what I always do. You want Sam to help you… or Kevin or hell even Crowley is probably better for you than me.” He said.

Cas shook his head, quickly scribbling in his notebook and turning it to hold up to Dean.

_‘I’d rather have you. Cursed or not.’_

Dean recognized the words as his own spoken to Cas so long ago. He inhaled deeply as he read them over and over again. Then he saw the rest of the words on the page.

_‘I’m not better. I don’t know if I will ever be better. I don’t even know what is wrong with me but whatever it is I can’t control it. I need you, Dean. I need you to be here with me because without you, I’m afraid that I truly might hurt someone. I already hurt you and I can’t do that. You have to help me because you are the only one. Please. I need you. I never said that back when you said that but I needed you then. I ignored that need for the greater good, or so I thought. I was certain you were better off without me but now I realize that I’m not better off without you. I need you. Please don’t give up.’_

Dean took the notebook from him, tossing it onto the Impala.

“I’m not giving up on you, Cas. I won’t ever give up on you.” he said, reaching out to attempt to gather the other man in a hug.

Cas tensed up, pushing Dean away as his body automatically perceived the motion as an attack. Dean stared at him, wondering if he’d done something wrong. Cas relaxed, forcing his body to recognize that Dean wasn’t a threat, that he was only there to help him. He took deep breaths, moving closer to Dean until his body was enveloped in the hunter’s arms. He didn’t hug Dean back, just burying his face in the other man’s shoulder and breathing in and out slowly as he tried to slow his heart rate.

_'I need this man. I need him. I need him.'_

He repeated it over and over again in his mind until his body gave up on instinctually trying to defend itself and resigned itself to the fact that Dean could be trusted not to hurt him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean gets injured and Cas is triggered into an extended panic attack.

To make up for his outburst, Dean decided to treat them all to dinner and a movie night. He was in the kitchen grilling steaks, making baked potatoes, and even fixing up a salad for Sam as an apology for acting like an ass. He glanced up when Cas entered.

“Hey.” He said, smiling at him as he chopped up tomatoes.

Cas walked straight to him, standing next to him. He glanced at the red juice that leaked out of the raw meat that Dean was cutting up and seasoning. Dean watched with a confused look as he reached out and touched the liquid. Cas began drawing on the counter, symbols that Dean immediately recognized as Enochian from what he’d seen. 

“What does it say?” he asked, continuing chopping off fat as he watched Cas’s fingers moving over the counter, occasionally collecting more blood.

He dipped his finger in the juice, writing out a sentence in English.

_I prepare for you_

“Oh… I’m preparing food. Is that it?” 

Cas nodded before writing out another word.

“What is that?” 

_Dean_

He smiled and moved his hands too quickly, wanting to trace the letters of his name that Cas drew. Suddenly his left palm brushed over the knife he was unconsciously holding upright. Dean hissed, immediately dropping the knife and clenching his fists even as he could feel blood leaking out of the wound on his hand. Castiel looked up at him with concern. When his eyes dropped to his left hand, he caught sight of the blood squeezing out between his fingers. His eyes widened and he paled immediately.

“It’s all right, Cas. I’m all right.” Dean assured him, looking around for a towel. 

Before he could turn away, Cas seized his arm and dragged him to the sink. Dean followed, not certain of what the other man was doing. Castiel moved as though he was on autopilot, turning the cold water on and prying Dean’s hand open before pushing it under the water. Dean recoiled at the sting but Cas stubbornly held it in place. Dean looked down at him to see what the expression on his face was but Cas watching with a blank look as the water ran pink with the blood from Dean’s wound.

The fallen angel reached over and grabbed a towel. He ripped it in two before pulling Dean’s hand away from where he washed it out and quickly wrapped the smaller piece of towel around his hand, tying it off.

“Thanks Cas.” Dean said, frowning at him. 

Castiel simply turned and walked out of the room. Dean kept himself from following him, used to his strange behavior. He knew that he would pass by Sam and his brother would check to make sure nothing was wrong. He couldn’t leave his steaks and baked potatoes behind to be ruined just because he was concerned for Cas. It didn’t make much sense that he felt more concern for the other man rather than for his sliced open palm. Minutes later, Sam rushed into the room. 

“Cas told me you cut yourself, are you all right?”

Dean turned from the grill with raised eyebrows. 

“Yes, Mother Samantha.” He said dryly.

“Seriously, Dean. He was pretty concerned.” Sam said, glancing at the towel that was already stained with blood.

“You should be more concerned about Cas. The more blood came out of my hand, the more drained from his face. He looked like he was seconds away from hitting the floor when he left. You shouldn’t have left him alone.” He said, narrowing his eyes at Sam. 

“I left him with Crowley and Kevin. They would call if anything was wrong.” Sam brushed off, trying to reach for Dean’s hand to look at it. 

The older Winchester ripped it away. 

“Go to Cas, Sam. I’m fine until after dinner, I’ve had worse.” He said, pointedly looking at the door.

Sam sighed, shaking his head.

“You are one stubborn son of a bitch.” He said, turning to walk out.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Dean shot back, smirking as he pulled the steaks off of the grill. 

\-----------

When he came out with all of the food, Sam was setting the movie projector up after hooking it up to a DVD player. It took them a while but with Dean and Kevin’s tinkering and even Crowley’s input, they were able to hook the old projector up. They were all sitting in separate chairs facing the wall.

“What are we watching?” Kevin asked curiously.

“Star Trek. It’s been forever since I’ve watched it and I know for a fact that Cas has never seen it.” Dean said, patting the former angel’s shoulder as he handed him a plate.

Castiel looked up at him, his eyes darting to Dean’s hand that Sam already put a real bandage on without stitches since the wound wasn’t deep. Dean plopped into a chair on the other side of the table and dug into his food as the show began. Once they were engrossed in the storyline, no one was paying attention to one another. It was a mistake when it came to Cas. His plate made no sound when it hit the table, the food untouched. No one saw the slight tremble in his hands or the too fast rise and fall of his chest. 

For his part, Castiel attempted to calm himself down, not wanting to ruin the show for Dean when he was so excited about it. Then the episode of Star Trek that they were watching culminated in a battle complete with the loud sounds of missiles firing and ships blowing up. Cas clenched his hands, his arms squeezing into his body as his mind spun and his vision blackened for a moment before clearing. His breathing was no longer controllable, his breaths coming out in shattered gasps that were covered by the shouting of Captain Kirk to his crew.

He stood slowly, attempting to avoid drawing attention to himself with the last shred of reality he had a hold on. He turned away, walking upright out of the room until he got to the hallway. His vision darkened once again and he stumbled against the wall, sliding down to his knees as he lost his grip, his head whirling and his body shaking violently. Somehow he managed to lift himself up and continue towards his room.

\-----------

Dean noticed when Cas left even though no one else did. The fallen angel was better about keeping himself unnoticed now than he had been before. But Dean was watching him out of the corner of his eye, keeping at least part of his attention on him. He thought Cas might have just been tired until he saw him stumble slightly into the hallway and heard a light thump over the sound of the television show. Sam heard it too, his head snapping up and immediately catching sight of Cas’s empty seat.

He glanced over at Dean and the older brother nodded, pushing himself up to a standing position. Kevin and Crowley noticed him slip out and wondered what was going on but didn’t voice their questions. Dean walked back towards Cas’s room, seeing that the door was open but no light was shining out of it. He moved to the doorway and, through the dim light of the hall, saw Cas sitting on the edge of the bed. He was hunched over slightly and staring at the wall in front of him. Dean could see well enough to notice that his body was trembling and his breathing was quick. 

“Cas?” he said, moving into the room.

The once angel didn’t look at him, just staring straight at the wall.

“Hey, Cas.” He walked to him and touched his shoulder.

There was no reaction. His dead eyes were staring at the wall as if he was trying to see something there. Dean sat next to him, leaning around to look at him in the eyes. Cas stared straight through him, no recognition in his eyes at all. Dean moved around, bending over in front of him. 

“Cas?” he repeated again, reaching out his hands to put them on Cas’s face and wake him out of whatever trance he was in. 

Suddenly the other man’s arms flew up, fitting between where Dean’s arms were reaching towards him. He snapped them outwards, knocking them away and suddenly Dean was shoved against the wall with Cas’s palm on his forehead. The fallen angel glared at him, unable to differentiate Dean from the demons in his mind.

“Cas, it’s me.” Dean said, not struggling in his grip.

He didn’t want to startle him more by fighting against him. 

“I’m not gonna hurt you, Cas.”

Castiel looked confused and out of place, staring at Dean for a moment before drawing his hand away when he saw that Dean wasn’t trying to attack him back. He stepped backwards, sitting on the bed and staring straight forward again, his brow furrowing and his mouth forming a frown now. Dean rubbed his forehead with a sigh, pushing himself off of the wall. He approached Cas again, putting his hand on his shoulder.

“Why don’t you lay down, Cas?” he said, wondering if he was getting through to him at all.

There was no response for several moments until Castiel finally moved, slowly lying down to the side, pulling his feet up on the bed as he laid his head on the pillow. Dean sighed with relief, pulling the blankets that were shoved to the end of the bed up and over Cas’s body. The former angel’s eyes were still open and staring at the same spot on the wall. Dean pulled away, shaking his head as he turned to walk out of the room. After their conversation and their honesty towards each other, part of him hoped that everything would be better now. He should have known better. He should have known that nothing was that easy in their lives. Sam was waiting for him outside the room.

“How is he?” he asked.

“He’s… no different. He didn’t try to strangle me this time. No he tried to smite me. For the first time, I’m kinda glad he doesn’t have his angel mojo or you’d be staring into my burnt out eyes.” Dean sighed as they moved away from the room.

“We’ll fix this, Dean. We just gotta study up on it and figure out how to help him.” Sam said.

“Yeah.” Dean nodded as they walked back into the main room.

Crowley and Kevin didn’t ask about what happened. They knew that if it was something significant, they would more than likely be told. Dean and Sam sat back down again but neither of them were able to fully concentrate on the show again. Cas’s strange behavior sat at the back of their minds the entire time, urging them to consider how to best help him.

\-----------

Everyone in the bunker was awoken in the middle of the night to the sound of something crashing. Sam and Dean were immediately on high alert, pulling their guns out of their hiding places and darting out into the hallway. Kevin and Crowley were peering out curiously. Dean moved to Cas’s room and saw that his bed was empty and his bathroom was the same

“It’s Cas.” He said, lowering his gun and moving out into the main room.

Kevin and Crowley followed him and Sam, unable to keep themselves away from figuring out what was going on with the fallen angel. They heard another sound and moved backwards towards the kitchen where it came from. The room was dark but they heard noises. Dean reached out and switched on the fluorescent lights, flooding the room with the brightness.

They immediately caught sight of what crashed to the ground, the silverware that they’d used for dinner that was sitting on the counter after being cleaned. That was when they caught sight of Castiel sitting in front of a blank wall. They all saw what he was doing and immediately regretted it. On the wall, in scarlet liquid, was a long line of Enochian sigils. Dean darted forward, panicking when he saw the knife on the ground next to him stained in the same liquid as was on the wall.

“Dammit Cas!” Dean seized his arm, keeping him from dipping his fingers into the wound again.

Cas struggled against him, his eyes fixed on the wall. Dean yanked him away, turning him to where he faced away from the wall. He ripped his t-shirt off and pressed it against the deep, bleeding wound on his forearm.

“What the hell?” he growled, glaring at Cas’s eyes as his heart pounded with the scare.

Cas stared at him and Dean slowly, but surely, saw him breaking through his dazed state. Suddenly Cas inhaled sharply and flinched away from Dean, unsuccessful when the hunter kept a firm grip on his arm to staunch the flow of blood.

“Calm down, Cas. It’s me, it’s Dean. I’m here.” He said, sinking to the ground at the same time as the fallen angel.

Castiel was hyperventilating and his body began shaking as he made feeble attempts to get away from Dean. Finally he slumped over, his head falling into Dean’s lap as his body went limp. Sam rushed over with a first-aid kit that he ran out to get. Dean removed his t-shirt from the wound and Cas remained perfectly still as Sam inspected it.

“This is really deep, Dean. He had to have really dug that knife in.” Sam breathed.

“Yeah just fix it.” Dean snapped before looking at the wall at the unfinished sigils where Crowley was inspecting them. “What the hell is that?”

Crowley turned to him with a stunned look.

“It’s… it’s the first of the Enochian calls.” He stammered.

“The what?” Dean questioned.

“The Enochian calls… or keys, if you will. They are believed to open a gate to a flood of wisdom that would put one on level with God. Not in the way that Castiel was with the Leviathan in him. This is different. It creates omniscience in any given creature that manages to find the right way to use them, which was lost long ago.” Crowley explained, turning back to look at what was written on the wall. “I assume that, deep down just like the rest of their programming, the angels had the calls in their minds to keep the information safe. It is possible that since Castiel’s mind is human now, it is bleeding out the information that he could easily store as an angel.”

“What does that mean?” Sam demanded.

“It means we’re going to have to copy this down in case it’s lost forever.” The former demon said, pushing himself to his feet and hurrying out of the room.

Sam worked on cleaning up Cas’s wound before stitching it up until Crowley came back in the room with Cas’s notebook.

“He’ll need a place to start when he picks up writing the rest, hopefully not in his own blood this time.” Crowley explained as he began scratching down the symbols.

“What does it say?” Kevin asked.

Crowley sighed before squinting at the symbols.

“I reign over you, sayeth the god of justice, in power exalted above the firmaments of wrath. That’s all that Cas got out so far.” He translated as he wrote it down.

Dean held Cas still as Sam dabbed alcohol over the needle to disinfect it.

“Shouldn’t we… I don’t know, drug him?” Dean asked before Sam could start stitching him up.

“I need to do this now, Dean. His cut is dangerously close to some important veins and it hasn’t clotted yet. Anyways, I think Cas is already pretty out of it.”

Dean looked down to see Cas’s eyes squeezed shut and his hands clenched together. Unconsciously, he reached down and began running his fingers through Cas’s hair. Sam didn’t pay any attention as he threaded the needle.

“We need to get him better, Sam. Before he hurts himself in a way that we can’t just fix.” Dean said, concern clear in his voice.

“I know.” Sam sighed, looking exasperated and worried as he began stitching up the laceration.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel wakes up in the aftermath of his attack and makes a decision once he learns what he did during his panic attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the rest of the story, the italics are either a dream, Castiel’s hallucinations, his journal entries, or sign language. If that changes, I’ll let you know. It should be pretty easy to tell with the context surrounding the italics.

_“It’s going to kill you.”_

_Castiel jerked, struggling against the binds holding him to the chair. Metatron was circling him, holding an angel-killing blade._

_“All of that stuff in your head, the Enochian tricks and spells. All of it’s going to melt your brain, turn you into a vegetable or kill you. Humans were never meant to have that information. That’s why the Winchesters are putting up with you and your annoying little panic attacks. They’re just waiting for it to kill you. Once you die, their lives will go back to normal. They won’t have to put up with a psychotic former angel haunting the halls of their home. They can’t wait for you to slip away.”_

_The angel stood beside him and suddenly his hand was free. He tried to lash out with his arm but Metatron caught it easily, squeezing his wrist painfully as he winced._

_“They want you to die, Castiel. So why don’t you just take the dagger…” Metatron slipped the blade into his hand. “… and do it yourself?”_

_The fallen angel shook his head, panicking when Metatron began leading the tip of the blade to his heart._

_“You’re going to do it. You won’t last another week, I guarantee you. You will take your life… I’ll make sure of it.”_

_Castiel let out a silent scream as the blade entered his heart slowly, inch by inch with pain radiating through his chest._

\-----------

His eyes popped open, immediately greeted with the darkness of his bedroom. His arm was throbbing with pain as well as his head. Castiel sat up, looking down. He pulled his shirt up and his body relaxed slightly when he saw that there was no wound on his chest _._

_Just a dream. Just a dream._

He tried to repeat it in his head as he slipped out of the bed and went to the bathroom. His face looked horrible in the mirror. There were dark bags under his eyes and his cheeks were sunken. He knew he’d lost weight because of his lack of appetite. His ribs were showing a little bit more and his hipbones were sticking out more than normal. All of the clothes that he’d borrowed from Dean and Sam hung off of his frame where they normally would have almost fit him.

Castiel bent over the sink, turning on the water to wet his face. As he splashed the warm water on his face, he heard a distant noise. The sound of laughing grew louder and he snapped up to a standing position, whirling around and looking around the room with wide eyes. There was no one in there with him. He eased out of the bathroom and into the bedroom, turning on the light only to be greeted with another empty room. Cas sighed with relief, walking back into the bathroom to dry his face and turn the water off. As he was rubbing a towel over his face, he heard the noise again.

He darted to the shower and ripped the curtain open only to see that it was empty as well. The laughing echoed again and he dropped the towel, walking out of the bathroom to find that the bedroom was still empty.

_“Castiel!”_

He heard his name spoken clearly followed by more laughing. He shook his head, rubbing it before darting out of the room. Cas hurried down the hallway towards the main room without looking back. When he got there, the dim lights were on but no one was in there. He heard a noise and he knew that it came from the kitchen. For some reason, his body rebelled against going back to the room. His head swam a bit, his heart pounded, and his hands shook as he made his way towards it. His feet were bare so his footsteps were silent. When he reached the doorway, what he saw immediately made his stomach lurch.

Crowley was standing in front of a wall with a rag and a bucket of water. He was washing off red Enochian characters that were crudely drawn on the wall. There was a blood-stained knife laying on the ground as well as a few drops of blood littered on the tile. His hand immediately went to his still throbbing arm and he was met with the roughness of gauze taped on it. He looked down and carefully peeled the temporary bandage off, staring in shock at the large gash that had at least twenty stitches in it.

“Castiel?”

His head snapped up and he saw Crowley staring at him hesitantly. He looked at the characters drawn in blood, the knife, and back to his arm before glancing at the former demon with a clear question in his eyes. He already knew the answer, it all added up. But he didn’t remember. How could he not remember doing that?

“You were out of it, in a sort of trance.” Crowley said, dropping the rag into the bucket of water. “Dean practically had to manhandle you into stopping. Then you sort of broke down. They had to carry you to the bed.”

Castiel dimly remembered seeing Dean’s face. When it happened, he felt like he was dragging himself out of an abyss towards Dean and his voice telling him that it was going to be all right. Then he’d withdrawn into himself, trying to block out the roaring in his head and the pain in his arm. He let out a breath and staggered against a counter. Crowley moved forward to help him sit down on the tile. He leaned back against the cabinet with a heavy sigh, closing his eyes.

He heard rustling and turned his head to see Crowley sitting beside him. The former demon handed him the notebook open to a page that had writing in it.

“This is what you were writing out.”

_“It’s going to kill you.”_

Cas’s head snapped up and he looked around at the voice echoing around him. Crowley didn’t seem to notice anything and he took a deep breath, trying to ignore it. 

“I don’t know if you recognize it. It’s probably stored so deep in your head that you don’t even know it exists.” He said.

Castiel squinted as he read it, working to decipher the characters. At his confused look, Crowley nodded as if he’d been expecting his confusion.

“It figures that you wouldn’t actually know about it. It’s very old and powerful. Even angels weren’t allowed to know about it.” he said.

He looked up at Crowley questioningly.

“It’s part of the forty-eight Enochian calls or keys, if you will. It’s part of a ritual, or that’s the rumor. Personally I’ve always thought it was a myth but we walked in on you scrawling it out. You even fought against Dean like it was desperate that you get it out. When you snapped out of it, I suppose you forgot all about it.”

Cas nodded, looking back at the writing then up at the half washed off blood that he now knew was his own. He pulled the pen out of the spine of the notebook and wrote out a message to Crowley telling him that he could leave, that Castiel wanted to clean up the rest of the mess.

“Are you sure?” he asked as they both stood.

Castiel stared at him, taken aback by the changes in the man even though the trial to close the gates of hell was interrupted. The former demon seemed eager to help them in whatever way he could. Cas nodded, setting the notebook down on the counter before moving to the wall. By the time he picked up the rag, he turned to see that Crowley left the kitchen. He tried to concentrate on cleaning the wall without thinking about how the mess was made in the first place. The rag was stained with the blood and the water in the bucket was getting darker each time he rinsed it off. 

Laughter rang through the kitchen and he winced, trying to ignore it. He scrubbed furiously at the wall, intent on finishing this so that he could escape from the room and bury himself in a book to distract him.

_“Don’t you see it, Castiel? The rag represents you. No matter how many times you try to fix it, to wash yourself off, you will always be stained with the mistakes of your past, with the blood of the people who have died because of you. And Castiel, the number of people you’ve killed is a pretty high figure.”_

His hands clenched as he tried to convince himself that he wasn’t really hearing Metatron. 

_“What makes you think I’m not real? Just because I kicked everyone else out of heaven doesn’t meant I’m trapped up there. I’m bored and the souls up there aren’t entertaining at all. I have nothing better to do than come down here and torture you some more. How about we go to the dungeon? I bet they’ve got quite the weapons collection here. I can help you with that numb feeling you get sometimes. Rip off a few fingernails, slice you up a bit. That skin of yours is too smooth, after all.”_

Castiel rubbed the rag over the last character, relieved that the wall was clear of the stains. Then he bent down and cleaned off the blood that dripped on the ground.

_“You’re pathetic, Castiel. You can’t even look at me. I bet if I dragged you down to the dungeon, you wouldn’t even fight back. You would probably let me do whatever I wanted. You would let me slice and cut and dig through your body and you would just lie there taking it like the pathetic little…”_

Cas seized the knife, standing up and whirling around to finally catch sight of Metatron leaning against the counter. He reared back and threw the blade before he could really think about it. It flew through the air, glinting as it traveled towards the angel. Metatron watched it with amusement. When it flew through his head and hit the cabinet, burying in the wood, Metatron was gone. Castiel sighed with relief when he realized that there wasn’t the sound of angel’s wings. Metatron was just in his mind and now he could remind himself of that if he showed up again. He walked towards the kitchen knife, surprised that his aim was still good after his fall into humanity. Just as he pulled the knife out of the cabinet, a voice whispered in his ear, making his entire body shiver and tremble.

_“So maybe I’m not real… but don’t think I’m going to let you off so easily. Hallucinations can drive you crazy, or do you not remember that from when you took on Sam’s burden? We’re going to have fun together, Castiel.” Metatron promised him._

Then he was alone in the room. Castiel gripped the knife tightly in his hand before walking over to the sink and washing off the blood. He dropped it in and grabbed the journal before hurrying out of the kitchen. He walked to the main room first to find Crowley sitting at the table reading something. 

“You all right? You look a bit pale.” He said once he looked up.

Castiel just gave him a look before walking out of the room. He found his way to the entertainment room and adjusted the lights to where they were barely dimmed. He sat on the couch, his legs curled up and his journal balancing on his knees. He stared at the sigils that were drawn in his blood and copied down by Crowley. There was no recognition in his mind of them, which didn’t seem possible as he knew that they came from his head. He tried to remember how he got in the trance. The last thing he remembered was Dean cutting himself. The flash of blood dripping from his wound went through Cas’s head. Then he was on the floor with his head in Dean’s lap much later in the night. 

He knew that Dean cutting himself must have been the trigger. His nightmares too often consisted of Metatron torturing not only Castiel but the others too. He’d seen Dean bleed far too much in his dreams that seeing him bleed when he was awake most likely sent him straight into a panic attack. Castiel wondered if he could only remember the Enochian keys when he was in a trance state in the midst of an extended panic attack. He hesitated, questioning if they were really so important that he had to give himself over to the things that haunted his mind to get them written down.

_“All of that stuff in your head, the Enochian tricks and spells. All of it’s going to melt your brain, turn you into a vegetable or kill you.”_

Metatron’s words echoed through his mind. If it was true, which he couldn’t know for sure either way, there was a chance that Sam and Dean could benefit from knowing these keys. Perhaps they could even lead to help for defeating Metatron and restoring the angels to heaven. If the information would kill his mind, wouldn’t it be better to leave it behind rather than leave them helpless? Castiel took a deep breath, closing his eyes and biting his lip as he allowed his mind to wander to the recesses of his mind.

His breathing quickened when flashed of his dream intermingled with Dean cutting himself in the kitchen, with the many dead Deans spread out before him having been killed by his own hand, with Dean kneeling before him pleading with him to stop, to come back, and bloodied by Castiel’s own fist. His heart rate sped up and Castiel felt darkness clouding his mind as he allowed each of these visions to linger in his mind clearly. Then he fell into the abyss, drowning in the darkness as he became unaware of his actions outside of his mind.

\-----------

“Cas? Hey Cas!” 

His eyelids felt heavy. He couldn’t open them. He felt hands on his shoulders and he was being shaken.

_“Castiel… wake up.”_

Castiel flinched against the taunting voice of the angel who stole his grace.

“Cas!”

He threw himself away, scrambling backwards on the couch as his eyes flew open. The journal went flying off of his lap as well as the pen. Dean hovered at the other end of the couch. Sam was at the door watching with concern. Castiel stared between them with wide eyes.

_“They think you’re crazy, Castiel.”_

His eyes widened even further as he watched Metatron walk around the couch. He moved to stand beside Sam, looking him up and down. Castiel saw the blade too late.

_“You don’t want those kind of people in your life, right? You don’t want them to shove you in a mental hospital and leave you behind again.”_

His shout of panic when Metatron slid the blade across Sam’s throat was, unsurprisingly, silent. Castiel launched over the back of the couch as Sam collapsed to the ground, gurgling on the blood that was spilling out. He lifted the hunter, putting his hand over his throat to try to staunch the bleeding.

_“Don’t mourn for him, Castiel. You’re pathetic.”_

Tears were spilling out of his eyes as the light in Sam’s eyes went out.

_“You’re better off without them… or you’re not and you’ll fade away like the miserable mud monkey you are.”_

Castiel looked up to see Metatron standing behind Dean who was watching Cas holding his dead brother with shock.

_“Don’t worry, Castiel. I’ll make it quick.”_

His body shook violently and a silent wail ripped out of his chest when the blade slid into Dean’s chest and ripped out just as quickly. He collapsed to the floor and Castiel crawled over to him. The older Winchester brother sputtered as he pulled him into his arms. Tears splashed onto his face from Cas’s eyes.

“Cas… Cas…” Dean choked out.

He bent his head to Dean’s forehead, pressing them together as the hunter took his last breath in Castiel’s arms.

_“How pitiful you are, Castiel.”_

Castiel looked up to see that he was alone in the room. Suddenly Dean was no longer in his arms. He looked to the doorway to see that Sam was gone too. There was no blood on the floor or on his hands.

“Cas! Castiel!”

He blinked and he was back on the couch cowering away from Dean. He stared at the hunter with shock, the scene replaying in his head as he tried to figure out what happened. Sam was standing behind the couch looking concerned. He reached up and felt tears on his cheek. Slowly, he reached out and moved across the couch. Dean didn’t move as he pressed his hand to his chest just where he saw the blade stab through his heart. But there was no wound, no tear in the shirt, no blood. He was fine. Cas squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, withdrawing his hand and moving backwards.

“Cas, what’s going on? Do you want to talk about it?” Dean asked.

He shook his head quickly, reaching down to pick up the journal. He opened it to the last page that was written in.

“What the hell?” Dean said, catching sight of the writing.

There were new sigils written out, all of them scratched out neatly and even with translations below them. 

“You remembered more of it?” Dean asked.

Castiel shrugged, not wanting to inform them of how he managed to write these out. If they knew what he was doing, that he was calling on his worse memories to trigger himself into a trance, they would most likely tell him to stop. But if it was important… if it could help him, it had to be worth it.

“Can I see?” Sam asked, looking earnest as he peeked at the Enochian over Cas’s shoulder.

He handed him the journal and Sam moved to sit in a recliner.

“I reign over you, sayeth the god of justice, in power exalted above the firmaments of wrath. In whose hands the sun is as a sword, and the moon as a through-thrusting fire; which measured your garments in the midst of my vestures, and trussed you together as the palm of my hands. Whose seats I garnished with the fire of gathering and beautified your garments with admiration; to whom I made a law to govern the holy ones, and delivered you a rod with the ark of knowledge.” Sam read it out, his voice soft and breathless as he did so, his eyes scanning the Enochian characters every once in a while.

“It’s more of the first Enochian call.” Crowley interrupted as he stepped in the room with Kevin following.

“What exactly is it, though? A spell?” Dean asked.

“It’s complicated. It doesn’t matter. The way to do the ritual is… long forgotten.” Crowley said, leaning over the chair to glance at the paper.

“It’s not even over. How many of these calls did you say there were?” Sam asked as the former demon took the journal.

“Forty-nine.” Crowley answered. “The last thirty, however, aren’t necessary. They simply tell a story. It’s the first nineteen that would be part of the ritual as far as I know. 

He glanced over the words.

“What else does it say?” Kevin asked curiously. 

Even Castiel watched with interest since he had no idea what he wrote. Crowley cleared his throat before reading the last half of the First Call.

“Moreover you lifted your voices and swore obedience and faith to him that lives and triumphs, whose beginning is not nor end cannot be; which shines as a flame in the midst of your palace and reigns among you as the balance of righteousness and truth. Move therefore and show yourselves. Open the mysteries of your creation. Be friendly to me for I am the servant of your god a true worshipper of the highest.”

They all stared at Crowley as he finished.

“You aren’t going to open a portal to another dimension by reading that, are you?” Dean asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

“No, it would be read in Enochian and even then it may not work considering that it’s old… very old.” Crowley said thoughtfully as if his mind was going back to another time.

“Hey, we came in here to tell you something.” Kevin said, reminding Crowley of something as he nodded, closing the journal.

“There’s a package at the door.”

\-----------

“You’re gonna like this, Cas.” Sam said happily.

He pulled out all of the books he ordered. Castiel immediately caught sight of the sign language books and he reached out, picking up one of them. Dean watched as he flipped through it, looking interested. Sam smiled as he pulled out the PTSD and anxiety books. He exchanged a look with Dean and nodded, placing them back in the box so that Cas wouldn’t see him. They knew that he would want to be helped but they didn’t want him to think that they thought he was crazy. They were afraid of him withdrawing and putting up walls. They would show him the books when he was more receptive and able to communicate better.

“Looks good, huh?” Sam asked as Castiel glanced over the American Sign Language alphabet.

He nodded, the corner of his mouth lifting slightly. Sam looked triumphant, thrilled that he was able to give Cas hope about something. His open laptop suddenly pinged, indicating an incoming email. He pulled it over to him as he sat down, opening his email.

“Oh Charlie found something for us, a case.” Sam said.

He opened the email and his eyes scanned the articles and reports of what she found. His face slowly paled and he glanced up at Dean’s questioning look. 

“It’s… I don’t know what it is. It’s… not good.” He said, his eyes flashing to Cas’s.

“What’s wrong?” Dean asked, moving to look over his shoulder.

“She’s in Oregon… Portland to be exact. Apparently, several dead bodies have shown up all over the place showing similar wounds. The reports say that it looks like they were… tortured.” Sam said, scrolling through the pictures of the bodies taken in the morgue. 

Neither of them noticed Castiel stand up and move behind them to look at the email. Crowley opened his mouth to say something but it was too late. A strangled gasp came out of Cas’s mouth and he staggered backwards with wide eyes.

“Cas.” Sam shot out and caught him before he could collapse.

His trembling hands reached out for his journal and Dean handed it to him, squatting before him. In a shaky scrawl, he managed to write it out.

_They’re angels_


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam tries to keep Cas’s mind off of the deaths of the fallen angels. Both brothers are hesitant to go check out the deaths in Portland because they don’t want to leave Cas alone. Cas’s hallucinations continue. Something shocking happens to him at the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to let you know, most of what is happening and what he is thinking is triggered by the PTSD, hallucinations, and anxiety. I never have major character death in my stories so you don’t have to worry.

Finding a way to capture Cas’s attention was not easy in the days following the revelation about the deaths of the fallen angels. Castiel recognized their vessels as ones he’d seen in heaven. They dispatched Garth to the area since Dean and Sam both agreed that leaving Cas alone right then probably wasn’t the best idea. So they were stuck at the bunker trying to get Cas’s mind off of the deaths of his siblings.

On the third day, Dean walked out of his room after taking a shower to find Sam and Cas sitting across from each other at one of the tables. Sam had a book open and he was looking down at it before glancing up at Cas. Dean watched from the doorway with a furrowed brow as Sam made several hand gestures. Cas watched closely, his expression the most attentive that it had been in days. He watched Sam’s hands move before he lifted his own and mimicked the movements effortlessly. A smile broke out on the younger Winchester’s face and he nodded eagerly.

“That was your name.” Sam said proudly. 

Cas looked slightly satisfied while he did the motions over and over again as if he was trying to memorize the movements. Dean moved forward and the movement caught their notice. They both looked up at him questioningly.

“Let me check out your arm, Cas.” He said gruffly, pulling up a seat next to the former angel.

Castiel held his hand out, his face purposefully turned towards Sam so that he wouldn’t see his wound and be triggered into a panic attack at the sight. Dean inspected the wound as Sam did another few hand motions. Cas’s arm twitched as he wanted to lift it to mimic motions.

“Can you put a hold on that until I’m done?” Dean said, holding Cas’s wrist in place as he tugged lightly at the stitches to ensure that they weren’t loosening.

Cas winced and inhaled sharply as a sting of pain went through his arm.

“Sorry.” The hunter muttered as he traced the pinkness around the wound. “It’s starting to heal. 

He picked up the fresh bandage roll off of the table and instructed Cas to hold his arm still. Sam waited until he finished rolling it over Cas’s arm before going back to signing for Cas to follow. Dean stood to go wash his hands, fighting his frustration down since he knew that neither Cas nor Sam really deserved it.

“That was good! You just signed my name!” Sam’s praise followed him down the hallway as he made his way towards the kitchen.

Dean sighed heavily and his shoulders slumped as if he was bearing the weight of the world. 

\-----------

_“You really think there’s any point, Castiel?”_

The fallen angel clenched his teeth, refusing to listen as he followed Sam’s movements as they signed the American Sign Language alphabet at the same time. 

_“Have you not been listening to me? You’re fading Castiel. The more you delve into that mind of yours, the more it breaks down. You’re human now and you keep accessing information that no human is meant to know. But by all means, keep stuffing more useless information in your head. It will only serve to make the process go faster.”_

Metatron’s taunting voice seemed to surround him, filling his ears and echoing through his mind. He glanced past Sam to see the angel standing behind him with a smirk.

 _“You’re dying, Castiel. And like a coward, you can’t even face it.”_ he said mercilessly. _“Pathetic.”_

Cas forced his eyes away from Metatron, telling himself to focus on Sam. Before they could do another round of hand signals, the piercing sound of Sam’s phone filled the air.

“Hang on.” the younger Winchester said, pressing talk.

 _“They’re going to leave you, Castiel. Why would they stick around with a useless fallen angel that can’t even talk?”_ Metatron ridiculed him.

Castiel bent over the table and put his hands on his forehead as he tried to force the angel’s voice out of his head.

“Yeah Garth.” Sam sighed, focusing on his call so he didn’t see Cas’s pained face. “Yeah I know you don’t really know what you’re looking for. Well they won’t look like dead angels, they’re all fallen. Yeah, we have Cas here. No we can’t bring him to Oregon, Garth.”

Castiel looked up, watching Sam with a furrowed brow. He reached for his journal and began scribbling something down. Before he could get out what he wanted to say, the hunter stood to walk out of the room in the direction that Dean went.

“He’s not ready, Garth.” Castiel heard Sam murmur.

The pen dropped from his hand and he stared down at the words he tried to scrawl out for Sam.

_I want to help you. I can help._

_“Like I said… useless. Even the Winchesters know it.”_ Metatron mocked him before disappearing, leaving Cas staring down at the journal. 

He ripped the paper out and tore it to pieces, throwing them to the ground as he sat back and pressed his hands to his forehead.

\-----------

Castiel stared at the wall as the Winchesters moved around him packing up their things.

“We’ll be back soon. There’s plenty of food and stuff here. Kevin can cook stuff if you want something other than sandwiches.” Dean spoke as he shoved weapons and clothes into a bag together.

“Keep the door locked unless you absolutely have to go outside. We don’t know what killed the other angels but you have to keep yourself safe. There’s plenty of salt in the kitchen and salt rounds in the weapons room. Keep a shotgun with you just in case.” Sam followed up, picking up his own duffle bag.

“Watch out for Crowley just in case he decides to go dark side again.” Dean said. 

The former demon responded by flipping the hunter off as he sat across from Castiel at the table.

“We’ll be back in a few days.” The brothers said in unison.

They started for the door but Dean stopped once they reached it, glancing back at Cas who was still staring at the wall without any reaction for anything they said.

“You sure we should go, Sam? He doesn’t look like he’s doing so great.” He sighed.

“Garth needs our help. If someone is going after fallen angels that means Cas could be in danger. We need to figure this out.” Sam reminded him. 

“Yeah.” Dean said, throwing one last glance at Castiel before they walked out of the bunker and locked it behind them.

 -----------

His journal was laid out before him on the bed as well as a pen. Castiel told Crowley and Kevin that he was going to sleep early when, instead, he was going to delve into his mind once again. If Metatron was right and he was killing himself by doing it, he had to get it done quickly before his life expired. He sighed and closed his eyes, letting himself remember the feeling of his grace being drawn out of his throat. His hands began shaking and his heart pounded in his chest. He continued, remembering Metatron’s words and the nightmares he had about the angel torturing him. The last straw was the flash of the blood-soaked wall in his mind. Then everything went black.

\-----------

Castiel jerked up, scrambling out of the bed as he felt his mind coming back to reality. He staggered away as he tried to catch his breath. He saw that the journal was sitting there and that the pages were filled with more writing. After taking a few deep breath, Cas reached towards the notebook but something stopped him. He caught sight of stains on the sheets just as he felt a stinging pain in his palms. When he looked at them, he saw that there were bleeding puncture marks in his palm all in crescent shapes. His fingernails were stained with blood and he knew what happened immediately.

 _“Was it worth the nightmare, Castiel?”_ Metatron’s voice followed him into the bathroom when he went to wash off his hands.

 _“Leave me alone.”_ He thought at his hallucination, knowing that it wouldn’t do anything.

He stuck his hands under the cold water and winced as it stung.

 _“Ah he does respond. Careful, Castiel. You should know from Sam that acknowledging me could give me more power over you.”_ the angel reminded him.

Cas sighed and closed his eyes, leaning his head against the mirror.

_“Maybe next time I can get you to put the knife in a more helpful place. Your throat, perhaps.”_

He opened his eyes and glared at the mirror as he drew away. Suddenly, he saw his reflection grinning at him as his image raised a knife to his throat. Castiel watched with horror as his other self drew the blade across his skin and blood splattered out.

 _“Leave me alone.”_ He repeated in his head, gripping the sink with clenched hands.

_“I’ll give it three days… seventy-two hours… I’ll have you dead on the floor of this very bathroom.”_

Castiel trembled but he shoved the fear-filled thoughts to the back of his mind, concentrating on the angel.

_“Blood everywhere… your pretty blue eyes staring out lifelessly… what a scene for the Winchesters to find.”_

The fallen angel took in a deep breath, closing his eyes.

 _“Get out of my head!”_ he bellowed in his mind as he squeezed his eyes shut.

Suddenly, several things happened at once. He felt a sharp pain in his head at the same time as he heard the shattering of glass. He staggered backwards and slammed into the wall behind him. His eyes flew open and he stared at the shattered mirror in shock. Castiel looked down at his knuckles to see if he’d punched it without knowing. There wasn’t blood on his knuckles nor on the shattered glass lying around the bathroom. The door to his room flew open and Kevin and Crowley ran to the bathroom. They stared at the scene in shock before looking at Castiel questioningly.

“Castiel…” Crowley said, moving forward slowly. “… what are you doing with that knife?”

Cas looked down with horror to see that he was holding a knife identical to the one his mirror image used to slit his throat. He dropped the weapon to the ground and watched as it fell. In the mirrored blade, he saw Metatron’s image grinning at him before it disappeared.

“Cas… what’s happening?” Kevin questioned, looking afraid.

He wished he had an answer but he was as confused and afraid as the other two.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Sam see the bodies of the fallen angels. Crowley and Kevin try to convince Castiel to explain what is going on. Someone shows up and knocks the boys off kilter when they explain who is behind the attacks on the fallen angels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: There are going to be graphic depictions of wounds that came from torture in this chapter. I’ll put up a warning for when they happen so that you can skip it if you don’t want to read. Even I got chills writing it so trust me, it’ll be dark.
> 
> This chapter won’t be very long and I apologize for that. I tried to draw it out but it ended up being ridiculous. I had to end it where it ends for several reasons that take too long to explain. I’ll try to update as soon as I can so that you’re not miserable waiting on a new chapter for a long time.

They didn’t hesitate when they reached the reception desk of the hospital, pulling out the FBI badges and flashing them to the woman sitting there. Her eyes flickered over them before she looked up at them.

“I’m Special Agent Plant, this is Special Agent Jones, we’re here about the murders that happened in the past few weeks.” Dean said, nodding at her.

She perked up and nodded, reaching for the phone.

“I’ll call the doctor.”

They stood at the desk waiting after she called the coroner. Minutes later, a woman in dark blue scrubs and a white lab coat came walking up to them. Her long dark brown hair was pulled into a ponytail and her dark eyes studied them both critically for a moment.

“I’m Dr. Christina Huffman.” She said, finally deciding they were legitimate as she held her hand out to shake.

“You’re the coroner?” Sam asked.

The doctor nodded quickly, gesturing for them to follow her. She was much shorter then either hunter so they had to slow down and shorten their strides so that they wouldn’t pass her.

“I’m Agent Plant and this is Agent Jones.” Dean repeated for her sake.

“Nice to meet you.” she said, pushing the button for the elevator. “I assume you want to hear about the victims.”

“If it’s not too much trouble.” Sam said, shooting her a charming smile.

She smiled back, relaxing as people had a tendency to do when Sam gave them his reassuring eyes.

“It’s pretty gruesome. It makes it even worse that the police have no leads. The bodies are apparently popping up out of nowhere and in the most random of places.” Dr. Huffman explained as they stepped into the elevator. “Hopefully you’ll find something.”

“Did you know any of the victims?” Dean questioned once the elevator began traveling up.

She shook her head.

“That’s the thing, no one knows them. We haven’t had any identifications. If the bodies weren’t so… traumatizing… we would put out actual photos of the victims instead of just sketches. Some of them don’t even have any discernible features beneath the damage.” Christina informed them.

Sam held the doors and allowed her to step out before they followed her to the morgue.

“What’s the timeframe?” he asked.

“They’re found every three days like clockwork. They always show up in an alleyway or on a set of railroad tracks or even on the tarmac of the airport around eight o’clock in the morning. They are always nude and… well I’ll let you see for yourself. It’s the one thing I haven’t washed off of their bodies because I’m pretty sure it’s important.”

She pushed the metal doors open and walked into the morgue. Dean and Sam both wrinkled their noses, still disgusted at the smell of the room even after all the morgues they’d been in. Dr. Huffman proceeded to pull out five separate drawers. The bodies on the tables were covered in white sheets. She uncovered the first one down to the shoulders and both hunters had to keep from recoiling at the sight. The dead body was female and blonde but that’s about all they could figure out about her.

“What the…” Dean murmured as the color drained from both of their faces.

“Your reaction is better than mine. I don’t really like to admit this but by the time the third body was brought in, I strongly considered switching to dermatology. Pimples and mole-removals are way easier than this.” Christina sighed, looking down at the ravaged body.

“What happened?” Sam breathed, his eyes travelling over the fallen angel’s form.

** Graphic mentions of wounds from torture start here **

“Torture… really sadistic, horrible torture.” The doctor said, pulling the sheet down to her waist. “There are severe burns on her torso from what I think was a hot poker. It was also shoved into her eyes and mouth.”

She indicated the blackened and blistered sockets. Her fingers pried the mouth open and they saw similar wounds on her tongue and the roof of her mouth.

“They pulled out half of her teeth and others are broken and shattered.” Christina explained, sounding affected by what she was saying.

Dean’s hand formed a fist and he sighed heavily. The doctor closed her mouth and moved lower, indicating her wrists.

“She was hung by her wrists. This most likely occurred when the hot poker torture happened.”

They inspected the rope burns with clenched jaws.

“Her fingernails were ripped out, probably with a pair of pliers.” Dr. Huffman said, turning her head away so that she wouldn’t have to look at the shredded nail beds for long.

“I think we have a good idea of the torture.” Dean said, not wanting to hear anymore.

“Thank God.” The doctor muttered under her breath as she pulled the sheet back up to the woman’s shoulders. “All of the victims have similar wounds. I believe that they simply gave into the pain and died of cardiac arrest. The hot poker in the eyes most likely contributed to that because as far as I can tell, they were the last wounds inflicted on the deceased.”

** Description of torture over **

Sam pointed at the female’s face where a mark was placed upon her cheek.

“Is that what you meant… the thing you didn’t wash off?”

Christina nodded.

“It’s red lipstick. We checked the imprint for DNA but there isn’t any. Just a kiss from a pair of very red lips.” she informed them with a sigh before bringing the sheet up over her head. “All of the bodies have the same mark as well, like a signature. It’s hard to believe that a woman could do all of this damage so the police think that it’s more than one person involved.”

Dean and Sam both nodded as she pushed the table back into the wall and closed the door.

“Do you need to take a look at the rest of the bodies?” Christina questioned, looking between them.

“No… no I think we got the general idea of what’s going on.” Sam assured her.

She smiled with relief before sliding the other tables back into place and closing their doors too.

“There is one more thing. There was a strange substance on their bodies that we’re testing right now. I’ll let you know what it is when we figure it out. It smelled like… well I’ll call you and let you know if you leave me a number.” Dr. Huffman said, shaking her head.

“Oh right.” Dean said, pulling a business card out of his wallet. “You can get a hold of us there.”

“Great.” She said, smiling back up at them. “I really hope that I can help you out. Whatever it takes to catch the sick person whose doing all of this.”

“It was nice to meet you, Dr. Huffman.” Sam said as they backed towards the doors.

“Please, call me Christina.” She said, flushing slightly under his polite smile.

Dean smirked as they walked out but it fell as soon as he realized that they would have to talk about what they just learned.

“Strange substance, huh?” he said, shaking his head with a sigh.

“Yeah, something that smells weird. How much you want to bet it was sulfur?” Sam replied, glancing over at him as they climbed onto the elevator.

“Oh I’m certain it was. Looks like we have to pay a little visit to our resident King of Hell.” Dean said, pressing the button for the lobby.

“Great.” The younger brother sighed.

\----------

** ONE DAY LATER **

Castiel sat at the table reading his sign language book. Crowley and Kevin were both sitting across from him.

“We’ve let you have your time to recover but we have to discuss this. Something happened.” Crowley said.

The former angel ignored them, staring down at the text.

“Look, Cas… either you can talk about it with us now or the Winchesters are going to want to know about it when they get here anytime now. Either way, you have to say something.” Kevin sighed.

Crowley raised an eyebrow at the prophet as Castiel looked up at him.

“I applaud your choice of words… of course you’re talking to a damn mute!” the former demon snapped at him.

Kevin paled as he realized his mistake.

“I’m sorry, Cas.” He said quickly.

Castiel sighed and picked up his pen, barely looking at the words as he scribbled them out on his journal. He slid it across the table and returned to his reading. The other two read the scrawl quickly.

_I had a nightmare and reacted negatively. I accidentally punched the mirror and it shattered._

Crowley scoffed, shaking his head as he slid the journal back to him.

“The mirror didn’t shatter, Castiel… it exploded. That doesn’t happen when you punch it.” He reminded him.

Cas lifted his eyes and stared at the former demon.

“You can give me that look all you want but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re lying. The Winchesters are going to know about what happened as soon as they get home and you can explain to them exactly what the hell happened.”

The former angel glared at them both before returning to reading his book. Kevin and Crowley both sat back with a sigh. They didn’t have to wait long before the silence was shattered. The door to the bunker opened and Dean and Sam stepped through carrying their duffle bags. The other three looked up and watched as they entered and dropped their belongings. Dean’s eyes immediately flickered to Castiel and he gave him a once over before walking to him.

“You do all right?” he asked, squatting in front of him.

Cas nodded, allowing Dean to take his hand and pull his arm out. He watched as the hunter unwrapped the bandage to look at his wound. The area around was pink to show that it was healing and the stitches were successfully pulling the skin together.

“It looks good.” Dean said, smiling up at him.

Castiel stared at him, noticing a troubled look hiding in his eyes. His brow furrowed and Dean’s smile slipped a little bit. They both looked into each other’s eyes, trying to gauge the other’s thoughts. Crowley seemed intent on interrupting, leaning forward and clearing his throat.

“There is something we must discuss.” He said, in a hurry to tell them of the situation they found Castiel in.

Dean and Castiel broke their gazes and turned their heads to him. He faltered when he saw the look on their faces. The hunter looked less than impressed while, for the first time since his fall, Cas’s glare seemed to be filled with a righteous fury that actually had the former demon’s skin erupting in chills.

“Yeah, I’ll say.” The older Winchester said, straightening up and digging into his bag to pull out a file folder.

He dropped it in front of Crowley and he looked confused before flipping it open. His face paled when he saw what was on the papers. He flipped through them slowly as the other four looked on. Castiel and Kevin were confused while Sam and Dean looked like they were barely restraining their rage.

“Want to guess what was on the bodies, Crowley?” Dean asked.

Castiel’s eyes flashed up to him when he realized that they must have been talking about the bodies of the fallen angels.

“I wouldn’t know. I’ve been stuck here with y-“

“Sulfur!” Dean growled, cutting him off. “Stinky, demonic sulfur! What the hell are your flunkies doing?”

Crowley looked stunned and confused.

“I have no idea what’s going on. Believe me when I say that this was not of my making. I couldn’t have had them do this, I’ve been stuck here with you invalids!” the former demon said defensively.

“Yeah, like you don’t have some sort of open season on angels rule even if you’re out of touch with your minions.” Sam scoffed.

Castiel looked over at Crowley with a searching expression.

“I didn’t do this. I never declared open season on angels.”

The former angel raised an eyebrow and the former demon hesitated.

“Only certain angels.” He admitted. “But those orders came directly from me and they were very specific. This was not involved in that.”

Crowley pushed the folder back across the table towards Dean. The hunter’s eyes widened and he dove to close it but it was too late. Castiel caught sight of the pictures of the bodies and he shot away from the table as quickly as he could. His chair clattered to the ground. Dean reached for him but he stumbled away, his eyes wide and his hands trembling as he realized the extent of what happened to his brothers and sister. The sketches on the news articles didn’t show their wounds so he wasn’t expecting to see them.

Before anyone could say anything else, three heavy knocks landed on the door. They all looked up with confused expressions. Sam pulled out a gun and Dean did the same as his little brother approached the door. He opened it slowly, holding the gun at his side. Suddenly a female pushed past him, walking into the room with an air of confidence and a smirk on her face.

“You would not believe the time I had trying to find this place.” she said, trotting towards the table.

Dean raised his gun and pointed it at her, stopping her in place.

“Who the hell are you?” he demanded.

Her eyebrow raised and she moved closer to the table, sidling right up to Crowley’s side.

“That gun isn’t going to work on me, sweetheart.” She said dryly, amusement in her voice as she placed a hand on the former demon’s shoulder.

It was then that they noticed the wonder and relief on Crowley’s face as he looked up at the newcomer. Sam closed the door and walked back to the table, hesitantly pointing his own gun at the girl.

“Who are you?” Dean repeated, even more wary now that it seemed like Crowley was familiar with her.

Her eyes flashed around to them before falling on the file on the table. Dean saw movement out of the corner of his eye. He glanced over, half expecting to see Castiel running out of the room like he usually did when he had a panic attack. Instead, he was moving closer to Dean, looking torn between running and remaining behind out of curiosity as to who the female was.

“I’m here to help.” She answered, reaching for the file.

Dean launched forward and slammed his hand down on the file, pointing the gun directly in her face.

“That doesn’t answer my question.” He snapped at her, unconsciously reaching back to pull Castiel behind him gently.

She smirked and her eyes sparkled with amusement.

“I like you already, Winchester.” She said, leaning forward more.

Dean glared back at her. She sighed and rolled her eyes.

“I can tell you who tortured and killed those poor fallen angels.” She offered. “And I can tell you why.”

“How do you know?” Sam questioned.

She glanced at him before looking back at Dean.

“How do you think?” she asked, blinking.

She pushed her dark brown hair out of her face and suddenly her blue-grey eyes filled with the inky black color that they recognized. Sam twitched towards his duffle bag where the demon-killing knife was as Kevin jumped up and joined the taller Winchester at his side to get away from the demon.

“Relax, I’m not here to hurt any of you. Believe it or not, I’m here to help.”

Dean scoffed, shaking his head slightly.

“How the hell did you even find us?” he asked.

She straightened up with a heavy sigh as her eyes went back to normal.

“I used to be a witch. I know a few things like how to track my former boss back to the home base of his captives. Nice place, by the way. Very Superman-Fortress-of-Solitude-esque.” She said, glancing around.

“And explain to us why we shouldn’t gank you right here and now.” Dean snapped.

“Because I can help you. Because I know exactly who is behind the attacks and murders of the fallen angels. Because Crowley knows that I’m not here to hurt you.” she said.

Their eyes all went to the former demon.

“Kara is one of mine.” He explained, looking up at her. “She’s been loyal to me for years. I trust her wholeheartedly.”

“That doesn’t mean we should do the same.” Sam said, staring at her warily.

“Let me prove myself to you.” the demon said, gesturing to the file.

Dean glanced over at Sam. Their eyes met and unspoken communication passed between them before Sam gave a small jerk of his head. The older brother sighed and relinquished the file to the female, watching carefully as she flipped through the pictures with an intent look on her face. She sighed heavily and looked up, placing both of her hands on the table.

“It’s just as I thought.” She announced.

“What do you mean?” Dean questioned.

The demon slid one of the pictures towards him, pointing at the red mark on his cheek.

“I’ve seen that before. She always did have a penchant for the meat suits with nice lips.” she said.

They stared at her with confusion but Crowley looked like he’d figured it out.

“Oh holy hell.” He cursed, leaning his body back onto the chair.

“Exactly.” Kara agreed.

“What?” Dean and Sam asked at the same time.

“The new boss in town.” She said, pushing herself up and crossing her arms over her chest.

“Abaddon.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara explains Abaddon's plan and gives them a little bit of history. Castiel experiences another panic attack but this time he allows Dean to help pull him out of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of the history of the supernatural in this chapter that is mentioned is purely of my own creation. I don’t own the characters but the story that Kara and Crowley tells is all mine. 
> 
> This chapter is going to be lighter on the angst because I need it to be for several reasons. It gets a little draining writing all that angst all the time. I’m sure that will be a sigh of relief for all of you. There will actually be a Destiel scene so I hope you like that.
> 
> There is something that Castiel asks for that seems a little off for victims of PTSD/panic attacks but I’m not just throwing this out there because it’s something I want. I had a friend who had panic attacks and she would want someone to do with her exactly what Cas asks for because it helped bring her out of the attack. I don’t want to give it away but I also don’t want you to think that I’m defying the nature of panic attacks to have a fluffy Destiel moment.

“Is this absolutely necessary?” Kara sighed as Dean clapped the sigil-engraved cuff onto her wrist and put the other end on the chair that she was sitting in.

Sam did the same to her other wrist. The demon didn’t struggle with them despite her annoyance.

“You’re a demon.” Dean snapped.

“No shit, Sherlock. I’m not here to attack you.” she shot back.

“How did you find the bunker?” the older brother demanded as they stepped away.

Kevin and Crowley were sitting on the other side of the table from her. Castiel was hovering by the doorway watching with his hands shoved in the pockets of the jeans that were a little bit too loose on him.

“I did a tracking spell for Crowley. He still has hints of demon in him and it’s a homing beacon for our kind. How do you think Abaddon found you?” she asked.

“How did you know about that?” Sam questioned.

“I was watching. When I heard the fighting I left.” Kara explained.

“You didn’t help?” Dean said, looking at her suspiciously.

“No offense but I thought you were done for sure. Abaddon doesn’t ever leave survivors… ever. I’m shocked you managed to walk out of that church.” She replied.

“You know Abaddon?”

She rolled her eyes before leaning back and settling against the chair.

“Everyone knows Abaddon. She’s a crazy bitch but powerful as… well as hell. The fact that she’s back is not good for any of us.” The demon informed them.

“How do you know that she’s behind the torturing?” Dean said, sitting down next to Kara.

Sam took a seat on the other side of her.

“She left a pretty clear signature.” Kara said simply.

“The lipstick?” Sam asked.

“She always chooses pretty vessels. She also has a thing for eyes… destroying them, I mean. They’re a kink for her I think.”

They both grimaced and Dean shuddered lightly, remembering Abaddon threatening to rip his eyes out.

“She’s up to her old tricks so I was just waiting for something like this to happen. Only this time, she’s actually succeeding.” Kara said.

“What do you mean, succeeding?” Kevin asked.

Her eyes flashed to him and she smirked.

“So you’re the prophet Crowley had us hunting for a year. You’re shorter than I thought you would be.” she said.

“That’s enough. What do you mean?” Dean cut her off from taunting the prophet anymore.

Kara rolled her eyes and looked at him with an exasperated look before realizing that he was truly confused. Her eyes flashed to Sam to see the same look on his face. Then she glanced at Crowley.

“You haven’t told them?” her voice was shocked.

Dean looked at the former King of Hell suspiciously.

“Tell us what?” he questioned.

“Yeah, tell them what?” Crowley asked, equally confused.

“About the war.” Kara said simply as if they should have known.

Crowley’s eyes lit up and suddenly he looked like he understood everything.

“Damn.” The former demon muttered, lowering his head.

“What is it?” Sam asked.

“Abaddon is looking for something very specific. Something she, along with the other Knights of Hell, tried to find before. You’ve really never heard of the war?”

They both looked at her blankly as Crowley glanced up.

“It didn’t affect earth, remember? It was ended before it could.” he reminded her.

“Yeah but… I thought that hunters would have to know about it. I mean it shook up the Supernatural world. Even the lower creatures knew of it.” Kara sighed.

Dean sighed with frustration, rubbing his forehead.

“Instead of marveling over the fact that we don’t know what the war is, could you just tell us what the damn war is?” he spat out.

“Geez, touchy.” Kara said, shaking her head as she sat back again. “It was a long time ago before your great great great great great grandfather was even a speck on this earth. Once Lucifer was trapped in the cage, no one could agree on who was supposed to take over hell. The Knights wanted to be in charge but they had opposition. I’ll give you three guesses as to who.”

Sam and Dean exchanged a tense look, their teeth gritting.

“Azazel.” Sam guessed with a sigh.

“Bingo. But not just him. He never would have survived on his own against the Knights and their armies. He was allied with two others that are dead because of you two. Lilith and Alastair. The Sadistic Trinity. They combined their own armies and they were almost as much as the armies of the Knights. Abaddon was one of the knights, obviously. They began fighting over who would take over hell and run it. Only they didn’t actually do much of the fighting. They sat back and let their flunkies do it.” Kara told them.

“It sounds… rough.” Dean commented.

Her eyes flashed to him and narrowed.

“The water of the River Styx ran red with the blood of demons. It was worse than any war that’s ever taken place on earth. The fighting never stopped. The screams of demons were louder than the souls who were condemned to be tortured in hell for eternity. It was the darkest time in the history of a place that has a lot of dark times to speak of. Demons were crying out to Lucifer to save them but he was trapped. He couldn’t do anything and he wouldn’t have done anything even if he weren’t trapped. He didn’t give a damn about us.” She informed him.

Dean shuddered, unable to imagine hell being any worse than he already knew it was.

“Abaddon and the other knights knew that they weren’t going to earn an easy defeat with the way that the war was going. They were even afraid of being defeated and they couldn’t let that happen. They started searching for a way to become more powerful, to rise up and take dominion over hell. They found it.” Kara said, looking down at her hands.

“Who’s side were you on?” Sam asked.

“Azazel. I didn’t have a choice. Luckily I wasn’t forced to fight or I would be dead. I was a messenger.”

Dean glanced at Crowley, who was watching with a haunted expression.

“And you?” he asked.

His eyes flashed between them and he sighed.

“I was King of the Crossroads even then. I was busy at work recruiting new souls to be dragged into hell and put in the army as soon as they were broken. Lilith had me under her thumb making hundreds of deals a day along with my minions.” Crowley informed them.

“We were all doing our part but it wasn’t enough. The knights were searching for a way to get more power and they finally found it.” Kara continued.

“What was it?” Sam asked.

Kara hesitated but Crowley leaned forward, his eyes fixed on Cas’s notebook that was lying on the table before he looked at the brothers.

“The Enochian Calls.” He said.

Castiel’s head snapped up as Dean turned to look at him with wide eyes and Sam looked panicked. Crowley looked as if he knew everything she was saying.

“What is it?” Kara asked, confused.

“Nothing.” Dean said simply, cutting off any explanation that anyone else would offer.

He glanced back at Cas with a questioning look as if to check in on the angel. He nodded slowly before shifting forward and lifting his hands. They all watched with wide eyes as he sped through many motions, his eyes focused on Sam as he did so. The younger Winchester watched with a panicked look as he had no idea what Cas was saying.

“Cas… I… I don’t…” he stammered.

“He’s telling you that he remembers this. News of the war in hell reached even heaven.” Kevin said.

They all looked at him with surprise.

“I know four languages. Sign language is one of them.” the youngest person in the room shrugged.

“Then why aren’t you teaching him? You don’t need a book.” Sam said, frowning at him.

“What’s wrong? Why can’t he talk if he can hear?” Kara asked.

“He’s mute.” Crowley informed her.

“Shut up.” Dean snapped at him.

“What? She asked.” The former King of Hell defended himself.

“I don’t trust her! She doesn’t get to know anything about Cas.” The hunter growled.

“Cas? This is Castiel? Boy you are one hell of a troublemaker. Pleased to finally meet you. I’ve been dying to do it for years.” Kara said, her eyes bright. “It was delightful to see you pissing off Crowley so much.”

Crowley glared at her as she grinned back at him. Castiel squinted at both of them as he leaned back in the chair and Dean frowned between Kevin and the former angel.

“How did you hear about it?” Sam asked.

“Probably because of what the knights were trying to do.” Kara guessed.

Their eyes all fell on her again.

“The Enochian Calls were a legend, a myth as far as the demons were concerned. They were supposed to bring ultimate wisdom to any being who managed to collect every single sigil. Wisdom is power but it comes at a cost. The knight didn’t care. They planned on sharing the wisdom among one another to defeat Lilith, Alastair, and Azazel. Apparently the knights got word from Lucifer himself, before he went into the cage, that they existed in every angel’s head. They couldn’t get the ritual from him, of course. So they had to find out a way to get it from another angel.” She explained.

“Except at that time, the angels weren’t on earth except for a select few… the archangels. The knights knew that even they couldn’t defeat the archangels so they set about luring a lower angel down, a seraph.” Crowley said, his eyes falling on Castiel.

Kara nodded and her eyes flashed over Cas before she continued.

“They were on earth trying to lure angels down but the archangels caught wind of what they were trying to do… and what they were trying to get. They got word back to heaven that no angel was to come down to earth no matter what happened. They even banned the cupids from performing their duties. Amazingly enough, that wasn’t the worst of the knights’ problems. The big three realized that the knights were distracted and they made their move. They overtook the armies of the knights and gave them a choice, join them or die. It wasn’t a hard choice.” She said, glancing at Crowley. “Demons are fickle and they really didn’t want to die. By the time it was all over, the knights were being hunted by the archangels and when they returned to hell, they had no armies to fight for them. They were forced to flee back to earth and it was there that the archangels killed everyone except for Abaddon. She continued searching for a way to become powerful. When she disappeared in the fifties, we assumed that she was killed too… until now.”

Castiel leaned forward, launching into sign language again that Kevin tracked with his eyes.

“After the war ended, the archangels knew that the information had to be kept safer now that it was common knowledge. They had the information hidden deeper in the angels’ heads. It still had to exist just in case but they locked it in the back of their mind where even they couldn’t access it. It was only accessible through extreme circumstances.” Kevin repeated to the rest of them. “Hey that must be why Cas…”

“Kevin!” Dean hissed, cutting him off.

“Oh come on… you can tell me. I promise I won’t tell anyone.” Kara said, glancing between them.

“You just finished telling us how changeable demons are and you expect us to give you valuable information?” Sam scoffed.

“Do not tell her anything.” Dean said, pointing at Crowley threateningly.

“What? Give you the excuse you’ve been looking for to kill me?” the former demon scoffed. “My lips are sealed.”

Castiel abruptly stood and turned, walking out of the room. They all watched as he went.

“Does he do that a lot?” Kara asked.  
“Yes.” Four voices answered her.

Dean turned back and squinted at her suspiciously.

“How do we know that you’re telling us the truth?” he asked.

“Because I’ve got no reason not to. I’m on the run, you see. Anyone who was loyal to Crowley is being hunted. I’m one of those lucky few and I need protection. I figured if I tell you everything I know about her, you’ll do me that favor.” Kara answered, looking over at him.

“We can’t keep another demon here. It’s already crowded.” Dean said.

“I don’t take up much space.” She countered.

They were interrupted by Castiel re-entering the room with his arms laden with a box. He shuffled to the desk as Dean continued speaking and watched him.

“You just told us that being a demon is like a homing beacon for other demons. Why would we risk being found by Abaddon by allowing you to stay here.”

Castiel opened the box and began pulling supplies out.

“What is that?” Sam asked, leaning forward.

Cas didn’t have to sign a translation to Kevin. Crowley and Kara leaned forward with matching relieved looks.

“Hexbags.” They said at the same time.

“Or… the ingredients for hexbags.” Kara explained, glancing up at them.

Dean stood and watched as Cas glanced around at them with uncertainty, almost looking ashamed at what he brought.

“That’s genius, Cas.” He said, putting an arm over his shoulders.

Castiel fought back the flinch that threatened to escape from him at the touch and turned his head to Dean, nodding at him as he fumbled with the ingredients. Sam moved forward to help, taking cues from him and Kevin as they fixed up the bags.

“Those will keep us hidden from the demons?” Kevin asked.

“They should.” Dean nodded, watching as Sam and Cas worked together.

“So what are you going to do with me?” Kara asked.

Dean glanced over at Sam.

“We can’t really let her go. She knows where we are. She could easily lead others back to us if we kick her out.” the younger brother suggested.

Kara smirked at them as they turned to look at her. Dean huffed out a sigh and shook his head.

“You will make yourself sparse. You won’t get in our way and you won’t go anywhere near anyone except for me and Sam. Even Crowley is off limits unless we’re in the room. I don’t want you two conspiring anywhere. If we get the slightest idea that you’re making plans, it’ll be an exorcism or our demon-killing knife through your heart.” He threatened, pointing at her.

“I got it.” she said, nodding.

“One more thing, one of those cuffs stays on your wrist all the time. I’m not having a full-powered demon wandering around here. You stay out of anything that isn’t yours.”

Kara agreed, watching as he walked up to her and unlocked the cuffs from the chair, allowing her to move freely.

“You won’t regret it.” she said, grinning up at him.

“Yes, I will.” He sighed moving away from the table and giving Sam a look that told him that they had to talk about everything they just heard alone.

\-----------

“What’s up, Cas?” Sam asked, watching with a confused expression as Cas wandered around the main room looking lost.

Kara and Crowley looked up from where they were making more hex bags and Kevin glanced up from a book. The former angel glanced at all of them before he quickly signed something.

“He can’t find his sign language book.” Kevin said, looking at Sam.

“Really? Last time I saw it, it was over…” He glanced at the bookshelf to see that the book was indeed missing. “Huh.”

He stood and crossed to it, bending down but not seeing it anywhere.

“That’s weird. Did you take it in your room?” Sam asked as he stood and turned back to Cas.

He glanced around before shaking his head but he turned to walk towards his room anyways. Sam shrugged and sat back down, certain that Cas would find the book. He wandered through his room but didn’t find it.

_“I told you… losing your mind.”_

Castiel shook his head against the taunting angel’s voice in his mind.

_“Can’t even remember where you set down your book. Need some help, Castiel?”_ Metatron’s voice questioned.

He ignored it, walking out of the door and towards the entertainment room with slightly shaking hands. He could almost hear footsteps behind him but he knew that he was imagining it and he shook it off. As he reached the room, he stopped short at the door when he saw that it was soaked in blood. It was covering the walls, the floor, the furniture, and it was even splattered onto the ceiling.

Castiel staggered to the side, slamming into the wall and looking down with horror at the sticky liquid that covered his hand. It was all over him. His breathing picked up as he slid to the floor, staring down at his scarlet hands with wide eyes. His chest felt like it was tightening and his vision was spotted with black. Distantly, he heard laughing and knew that it was Metatron. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, trying to empty his mind of the hallucination.

_“You’ll be dead soon, Castiel. Just give in. None of this matters anymore. Demons and rituals and wars… that’s not your concern.”_

“Cas!”

A concerned voice broke through the haze surrounding him and Castiel realized that there were hands on his shoulders. His eyes flew open and he saw concerned green orbs staring back at him. His breathing continued to be labored as he reached out and clutched at Dean, the blood that he’d seen before still lingering in his peripheral vision.

“What do you need me to do, Cas? Tell me what you need.” Dean said, looking panicked himself as he searched for a way to end the former angel’s panic attack.

Castiel reached down and grasped his hand, flipping it over with his own shaking hand. His fingers trembled as he spelled out the letters on his palm. Dean realized what he was doing and looked down to watch.

“H… O… L…” Dean spoke, repeating the letters that he was drawing. “D… M… E…”

Castiel nodded, trying to fight away the taunting laugh of Metatron in his head.

_“Dean isn’t going to help you. He doesn’t care if you die.”_

“Hold… hold me?” Dean questioned.

He nodded again, his gaze pleading. For some reason, he felt that having an iron grip around him would bring him back to reality. Dean didn’t hesitate, his mind going a hundred miles and hour as he leapt into action. Before either of them knew it, he was behind Castiel leaning against the wall. He pulled the former angel against his chest and settled him between his legs. One of his hands looped around his chest and held him tight. The other slid into his hand and he murmured to Cas to squeeze his hand as tightly as he had to until he came back. Cas let his head fall back against Dean’s shoulder and he inhaled deeply, smelling the human’s scent surrounding him.

Suddenly there was no laughing in his head. He didn’t smell the stench of blood and his body felt clean again. His chest began loosening and his breathing became easier as he was enveloped in Dean’s warmth and scent. The hunter was continuously saying encouraging things and telling Cas that he was going to be okay. By the time his breathing regulated and his body stopped trembling, Castiel slowly opened his eyes to see that the room was back to normal. He let out a sigh of relief and squeezed Dean’s hand gratefully. When he began sitting up, Dean didn’t let him go.

“You okay now, Cas?” he asked.

Castiel nodded and turned his head to see the hunter staring down at him, concern still in his green eyes. He noticed something on the ground next to them and he looked to see the sign language book lying haphazardly open next to Dean’s leg. The other man glanced down and flushed when he remembered that it was there.

“Yeah I was… I was reading it. I, uh… I thought maybe I could learn a few things… just to be able to communicate with you… somewhat.” He stammered as he shrugged and the redness in his cheeks deepened.

Cas felt something else rising in his chest, a warmth that caused the corners of his mouth to lift slightly. He reached out and picked the book up, turning it over to the pages. Dean was shocked when he settled back against his chest, lifting one arm to run his fingers through Dean’s soft hair as his eyes scanned the page. He’d already read this chapter, in fact he was long past it but he didn’t mind reading it again if it meant reading it with Dean. When he glanced up, Dean’s eyes were fixed on him and widened with surprise.

Cas smiled slightly and gestured with his head to the book before returning his attention to it. He felt Dean’s head shift and knew that he was reading along with him. When they both finished the page, Dean untangled their hands and lifted his to turn the page. Castiel didn’t know if it was the after effects of the panic attack causing him to be so comfortable enveloped in Dean’s arms but he wasn’t going to complain.

For the first time since his fall, he was feeling serenity and actually a hint of happiness. Dean glanced down at Cas’s head briefly while he was turning the page. If he placed a soft kiss on the crown of his head, no one would know but the two sitting in the room reading the book. And that was just fine with the both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! I liked writing that fluffy little moment. If you want to see where I got the idea, I direct you to this lovely fanart that I found on tumblr. Not my fanart.
> 
> brightfallenstars(.)tumblr(.)com(/)post(/)58176818843


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean seeks advice on how to help Cas. More angels are killed and the Winchesters are visited by someone with an ultimatum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is more from Dean’s point of view than Cas’s. I hope you don’t mind.

Dean tapped his foot on the ground, giving the others in the waiting room the side eye before pulling out his phone. He was tempted to text Sam to ask how Cas was doing but he didn’t want to let anything slip about where he was. When the door to the back rooms opened and a woman in a pencil skirt and a friendly face looked out, he perked up.

“Dean Wesson?” she said, looking down at the clipboard she was holding.

“Yeah that’s me.” he said, raising his hand.

She smiled at him as he approached.

“I’m Dr. Mitchell but you can call me Molly.” She said as she held the door open for him to walk through. “We’re just going to go back to my office to talk.”

They passed the other offices and made it to a warm, comfortable room. Dean sat in the chair across from the desk. To his surprise, she sat beside him rather than across from him.

“So you said in your call that you’re not the patient.” Molly said, setting her clipboard down on the desk and folding her hands on her crossed legs.   
Her hair was pulled back in a French twist and her dark brown eyes were open and warm.

“No, no I’m not the one I’m here about.” Dean said, fidgeting uncomfortably with his sleeve.

“Family member? Spouse? Friend?” she questioned.

“Family slash friend, I guess. I just thought that I could handle what he’s going through and I actually thought he was getting better. As it turns out, I think he’s getting worse.” He admitted.

She nodded, her face solemn.

“Tell me what’s going on.” Molly suggested.

“He’s seeing things, hallucinating. Sometimes he gets violent and he’s even hurt himself once. He has panic attacks and sometimes he only comes back when I’m physically shaking him out of it.” he said.

Molly nodded in understanding before taking a deep breath.

“Do you have any idea why this is happening?” the psychiatrist asked.

Dean sighed and sat back.

“He was… a soldier. I just assumed that it’s PTSD. It makes sense. He saw a lot of bad things and went through a lot. He was held by the enemy and… I guess tortured is the right term for it. He lost his voice completely so he can’t even talk to communicate. He’s adapted to that pretty well. He’s almost completely learned sign language. But he has nightmares, he barely eats, he freaks out a lot… he’s just different. He used to be so… unmovable. He wasn’t afraid of anything, or that’s what it seemed like. Now he seems like he’ll blow away if a strong wind comes, both metaphorically and literally. He’s lost weight and any semblance of the way he used to be.”

Dr. Mitchell sighed and leaned forward, patting Dean’s knee. He hadn’t realized that emotion was breaking through his voice until he repeated his words in his mind.

“It’s natural for a soldier to come out of his tour feeling like this, especially after being a prisoner and experiencing horrors at the hands of his captors. Is he suicidal?”

Dean was taken aback, shaking his head.

“He just… goes into these trances. He doesn’t know that he’s hurting himself until he wakes up and then he stops immediately.”

Molly looked at him thoughtfully.

“While I admit that it would be easier to see your friend in my office, I recognize the difficulty of the situation. If he can’t trust the world to take care of him anymore, why would he trust me? I can give you a few tips on how to help him, especially when he’s having his panic attacks or nightmares. There is a good chance that the torture he experienced is being repeated in his mind over and over again. There is also a chance that he thinks that his captors are still there following him and torturing him both psychologically and even physically. That could be the reasoning behind his self-harm. He may not mean to do it. In his mind, it might be the very people who hurt him first that are hurting him.” she explained.

“So how do I help him, doc?” Dean asked.

“Naturally. You have to put his mind at ease and there are several ways to attempt to do that. First of all, you have to get him physically healthy. To get him strong in his muscles will help him to feel more in control of his mind. He’ll feel more able to defend himself. I’m not saying get him to be a body builder but a certain level of peaceful exercise will help him quite a bit.” Molly informed him.

“Peaceful exercise?” Dean questioned.

She nodded.

“Yoga, Pilates, Tai Chi to help with his self-defense tactics to help him feel safer… taking walks. It’s even better if he has someone to do some of these things with. It will motivate him to put all of himself into the exercise. It won’t work mentally if he doesn’t relax while doing it so that is essential. Then you exercise the mind.”

Dean sighed and rubbed his forehead.

“How do you exercise the mind?” he asked, already feeling overwhelmed but willing to listen to anything that might help the fallen angel.

“Puzzles to begin with. Either crossword puzzles, number puzzles, or actually picture puzzles to put together. Once again, doing this with other people will help. Meditation is also good as well. He can either do it as part of his Tai Chi routine or on its own. It is necessary, though. I wouldn’t recommend it until his panic attacks and hallucinations become less frequent, though. If he breaks down in the middle of meditation, he may never want to attempt it again.”

Dean nodded, feeling like he should be taking notes.

“How about getting him to eat and sleep? He’s not doing that near enough.” he said.

She sighed, leaning back.

“What is his sleeping routine like?” Dr. Mitchell asked.

“Irregular. Sometimes he doesn’t even sleep at night, I think. He rarely ever eats, too. He’s lost a lot of weight since he… since he got back from his tour.” Dean explained, fixing his statement to fit the backstory he made up for Cas.

“I would identify the foods he likes best and make those at least once every few days. As far as sleeping, does he sleep alone or with someone?” she asked.

“Alone.” Dean answered, frowning.

She sighed.

“You said that you have to physically pull him out of his panic attacks sometimes?”

He nodded.

“Do you ever have to hold him tightly or anything like that?” she asked.

“Yeah.” Dean confirmed. “The most recent attack he asked me to hold him. It made him calm down pretty fast.”

She nodded, looking pensive.

“What is it?” he questioned.

“Well as uncomfortable as it might be, your friend slash family member may never feel comfortable sleeping until he has someone to be there with him.” Molly suggested.

Dean balked at that.

“Someone… as in someone sleeping with him?” He asked, shocked.

“It’s just a suggestion, Mr. Wesson. As long as he’s one hundred percent comfortable with the person, it might help him to sleep. There’s nothing that says it has to be you if you are uncomfortable with it. Just someone that your friend trusts.” She explained.

Dean sighed, sitting back.

“Thank you, Dr. Mitchell. I appreciate you taking time out to talk to me.” he said.

“It’s no problem. As much as I would love to suggest that you bring your friend in to see me, I know that might be more difficult than it seems so I’ll leave it alone for now. Come back if you need more advice on what to do.” She replied as they stood.

They shook hands and Dean turned for the door. He hesitated and turned back to her.

“Will he ever go back to like he was before?” he asked.

She hesitated and sighed.

“He’s feeling very out of control right now. He’s lost so much to what happened to him and he doesn’t feel like he has any say over what is happening in his life. If you do everything you can to help him restore balance to his life, you should start to see hints of his old self peeking out but he’s been through a traumatic experience that he may never fully recover from. You may have to acclimate yourself to the fact that he may never fully recover.”

\-----------

Dean sighed heavily as he walked into the bunker. Everything was normal. Crowley and Kara were sitting across from each other, both reading old crime novels that they found in the library. Sam was making salt rounds with Kevin’s help as Castiel was messing around on Sam’s computer, still getting used to using it. He cleared his throat as he stepped forward. Everyone looked up with expectant looks.

“Where were you?” Sam asked, frowning.

“Uh… doing research… on this Abaddon thing.” He said.

“Research? You?” Crowley scoffed.

Dean glared at him before walking over to sit next to Cas. He handed him the DVD in his hands.

“Hey. How would you feel about doing something different?” he asked, looking into his confused blue eyes.

Castiel tilted his head to the side with a question all over his face before looking down at the video.

“Just an idea I had to maybe relax you.”

Cas inspected it slowly before looking up at him. Sam leaned forward, wondering what Dean could have given to Cas that would be causing them to have this conversation. Castiel didn’t consider it for very long, nodding in agreement.

“You got him a Tai Chi video?” Sam asked when he saw the title, raising his eyebrows.

Dean looked over, his cheeks flushing pink.

“Shut up.” He said, standing up. “I’m going to make lunch.”

Castiel hesitated for a moment before standing up. He quickly signed something to Kevin and walked out of the room.

“What did he say?” Sam asked.

“He’s going to watch the video in the entertainment room.” Kevin answered.

\-----------

The next morning, Dean woke up to a commotion. Sam slammed into his room with a panicked look on his face.

“What? What?” he grumbled, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

“It’s ten in the morning, Dean. You need to get up and help us.” His brother said, throwing clothes at him.

“What the hell are you talking about, Sam? What do I need to help you with?” Dean sighed, sliding out of bed.

“Cas is gone, Dean. We can’t find him anywhere.” Sam said.

The older Winchester looked up at him, his own eyes suddenly wide.

“Well where the hell could he have gone? It’s not like he knows how to drive.” He said, shoving his pants on before yanking his shirt over his head and hurrying out of his room with Sam hot on his heels.

“We have searched the entire bunker from top to bottom, Dean. He’s not anywhere.” Sam said, pulling on his sleeve. “Dean what if he went in the middle of the night?”

Dean shook his head, turning to face him.

“Why would he do that? There’s no reason. He knows that it’s dangerous for fallen angels out there right now so why would he do something as stupid as running off?”

Sam looked at him with a sympathetic look.

“We’ll find him, Dean.” He said quietly.

“You’re damn right I will.” Dean growled, pushing away to run out again.

When they got to the main room, the other three were waiting on them.

“Dean we…” Kevin began.

The hunter walked straight up to Kara and got in her face.

“I swear if you did anything to him you’ll be a pile of ashes before you can say another word.” He snapped, glaring down at her.

“I didn’t do anything, asshole. If you would listen…”

Dean turned away from her and glared at Crowley, the same threat in his eyes as he made his way back to the kitchen.

“Dean!” Kevin, Crowley, and Kara all yelled.

“What?” he demanded, turning around.

“We found him.” Kevin sighed.

He froze and relief filled him before he looked at them warily.

“Where is he?” he asked.

“Outside.” Kara answered, glaring back at him for the threat he made to her.

Dean hurried towards the door and found it unlocked, throwing it open and darting out into the bright sunshine. He looked around, shielding his eyes as he searched the surrounding area for Castiel. When he spotted him, his mouth dropped open and his eyes widened. Sam stood next to him with a shocked look as well. He was up on a hill about fifty feet from the door. His head was turned up towards the sky and his arms were held out. His legs were spread as he slowly turned and stretched his body out.

He was wearing nothing but a pair of cotton pants, his paler-than-normal skin that came from being inside so much lately glistening in the sun. His dark hair was sticking up in every direction and he looked peaceful, of all things. The troubled look that creased his face so often lately was gone, replaced by a smooth, content look. He went through the graceful movements that could only belong to the discipline that Dean gave him on the video.

“How did he learn that so fast?” Sam breathed.

Even the younger Winchester was entranced by the fluid movements of Cas’s limbs, though not nearly as much as the older brother.

“The same way he learned sign language so fast. He’s got a photographic memory or something.” Dean said, unable to keep his eyes off the former angel.

Sam glanced over at him and sighed, drifting backwards. As he went to close the door, he saw Dean walk to the stairs and sit on them, his eyes remaining on Castiel as the dark-haired man moved gracefully through the motions of Tai Chi.

\-----------

Later in the day, Castiel and Dean were signing back and forth, Dean trying to keep up as best he could and asking questions when he didn’t understand. Sam was on the phone talking in low tones and looking concerned but Dean was focused on keeping Castiel busy with everything that he could. Instead of confronting him directly about the lack of sleep, he was taking a different route and trying to exhaust the former angel both mentally and physically so that he would go to sleep whether he liked it or not. When Sam hung up the phone, he cleared his throat to get his brother’s attention.

“We need to talk.” He said.

Dean frowned and looked over at Cas, nodding at him before standing and walking out of the room with Sam. They stood in the hallway.

“What’s going on?” he asked.

“That was Garth.” Sam answered. “More bodies have been found.”

Dean sighed, rubbing his head.

“In Portland?” he asked.

“No, in Charlotte, North Carolina.”

Dean’s brow furrowed and he looked up at his brother.

“So Abaddon’s moved on to another region?” he questioned.

“And she’s dropping bodies as she goes. We need to go there, Dean. We have to figure out how to stop her before she finds an angel that can give her the information.” Sam said.

Dean sighed and shook his head.

“Cas just started opening up and getting better, Sam.” he said.

“People are dying, Dean. I understand that you want to help Cas but this is desperate and it’s happening right now. Castiel will understand.” Sam tried to convince him.

Dean sighed and turned away.

“I’ll go tell him that we’re leaving in an hour.” He said, walking back towards the main room.

\-----------

They were all standing outside around the Impala. Crowley and Kara were standing a little ways off, the female glaring between the brothers. They weren’t allowing her to stay at the bunker, not trusting her with Crowley. She was making the trip with them. Dean closed the trunk and turned to face Castiel.

“You like the DVD?” he questioned, already knowing the answer.

Cas nodded, quickly signing his gratitude over the gift. Dean sighed and put a hand on his shoulder.

“When I get back we have to talk about what’s going on with you, Cas. I know you think you can handle it yourself but I’m telling you that you don’t have to. I want to hear the truth about what’s going on so that I can help you. I wanted to warn you because I don’t just want to spring it on you. You don’t have to tell me everything but you just need to give me something to work with, one thing to help you out with. We can heal what’s happened to you, Cas. But you just gotta let me in.”

Castiel stared at him with surprise, his hands shaking slightly as the words filled his ears. Dean sighed again and patted his shoulder before turning to walk away. Suddenly he was turned back around and Castiel stared deep into his eyes before stepping closer to him slowly. He gave him a hesitant look before leaning in and pressing his face into his shoulder. His arms hesitantly wrapped around Dean’s body and he hugged him. Dean was shocked, frozen for a moment before his own arms lifted and wrapped around the other man’s torso. He patted his back several times before Cas pulled away and nodded at him.

Dean nodded back with wide eyes before gesturing for Kara to come and get in the back seat. Sam patted Castiel on the back as well before moving to climb into the passenger’s seat. Kevin walked up to stand beside Castiel.

“Do you want to go practice more sign language?” he said, looking up at him.

The former angel nodded, turning to walk back into the bunker with the prophet and the former King of Hell following him.

\-----------

Dean, Sam, and Kara sat at the diner. Dean was eating pie as the other two just drank coffee.

“Same wounds, all angels… what the hell can we do about this?” Dean grumbled.

Sam shrugged as he typed into his computer.

“I’m using the software Charlie gave us to keep an eye out for these deaths all over the country. If we can’t stop Abaddon for now, at least we can keep track of her movements.” Sam said.

“Stop her for now? Sam we don’t know how to stop her period. She’s not going to fall for the same tricks again. It’s not like we can encase her in concrete again. We’re screwed.” Dean said.

“Guys?” Kara said, sitting up straighter as she looked around.

They both ignored her.

“We’ll figure something out, Dean. We always do.” Sam argued.

“Guys.” The demon said, turning to glare at them to see them staring at each other.

“Sam we didn’t even figure out the last challenge we came across. Hell is still open because it would have killed you to close it. We haven’t figured that little problem out so how do we figure out this one?” Dean shot back, his frustration coming out.

“Guys!”

“What?” they both said, turning to look at her.

“Oh don’t stop on account of me.” a sultry voice said.

They both turned and their eyes widened when they saw the female standing at their table.

“I’m very patient, after all.” The redhead said, smirking at them as her eyes flashed black for a moment.

“Abaddon.” Dean and Sam said.

She grinned, sliding into the seat next to Kara as the demon pushed herself as far away as she could get.

“It’s so nice of you to recognize me, boys. Especially after you…” she said, glaring at Sam. “… torched my last meatsuit. I liked that one.”

“Well it seems like you got yourself a new one.” Dean said.

She looked down at the body and back up at them.

“She’s pretty isn’t she? I think I’ll stick with this one for a while.” she said, twirling a long strand of hair around her finger. “After all, I do have a thing for redheads.”

“What do you want?” Sam asked. “If you’re gonna kill us just do it.”

“Oh I’m not going to kill you.” she laughed, leaning forward with a grin. “You’re going to help me.”

Dean scoffed.

“That hasn’t worked for you so far so why would it work now?” he said, glaring back at her.

She smirked and sat back before reaching over to stroke Kara’s hair. The demon flinched and leaned away from her. Abaddon didn’t let her, grasping her face before wrenching it around to look at her.

“Show me everything you saw when you were with the Winchesters.” She said before blowing a puff of black smoke into the demon’s mouth.

Dean and Sam jerked up but couldn’t stop as the images flowed from Kara’s mind into Abaddon’s thoughts. When she pulled away, Abaddon smirked at both of them before slamming Kara’s head into the table, knocking her out.

“She’s quite observant. I think she noticed something about that fallen angel you have in your possession.” She said, crossing her hands on the table. “I’ll make this short and sweet, boys. Bring me your angel and no one else needs to die. Keep him away from me, and I’ll start slaughtering humans like that.”

She snapped her fingers and, as if on cue, every other person in the diner’s necks snapped and they fell down dead where they were. Dean and Sam stared around in horror.

“You have one month, boys. Say your goodbyes and give him to me or I’ll tear this whole world apart.”

They watched as she stood to walk out, winking back in their direction before she exited the diner.

“We need to get back… now.” Dean said, jumping out of the seat to drag Kara out.

“Dean we haven’t finished here.” Sam argued.

“We have to get back to Cas now!” he yelled.

“We can’t! Abaddon could follow us back to him and take him! Our best bet is to stay away for a couple of days, even a week. We’ll lose Abaddon and whatever flunkies she has following us and then we can go back. Dean we have to be smart about this. She wants Cas and if she gets him, she’ll know everything and she'll kill him.” Sam said, grabbing his arm.

Dean looked up at him.

“I have to protect him, Sam.” he said, his voice quiet.

“I know, we will protect him but we have to make sure that we don’t lead her right to him.” Sam sighed, knowing why his brother felt such a big need to protect Castiel even if he didn’t know it himself. “We’ll keep him safe, I promise.”

Dean nodded, pulling Kara into his arms before they walked out of the diner. Sam pulled his phone out to make an anonymous call to the police alerting them to the scene in the diner.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Sam get back to the bunker. Castiel gets injured by accident and they discover a shocking new thing about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is going to be a huge development with Cas this chapter that is going to begin to help out with his recovery. Believe it or not with the Abaddon reveal at the end of the last chapter, things are going to start getting better (with a little bit of worse) from here on. I’m only planning on doing ten or so more chapters.

_“It’s been a few days.”_

Castiel inhaled deeply, raising his arms above his head as the muscles in his legs burned with the effort that it took to keep him in the outstretched position. His eyes were squeezed closed so that he didn’t have to deal with the hallucination of Metatron circling him.

_“They don’t care enough to call or even text.”_

He turned his body, sliding through the movements as the wind ruffled his hair.

_“I bet they’re hoping you’ll be gone before they get back. They want you to get the message and leave.”_

With a quickness that he’d already gained from doing the exercises every day since Dean and Sam left with Kara, he whirled around and shoved a clenched fist through the hallucination’s face. Metatron disappeared and he sighed with relief.

_“You know the more you acknowledge me, the tighter hold I get on your mind. The more I can destroy every part of you until you’re huddled in a ball waiting for your imminent death.”_

Castiel clenched his teeth and dropped his head, inhaling deeply before starting the relaxing exercises again.

\-----------

Dean tapped the steering wheel nervously as they sped down the road.

“Dean…” Sam sighed, reaching over to still his hand. “We’re almost there.”

“It’s been a week, Sam. We haven’t called them, texted them, or communicated with them other than an email from a freaking library telling Kevin that we’ll be home as soon as we can be there. We don’t even know if they’re okay. We haven’t heard from them in a few days so for all we know they could be dead and Abaddon could have Cas so stop telling me to calm down. I won’t calm down until I see Ca… all of them in front of me.” Dean ranted frustratedly.

Sam sighed and sat back, knowing that they only had a few hours before they would be there and Dean would be calmed down by seeing that everyone was all right. He had faith that they were okay even if his brother was terrified that they weren’t.

“Let’s put on music.” He said, reaching towards the radio to turn on the one thing that might calm Dean down.

“Don’t.” Dean said simply, sighing as he rubbed his forehead and leaned over against the car door, pressing the gas pedal further down and causing the Impala to launch forward.

Sam sighed and glanced back to see Kara staring between them with a raised eyebrow.

“I would offer to go somewhere to let you two talk this out but…” she gestured around, obviously indicating that there was nowhere she could go.

Dean rolled his eyes as Sam settled his head back against his seat, wanting to get back to the bunker right away to get out of the suddenly cramped car and away from his brother’s foul mood.

\-----------

When he heard the roar of the Impala, Castiel felt himself suddenly ripped out of the trance that he was in. The images of bloodshed and the Winchesters strung up and tortured by Metatron lingered in his mind as he set the journal down. Kevin stared at him with worry as he closed the journal that was once again filled with more translated Enochian sigils that belonged to the calls. Mere seconds passed by before the door was thrown open and Dean rushed in followed closely by Sam and Kara. They all visibly relaxed when they saw them seated at the table. The older hunter walked straight to Cas, dropping his bag on the ground.

“You all right?” he asked.

Castiel nodded slowly. Dean sighed and sank into the chair next to him.

“You care to explain the radio silence, boys? We’ve all been worrying.” Crowley said sarcastically, smirking at them.

Dean glared at him but opened his mouth to explain.

“Abaddon came to us in a diner.”

Crowley’s amused look disappeared as Kevin and Castiel sat up straighter, their eyes wide and questioning.

“We couldn’t come straight back to the bunker and we didn’t know what kind of connections she has so we couldn’t call to let you know what happened just in case she could trace it. She already spent a lot of time trying to find this place and we couldn’t let that happen.” Dean said, his eyes purposefully avoiding Cas as he spoke.

Any other time it wouldn’t have caught his notice but Castiel became more suspicious the longer Dean refused to look at him.

“We were just being paranoid but we think she had a couple of demons following us that we shook off. We should be fine now. We took out a vampire nest and a ghost while we were gone so we weren’t just being lazy.” Dean said, attempting to smile but it came out as more of a grimace.

Sam sighed, dropping his own bag.

“We need to get some sleep. We’ve been driving for a day straight.” He grumbled, moving back towards the rooms with exhaustion in every step.

Dean glanced back at the room longingly as well.

_“You see that?”_

Castiel squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his forehead.

 _“Dean doesn’t even want to look at you. He was disappointed you were still here when he got back.”_ Metatron taunted him, leaning down to whisper in his ear.

 _“That’s not true. He asked if I was okay. He was concerned.”_ Castiel replied in his own mind as his hands went to the armrests of the chair.

_“Dean has always been an excellent liar. Both of the Winchesters are practiced in the art of deceit. Do you really think they don’t use it on you? You’re a gullible, ridiculous, pitiful human now, Castiel. They have no need for you. It’s all pity that’s keeping them from kicking you out of here.”_

_“Shut up.”_ He said quietly.

_“Poor pathetic Castiel. Can’t even talk, arguing with his own hallucinations. Why don’t you just take a knife and slit your…”_

The sound of shattering sounded and the former angel’s head snapped up. Everyone was looking at him with shock but his eyes were trained on the pile of broken glass in the middle of the table where Kevin’s glass of water used to be.

“Cas?” Dean said warily, looking at him with a concerned look.

“You didn’t punch it this time, Castiel.” Crowley said, staring at him as well.

“Punch?” Sam said, confused.

“This has happened before?” Dean questioned, giving Kevin and Crowley a hard glare.

“Don’t look at us. Your boy is the one who insisted that he punched the mirror into shattering.” Crowley said, raising his hands in surrender.

“You should have told us.” Sam argued.

“We did have some other things on our mind.” Kevin said, looking ashamed.

Dean slammed his hand on the table, causing everyone to jump.

“He is our priority.” He said, pointing at Castiel who was still staring at the broken glass.

Every few seconds, he saw blood among the shards instead of water. Suddenly he felt an icy hand wrap around his wrist. He jerked away and, at the last moment, he saw Dean’s shocked face looking at him. Castiel stumbled backwards, his chair clattering to the ground. He tripped over the legs. The next thing he knew, he was falling backwards as a shout of panic filled the room. The last thing he heard was cold laughing as his body struck the ground. His head cracked against the concrete loudly and his vision immediately began going black. The last thing he saw was Dean hovering over him shouting his name.

_His eyes cracked open and he winced against the blinding light. When he finally blinked away the brightness, he stared ahead in shock. Metatron grinned at him from where he was sitting on Naomi’s desk._

_“So now that we’re here, what should we do?”_

_Castiel yanked against the binds holding him before looking up at him with wide eyes._

_“Yeah, you’re not getting away that easily. That fall certainly shook something loose in your head. This is going to be fun.”_

\-----------

Dean stared at the bed rubbing his jaw as he watched the prone figure lying there. Sam stood in the doorway with a worried look on his face.

“It’s been three hours, Dean.” The younger hunter said.

“I know.” He shot back.

Sam sighed and stepped into the room.

“We should take him to the hospital.”

Dean looked up at him with a furrowed brow.

“What if that fall seriously hurt him? We can’t get him to wake up no matter what we do. I mean you even tried spraying cold water on him.” Sam argued.

“And what happens when we take him to the hospital and he freaks out? What do we do if he breaks all the glass around him, huh? He’s obviously not completely human, Sam. This changes everything and until we figure it out…”

“Dean, you just said that he was the priority so you need to act on that. Cas hit his head really hard and he could have something seriously wrong with him. He has to get to the hospital even if I have to tie you down and take him myself.” Sam snapped.

Dean sighed and looked down at Castiel’s unconscious and unmoving form.

“We’ll protect him, Dean. Come on.”

\-----------

_Castiel screamed and yelled as he writhed in the chair. Metatron held the instrument to his eye unceasingly. He felt blood pouring from his eyes. The only way he knew that this was all in his head was the fact that he was screaming as loud as he was. Metatron didn’t bother denying the thought. When the angel drew away and smirked down at him, Castiel sunk back into the chair and whimpered, his eyes both feeling like they were burned out of his skull even though he could see perfectly. Distantly, he thought that he heard a beeping noise._

_“How are you feeling, Castiel? Please, don’t hold back on the details. They really do matter.” Metatron said, stepping back to lean against the desk._

_Castiel squeezed his eyes shut, gritting his teeth._

_“This is in my head.” He growled out, certain of the fact since he could speak._

_“Yes, that’s true.” Metatron nodded. “But that doesn’t make the pain any less real, does it?”_

_Castiel opened his eyes and glared at him._

_“We are in my head and I control this.” he said._

_Metatron laughed and shook his head, crossing his arms._

_“No, Castiel. You haven’t been in control of your head in a very long time. You can’t kick me out now because you decide that you want me gone.”_

_Castiel squinted at him and concentrated harder. As he did so, the beeping seemed to get louder._

_“Get out of my head!” he yelled._

_Metatron stared at him._

_“That’s not going to happen, Castiel.”_

_He clenched his hands into fists and sat up as far as he could._

_“Get out of my head!” he bellowed as loud as he could, straining against the cuffs._

_Metatron looked shocked and suddenly a bright light began emanating from his body. Castiel watched with wide eyes as the light filled the room completely. He closed his eyes against it and found that he could lift his arm to shield them. When it disappeared, Metatron was no longer there. He sighed and wiped his eyes of the blood before slowly sliding out of the chair. He looked around at the door before stepping towards it hesitantly. The beeping was still echoing around him but he couldn’t place where it was coming from. As he pushed the doors open, a rush of wind flew past him and he gasped when he saw what was outside._

\-----------

Dean was sitting by the hospital bed when the doctor came in. Sam was standing by the window.

“We have the scan results. He doesn’t have any bleeding in his brain or any other complications from hitting his head.” The woman explained.

“What is going on?” the older brother asked, sitting up a little straighter.

She sighed and placed the chart on the end of the bed by Castiel’s feet.

“As far as we can tell, he’s sleeping. Has he been experiencing any difficulty sleeping or insomnia?” she asked.

“Yes.” Dean answered quickly.

She nodded and leaned against the bed.

“Sometimes when the body finally gets into a relaxation state, it really doesn’t want to wake up because the mind is finally being forced to calm down and go into an unconscious state. He might just need to sleep off his exhaustion. We’ll keep him in the hospital for observation, of course. But other than that, there’s nothing wrong with him. We have a tube feeding into his stomach so that he can sleep for as long as he needs. If you boys want to go home, we’ll keep your number on file to call you when he wakes up.”

Dean shook his head, taking Cas’s hand in his.

“I’ll stay here.” He said.

She smiled slightly and picked up the chart.

“We usually don’t allow non family members to stay the night but… I’ll get a cot in here for you.” she said.

“That won’t be necessary.” Dean said, shaking his head as he focused on holding Castiel’s hand. “I’ve slept in worse than a hospital chair.”

She nodded and turned to walk out.

“Press the call button if you need anything or if he wakes up.”

Sam looked down at Dean.

“I’m going to go back to the bunker. Call me if anything changes?”

Dean nodded, fishing his keys and out handing them to Sam.

“He’ll wake up soon and I’ll call you to come get us.” He answered.

Sam agreed, turning to walk out of the room. Dean leaned forward, laying his forehead on the bed as he listened to the steady beep of the machine connected to Castiel’s heart.

\-----------

_“Hey Cas.”_

_Castiel glanced around where they were. He hadn’t been to his personal favorite heaven in forever but it still looked the same. The man was in the middle of the grass flying the kite. It wasn’t stained with blood and blackened wings as it had been the last time he was there. Dean was standing there with his hands in his pockets and a slight smile on his face._

_“Hello Dean.” He answered, stepping forward._

_A bigger smile spreaded across the hunter’s face._

_“I missed that.” he admitted, reaching out a hand to Cas._

_He took it, allowing Dean to pull him further into the heaven of the autistic man._

_“This is nice, Cas.” Dean said._

_“It’s not real.” He replied._

_The lighter haired man scoffed before laughing._

_“Just enjoy yourself Cas. It doesn’t matter if it’s real or not.” Dean said, dropping to the ground and sitting with his legs spread out._

_Castiel frowned down at him before sinking to his knees._

_“Of course it matters. The real you is waiting back in the real world.” He replied, sitting back on his ankles._

_Dean shook his head and reached out, stroking his cheek softly._

_“Isn’t this nicer? A world that you don’t have to fear? A place that you don’t have to be afraid of panic attacks or hallucinations? A world where you can banish the bad guys away?” he urged, swiping his thumb over Cas’s bottom lip. “A place where we can be like this without having to worry about anything else?”_

_Castiel sighed, closing his eyes and leaning into the touch._

_“It is nice.” He admitted._

_When he opened his eyes, Dean was grinning at him._

_“But I can’t stay.” He said regretfully._

_The hunter sighed and stroked his cheek._

_“I know.” He said, leaning forward. “Listen to the beeping, Cas.”_

_Castiel stared at him with confusion as he moved closer and closer until their faces were inches away._

_“I really want to ki…” Dean began._

Castiel gasped and his eyes shot open as he heard the beeping flood his ears. He felt a hand grasp his tightly and another hand on his forehead. There was a distant voice that he couldn’t quite place as he stared up at a bright white ceiling. The voice, whoever it belonged to, began getting clearer until he heard his name in a relieved and questioning voice.

“Cas?”

His eyes flashed around and he saw Dean sitting beside him holding his hand.

“Hey.” Dean breathed, smiling.

Castiel winced as he felt a throbbing pain in his head. He opened his mouth to talk before remembering that he was back in the world where he couldn’t talk. He grimaced and let his head fall back onto the pillow.

“You’re at the hospital. You got knocked out when you fell.”

The former angel looked over at Dean with a question in his eyes. He seemed to understand immediately.

“You were out for a little over twenty hours. We were really worried so that’s why we brought you here. The doc said you were just catching up on sleep.” Dean said, trying to smile.

Castiel noticed the bags under his eyes and lifted his other hand, quickly signing something out with the one hand because the other was still trapped in Dean’s.

“Nah.” Dean shook his head in response. “I can’t sleep in hospitals. They freak me out.”

He frowned and looked around, wanting to find the doctor as he signed again. Dean watched with a furrowed brow.

“Cas maybe you should stay here. We don’t have to go home right away. You could even sleep some more.” He offered.

Castiel shook his head and signed that he wanted to go home. It was the first time he’d been away from the bunker since his fall and he wasn’t quite ready to be thrusted into too much human interaction. That paired with the fact that Dean hadn’t slept made him impatient to get out of the hospital.

“I don’t know, Cas. I think that…”

He turned a pleading gaze on Dean, signing one world.

_“Please.”_

Dean sighed and dropped his head for a moment before standing up.

“I’ll go find the doctor and call Sam to come get us. I’ll be back.” he said, squeezing Cas’s hand before walking out of the room.

\-----------

Thirty minutes later, they were in the parking lot waiting on Sam to come pick them up. The sun was just starting to set. Castiel swayed on the spot and Dean held onto his arm, keeping him upright as he felt tired once again. The doctor prescribed him pain medication but he didn’t want to take it until they got home, knowing that it would probably knock him out.

“This was a bad idea.” Dean sighed, holding him against his side.

Castiel shook his head stubbornly, wincing at the pain that went through it. They heard the sound of the door sliding open behind them and several sets of footsteps crunching behind them.

“Well, well, well…”

They both turned to see three men approaching them, smirks on all of their faces.

“… who knew that we would be driving through in time to see Dean Winchester carrying his angel into the hospital.” One of them said.

At the same moment, all of their eyes flickered to black. Dean grasped Castiel’s arm and pulled him back, reaching into his jacket.

“Abaddon wants him, Dean. You might as well give him up now.” Another of the demons said.

“Yeah that’s not gonna happen.” Dean said, glaring at them as Castiel looked between them with wide eyes, wondering what the demon meant.

“Then we’ll just have to take him ourselves.” The last demon said as they all stepped forward.

“You can try.” Dean said, pulling the demon-killing knife out of his jacket where he’d had it just in case they ran into trouble.

Castiel watched with shock as he launched himself at the three demons. They immediately began fighting. He wanted to launch forward but wasn’t sure that he’d be any help to the fight. If he just got knocked out again, one of them would be able to take him away as the other two distracted Dean, possibly even killing him. If he didn’t help, Dean could die anyways. When he saw one of the demons land a particularly nasty hit to his face, knocking him to the ground and causing the knife to fall out of his hands, he launched forward out of instinct, one word echoing in his head.

_“Dean!”_

Everything froze. The demons looked up at him in surprise as Dean turned his head, shock in his eyes and his bleeding mouth falling open.

“Cas.” Dean whispered.

Castiel was just as astonished as the rest but he took advantage of the fact that they were taken by surprise. He darted forward and grabbed the knife off the ground, throwing it at the nearest demon. It buried into his chest and he yelled as his body flashed with gold. Another demon launched forward and he ducked the hit, his mind quickly reverting to the Tai Chi exercises he’d been doing. He quickly incapacitated the demon faster than he should have been able to. When he was on his knees, Castiel delivered a final blow, knocking him unconscious. The other demon ran at him, the demon-killing knife in his hand, having been removed from the dead body. Castiel quickly dodged the stab, grasping the blade and propelling it the other way, straight into the demon’s heart.

He choked as his body flashed and he fell backwards. Dean stared up at Castiel with wide eyes as he stepped away, his hand still clutching the bloody knife. He bent over the unconscious demon, driving the dagger into his heart and causing his eyes to fly open as he died. Castiel pulled the knife out before stumbling backwards into a sitting position on the concrete, everything that happened finally sinking in and making him want to curl into a fetal position. His head throbbed as he dropped the knife and clenched his fists.

“Cas.” Dean moved towards him, wincing at the pain but reaching out to touch his hand.

Castel fought the urge to flinch away, staring at him with wide eyes. Dean hesitantly reached out to touch his cheek.

“I heard you… in my head. It was your voice yelling my name.”

The fallen angel stared at him, his mind searching for a possible explanation for what happened. He gave up trying to figure it out and concentrated on reaching out. He sent the same word, focusing on Dean’s touch to his cheek as he tried to push the word into his mind. Suddenly Dean gasped as his own name echoed in his mind, reaching out to clench Cas’s hand with his free hand.

“I heard it again.” He said, his eyes wide and a slow smile forming on his face. “I heard your voice.”

Castiel could hardly believe it. After everything, all of the silence and sign language learning, it turned out that he did have a way to communicate. He sighed and leaned into Dean’s touch, his eyes fluttering as he felt exhaustion taking over him once again. At that moment, they heard the rumble of the Impala. Sam leapt out of the car as soon as he saw the dead bodies surrounding them.

“What happened?” he demanded as he helped them up.

“Demons.” Dean answered simply, grimacing as he walked to the Impala, his hand still clutched in Cas’s hand.

Instead of climbing in the front with Sam, they both climbed into the backseat. Sam was shocked but didn’t say anything. When he glanced in the rearview mirror as they pulled out, he saw Dean and Cas staring into each others eyes, both of their orbs wide with shock and glazed with exhaustion at the same time.

\-----------

When they got to the bunker, they shuffled in to see that the others were waiting on them. Castiel squeezed Dean’s hand where they were still connected, concentrating once again.

_“Can we wait to tell them? I feel too tired.”_

Dean jumped slightly and looked over at him with wide eyes as if he already forgot that Castiel could speak in his mind. He nodded once, a motion that none of the others caught before he turned back.

“We got in a fight with demons. We need rest. We’ll talk later.” He said simply, pulling Cas out of the room.

The former angel didn’t complain as they walked down the hallway towards the bedrooms. When they got to Dean’s room, Castiel made to let go of his hand. Dean hesitated before gripping it tighter. Cas looked at him with a question in his eyes.

“My bed is closer and we’re both exhausted. Let’s just crash here.” He said, pulling him into the room.

Castiel followed, unable to force his eyes any wider as Dean began kicking off his shoes and peeling off his jacket.

“Come on, I’m exhausted.” He groaned, falling into the bed.

Cas did the same before hesitantly moving to the bed. He stared down at it with caution before Dean turned over and opened his eyes.

“I’m not gonna bite, Cas. Just lay down.” he said, pulling up the blankets invitingly.

Castiel looked around before climbing into the bed and lying on his back. His eyes were wide open as he laid beside Dean. After a few minutes, Dean reached down and took his hand.

“Say something else.” he murmured.

Castiel sighed and his eyes slid shut as warmth traveled all over him at the reminder of his newfound ability.

_“Thank you, Dean.”_

The hunter sighed and squeezed his hand gently before quieting once again. A few moments later, the sound of their soft breathing filled the room as both men drifted off into sleep.

\-----------

_Castiel wandered through the bunker with a light feeling in his body. He should have known better._

_“Hey Cas.”_

_He whirled around at the voice, his eyes wide. She stood before him looking the exact same as the last time he saw her._

_“Anna.” He breathed, his voice working once again._

_She smiled softly and stepped forward, holding out her hand._

_“Come to me, Cas. I miss you.” she said softly, looking at him pleadingly._

_“You’re dead, Anna.” He said, frowning at her._

_“Like that matters, brother. We just want a nice family reunion.”_

_Castiel’s head whipped to the side at the sound of the new voice to see Gabriel leaning up against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest and a lollipop in his mouth._

_“It’s been far too long, little brother.” Lucifer said, stepping out of the shadows in the form of Nick. “I miss you.”_

_“We all miss you.” Michael said, moving forward in the form of Adam. “We just want a nice family reunion.”_

_Castiel stared around with horror. He must have been imagining it but he thought he could almost hear Metatron’s laughing._

_“Did you really think that I was the worst thing your mind could conjure up, Castiel? By getting rid of me, you woke up these guys. Good luck.” The angel’s voice drifted through his mind before it disappeared._


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel shares his newfound ability with everyone and finds out about Abaddon's plans. This leads to Dean having to calm him down and a step in the right direction for both of them.

When Castiel woke up, he winced and put his hands over his face at the throbbing pain in his head. He clenched his jaw but it only made his head hurt worse. He rolled over, pressing his face into the pillow next to him and burrowing into the warm bed. That was when he realized that it smelled completely different from his own bed. Everything came rushing back to him and he remembered that he wasn’t in his bed. He was in Dean’s. When a low chuckle sounded, Castiel turned his head slightly to see Dean peeking out of the bathroom. His hair was wet and sticking up after he towel dried it. A toothbrush was sticking out of his mouth and he was only wearing a pair of jeans and no shirt. Castiel squinted at him as Dean laughed. He sighed heavily and buried his face back into the pillow, his hands clenching it.

“That’s my pillow.” Dean commented after he spat out the toothpaste and rinsed his brush off.

Castiel didn’t move, breathing in the calming scent as he laid spread across the bed. Dean walked out of the bathroom and laughed again when he saw that he was splayed as he was.

“C’mon, Cas. You have to take your medicine and eat something. Then we have to talk, remember? You agreed.” Dean reminded him.

He turned over slowly, peering up at Dean. His hands moved quickly as he signed something at Dean.  
“Ah ah… you can sign at me if we’re across the room from each other but now...” Dean put one knee on the bed and leaned over him, grasping his hand and staring into his eyes. “… you talk to me.”

Castiel’s eyes widened and he sat up quickly, taking Dean by surprise and forcing their faces to be inches apart. He’d forgotten about that. He turned his hand over and squeezed Dean’s gently, focusing past the pain on the part of him that knew now that he could communicate. He didn’t have to do it with touch but considering that he didn’t flinch when Dean got so close for the first time in a long time, he wasn’t going to complain.

_“I can talk now.”_

Dean grinned and reached up, touching his jawline where he had a steady growth of hair.

“Yeah and you got a beard going there too. Need to borrow my razor?” he asked, squeezing Cas’s hand once before moving away.

Castiel nodded, concentrating now that they weren’t touching.

_“That would be nice.”_

Dean’s head snapped to him and he smiled once more.

“I missed that.” he said quietly before moving to the dresser to pull a shirt over his head.

Cas smiled slightly before moving out of the bed slowly. He moved past Dean and reached out slowly, putting a hand on his shoulder.

_“I’m going to take a shower.”_

“Hey take this.” Dean went into the bathroom and grabbed his razor and shaving cream. “I’ll go make breakfast. Be careful. I don’t want you to hit your head again. You may not get out of it with just beauty sleep this time.”

He nodded and turned to walk out.

\-----------

When he approached the main room with a freshly shaved face and clean clothes on, he heard low murmurs. When he walked in, he saw that everyone was seated at the table.

“Hey Cas. How are you doing?” Sam said, smiling up at him.

He nodded at him, quickly signing that he was all right before moving to sit next to Dean. The hunter slid a plate to him as well as a glass of orange juice and the pain medication that he was supposed to take. Castiel swallowed the pill quickly before picking up his fork.

“I was just telling them about the demon fight.” Dean said, watching as he took a bite of the eggs. “Those sons of bitches must have been searching the hospital for us. At least we got outside before they confronted us. Man Cas was badass with them. He killed all three no problem. I think I even saw some Tai Chi moves in there.”

A hint of pride was in Dean’s voice as he explained but Cas didn’t notice. He was remembering something that one of the demons said. He reached over and touched Dean’s arm, gaining the hunter’s attention. He looked into his eyes and concentrated once again.

_“What did the demon mean when he said that Abaddon wanted me?”_

Dean’s eyes widened slightly and he gritted his teeth for a moment before a fake innocent look took over his face.

“It would be awesome if I could do that mind thing back to you so we could have a completely silent conversation.” he whispered.

 _“Dean…”_ Castiel began, narrowing his eyes at the hunter.

“I don’t know, Cas. Abaddon is collecting angels, you know that. She wants them all so why wouldn’t she want you too? It doesn’t matter. It’s not like we’re going to give you to her.” Dean brushed off, turning away to focus on eating as well.

When he looked up, he saw that everyone was staring at him with open mouths except for Castiel who was glaring at him suspiciously.

“What?” he said innocently.

“Castiel didn’t sign anything yet you answered a question.” Crowley informed him.

Dean nodded before shoving a bite into his mouth.

“He can talk in heads now. Cas show ‘em.”

Castiel shot him an annoyed look, not over the fact that he knew that Dean was keeping something from him. He quickly projected out the word, ‘hello’, and everyone looked shocked.

“That’s… what does that mean?” Sam asked.

Castiel sighed and turned away from Dean to concentrate on the rest.

 _“When Anna fell from grace, she retained some of her powers such as telekinesis and the ability to see beyond a demon’s vessel to its true face. She could also hear the angels talking. It is common for an angel to retain a few separate abilities even when they fall because they always want to protect themselves.”_ He said finding that it was a bit exhausting to project his words to all of them at once.

He tried to ignore the redhead that flickered into his vision out of the corner of his eye. It was as if speaking of her brought her into existence. He shook his head and concentrated on Dean.

_“I know you’re keeping something from me. Tell me what Abaddon wanted.”_

Dean sighed and looked away.

“It’s nothing, Cas. Abaddon just…”

“Oh for fuck’s sake!” Kara said, rolling her eyes. “I have been here for a grand total of a week and a half and I feel like I’m the only smart one around here!”

They all looked at her with confusion.  
“He was a damn angel! He’s been around for millennia so stop bullshitting him! He’s smarter than that! He’ll figure it out sooner or later so just tell him! He’s not a porcelain doll!”

Dean glared at her murderously as Castiel slowly stood up.

 _“What does she mean?”_ he demanded, sending the thought out to everyone in hopes of getting an answer.

The older Winchester clenched his jaw and bowed his head.

“Cas… Abaddon knows that you have the calls in your head.” Sam sighed. “She got the information when she looked into Kara’s mind.”

He looked up at Sam with a furrowed brow.

_“So?”_

Silence filled the room. Neither Dean nor Sam wanted to say what Abaddon told them. They really didn’t want Castiel to know what was going on, especially given his self-sacrificial nature.

“She’s given the boys an ultimatum. Give you to them or she’ll start killing perfectly innocent humans one by one.”

\-----------

Castiel felt like he was going to throw up. He stumbled down the hallway, his hands on the walls to keep him upright. He heard Dean calling him, chasing after him.

_“It’s okay, Castiel.”_

He shook his head, trying to block out his sister’s soothing voice.

 _“You’re already dying. It’ll just happen quicker now. Once Abaddon realizes that you can’t give her the information she wants, she’ll kill you and you’ll be with us.”_ Michael said, leaning against the wall watching him.

Castiel rushed past him and into his bedroom. Gabriel was reclining on the bed.

 _“I know you’re worried about the torture but you’re so weak that your body will give out quickly. Maybe a few minutes of pain and you’ll be gone.”_ He assured him as Castiel stumbled to the bed and looked up at him with wide eyes.

 _“I don’t want to die.”_ He whispered in his head.

 _“I know, Castiel. None of us wanted to die.”_ Anna said from next to him, reaching out to stroke his hair.

He could almost imagine that he felt a touch to his head.

 _“We couldn’t control it and neither could you. You’ve finished writing the sigils. Just give them to the Winchesters and give in. You’ve done your duty, Castiel. It’s time to come to us.”_ Lucifer said, perching in the chair with his elbows on his knees.

Castiel turned over, sitting down as his body was wracked with sharp breaths and tears burned his eyes. He blinked quickly, trying to get rid of them as he shook uncontrollably. Suddenly he heard loud footsteps and Dean ran into the room.

“Cas.” He sighed, moving to stand in front of him.

Castiel flinched away, clenching his jaw and scrambling further onto the bed.

 _“Don’t tell him, Cas. He won’t let you go.”_ Anna said, sitting next to him.

“Cas I’m sorry we didn’t tell you but you have to understand… we were going to figure out something. We’re not going to let Abaddon do this. You have to trust me.” Dean said pleadingly.

Castiel shook his head, shuddering and letting out a choked breath that might have been a sob.

“Please Cas we weren’t going to give you to her. Not in a million years. I promise.” Dean said, squatting in front of him to try to meet his eyes.

 _“It doesn’t matter, Castiel. You have to go. You have to do this. She’ll kill innocent people if you don’t. You remember how much you loved protecting innocent people.”_ Gabriel said.

He squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his fists.

“Cas look at me. Please look at me. Talk to me.” Dean pleaded, reaching out to touch his knees.

Castiel flinched and jerked away, tears squeezing out of his eyes as he just wanted to curl up and make it all go away.

 _“You have to do this, Castiel. It’s okay. We’ll be there with you every step of the way.”_ Anna assured him.

He let out a breath and his control went with it. His hands fisted in the sheets as tears began pouring down his face.

 _“I don’t want to die.”_ He repeated.

Dean’s head snapped up and he straightened up.

“You’re not going to die, Cas.”

Castiel looked up at him, shocked that he’d accidentally talked in the hunter’s head.

“She’s not going to get her hands on you, I promise.”

He shook his head, looking down.

 _“Don’t tell him, Castiel.”_ Michael warned.

Castiel looked at him where he was standing by the bathroom door.

_“It doesn’t matter.”_

Dean’s eyes widened.

“What do you mean, it doesn’t matter? Of course it matters.”

Cas trembled as he looked up at the hunter.

_“No, Dean, it doesn’t. I’m dying either way. I’m dying as we sit here. It doesn’t matter whether Abaddon gets me because either way, I’ll be dead soon.”_

The lighter haired looked at him with horror.

“Why do you think that, Cas?” he demanded, moving to kneel on the bed in front of him.

He shook his head and looked down, reaching out to take Dean’s hand in his own trembling hand.

_“I couldn’t have the information that is only meant for angels in my head without a cost, Dean. My brain has been dying for months. The more I accessed the information to write it down, the quicker I destroyed my mind. I just finished writing the calls. They’re all in that journal so it’s only a matter of time. I’m dying, Dean. If Abaddon can make it happen quicker, who am I to deny that?”_

Dean didn’t hesitate, launching forward and putting his hands on either side of Castiel’s face.

“Don’t you ever say that.” he growled, staring into his eyes and ignoring his flinch. “You are not dying. You are perfectly healthy.”

Castiel shook his head, more tears running down his face.

 _“I know this is happening, Dean. They told me.”_ he let slip before his eyes widened and he scrambled for a way to cover it up.

Dean squinted at him.

“Who told you?”           

Castiel glanced over at where Lucifer was sitting in the chair.

_“Don’t do it, Castiel. He won’t understand. He’ll put you in an asylum. He doesn’t care about you enough to keep you around when you’re crazy.”_

He let out a shattered breath.

 _“My brothers and sister.”_ He admitted, turning back to look at Dean. _“They’re always here. They’re here now. They tell me that it’s my time and that I have to join them. They just want me with them.”_

Dean looked around with wide eyes before looking back at him.

 _“We told you not to tell him.”_ Gabriel said, a hint of anger in his voice.

 _“He’s going to hate you now.”_ Anna snapped, no longer soft and soothing.

“Cas… there’s no one here. It’s just the two of us.” Dean said, his hands falling down to rest on his shoulders.

Castiel shook his head.

_“They’re hallucinations. I know that they’re not real but my mind is talking to me. It’s telling me what’s happening.”_

Dean shook his head, squeezing his shoulders.

“No, Cas. You are not dying. Your brain is perfectly healthy. It’s a side effect of the trauma that happened when Metatron took your grace.”

Castiel shook his head as well, refusing to believe it.

 _“I’m dying, Dean. Just give me to Abaddon.”_ He said, hot tears sliding down his cheeks as he said that.

Dean clenched his jaw before pulling him in closer, their faces only inches apart.

“Don’t you ever say that again. I am not giving up. You are not giving up. You’re family, Cas. You aren’t dying and I can prove it to you. When we went to the hospital, the docs took a brain scan of you. They needed to make sure there wasn’t any damage. It’s perfectly healthy. They wouldn’t have released you if you were dying. They would have known. Cas please, you have to believe me.”

Castiel shook his head, choking on air as his chest tightened. His hands came up to fist in Dean’s shirt as his body shook with sobs.

_“I’m dying. I know I’m dying.”_

Dean forced him back up to look at him.

“All right yes, Cas. Yeah you’re dying. You’re human now and you’re dying. Every single day you are dying a little bit more but you know what? So am I. So is Sam and Kevin and every other damn human on this planet. We’re all dying. But you know what? You aren’t dying today or tomorrow or in the next ten years. You are going to stay alive until I am ready for you to die, okay. You don’t get to die until I say it’s okay because I’m not going a day without you, Cas. Not again.” Dean said, shaking his head.

Castiel stared at him with wide eyes, tears still forming. When he saw the wetness in Dean’s eyes, he felt a fresh wave coming.

“I am not going to let you die any time soon because… because I need you. How many times do I have to tell you that I need you until you get it through that thick skull of yours? I need you here with me and with all of us. You are not going to die because I’m not going to let it happen.”

Castiel tightened his grip on his t-shirt and saw Lucifer and Michael flickering out of the corner of his eye with furious looks. For the first time, he dared to think that Dean might be right.

 _“What do I do?”_ He whispered pleadingly. _“How do I make them go away?”_

 _“No, Castiel! You cannot get rid of us! You tried to get rid of Metatron and it didn’t work.”_ Anna said, her voice already fading away.

“Just focus on me.” Dean said, putting one hand on his cheek. “Close your eyes and block them out. Feel me here. I’m real. They’re not real, they’re just in your head and you control your head.”

Castiel closed his eyes and breathed deeply, leaning into the touch. The jumbled voices of his brothers and sister started fading away more and more.

“I’m here.”

He gasped but didn’t open his eyes. Dean was closer to him, his warm breath washing over his face.

“I’m here for you, Cas. Whenever you need someone to bring you back, I’m here.”

Castiel shuddered and moved forward, letting his forehead touch Dean’s. There was a few moments of silence between them as Castiel felt his head empty of the hallucinations that had been plaguing him. He sighed, moving a hand to slide around the back of Dean’s neck.

_“They’re gone.”_

He felt the other man relax and Castiel’s eyes fluttered open. The green eyes that were staring straight into his own orbs as if trying to see into him instantly captivated him. Dean began to pull away but Cas’s other hand moved from his shirt, sliding into his hair and holding him in place.

“Cas…” Dean whispered, unsure of what to say.

His heart was pounding furiously and part of him was still screaming at him to get away, that he was in danger even though he knew that he wasn’t. Dean would never hurt him, he knew that. The hunter just helped him get rid of what had been destroying him for months. Castiel was still trembling as he moved in closer. Tears were still sitting on his lashes and even falling down his cheeks every once in a while. Dean’s eyes flickered down to his lips and back up, licking his own lips. Cas inhaled deeply, shoving his worries and troubles away for the moment. He leaned in, hearing a quick catch in Dean’s breath just before he pressed their lips together softly.

Dean remained perfectly still, keeping himself that way on purpose. He knew, in the back of his mind, that he had to let Cas run the show here. Every urge in him screamed for him to deepen the kiss but he didn’t, simply leaning forward slightly to signal to the dark-haired man that he was more than okay with what was happening. Castiel hesitated before pressing closer, squeezing his eyes shut. Dean sighed contentedly and lifted his hand to tangle into Cas’s hair. His other hand moved down to his chest just above his heart. Unconsciously, his thumb stroked directly over the spot on his throat where Metatron sliced into him.  Castiel inhaled sharply and drew away, his eyes wide at the touch.

“I-I’m sorry, Cas. I didn’t think…” Dean choked out, his breath haggard and his own eyes wide as he started to move his hand.

Castiel’s hand shot up and caught it, holding it in place. Dean gave him a wary look but Castiel nodded before moving in again, kissing him once again with a bit more pressure. The lighter-haired man relaxed and responded equally, continuously running his fingers through Cas’s hair as they kissing gently and slowly. There was nothing rushed or needy about it. It was tender, just what both of them needed at the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me what you think! Trust me, this is not the end of Castiel’s troubles. It also isn’t the end of the thing with Abaddon.
> 
> I hope you didn’t hate the first kiss too much. I thought, given his mental state and fears, that it would be better to have Castiel initiate the kiss so that it didn’t seem like Dean was pushing him too far.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While the group is all searching for a way to kill Abaddon, Dean and Cas spend time together and the Knight of Hell gives them yet another ultimatum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this chapter is a little shorter than most.

Dean sighed as he read through the book. He rubbed his eyes several times to try to keep the burning dry sensation out of them. Suddenly a hand snuck up and pulled the book out of his hand, closing it. Dean blinked in surprise before looking down. Blue eyes stared back up at him belonging to the man lying across the couch with his head in his lap.

_“You’ve been reading for four hours without stopping. You need a break.”_

The words filled his head and he let out another sigh, this time relief filling his exhale as he reached down. His hand slid into Castiel’s hair and he stroked it softly, content in staring down at him.

“How are you doing?”

Cas shrugged, his hand hanging off of the couch and stroking Dean’s bare ankle softly.

 _“No hallucinations. The nightmares haven’t stopped but at least they are only when I sleep.”_ He answered honestly.

Dean felt a flicker of worry run through him but he was still happy that Castiel was finally being completely honest every time he asked him what was going on. The incident when he found out about Abaddon was a week ago and they had been researching ways to kill a Knight of Hell ever since. Sam was digging through old files with Kevin and Kara’s help. Crowley was writing down everything that he knew about anything to do with Abaddon for them. Dean leaned his head back on the couch, still stroking Cas’s dark hair unconsciously.

“This would be much easier if there were a Knights tablet.” He admitted.

Castiel let out a huff.

_“I thought you were tired of tablets showing up constantly.”_

Dean shook his head.

“If it would tell us how to kill the bitch, I’ll take it. I mean, we have nothing else.” he explained.

Cas squinted up at him before sitting up.

_“We’ll find something, Dean. You were the one who said we always do. Abaddon is not going to get away with this and she certainly isn’t going to get what she wants. We’ll make sure of that. Nothing is created without a weakness. We’ve beat everything else so we’ll beat this too.”_

Dean stared into his blue eyes, nodding slowly as he took in his words.

“Look at you being all optimistic. I like it.” he said, reaching out to stroke his cheek.

Castiel sighed and his eyes fluttered closed as he tilted his head into Dean’s hand. He leaned in slowly and touched their foreheads together. Flashes of his nightmares went through his head just like they did every time he shut his eyes and allowed the darkness in. A side-effect of letting the horrors of his mind in for so long to access the Enochian calls was that it was hard to block them out now even though he’d finished writing them out. The journal was safely kept hidden in a drawer because they didn’t want anyone finding it even by accident. Crowley and Kara still hadn’t fully earned their trust.

As he saw blood and other horrible things, Castiel took a deep breath and let himself breathe in Dean’s presence. The hunter continued stroking his cheek softly as he knew what was happening and knew that he had to help Castiel calm down. They heard hurried footsteps and pulled away slightly, looking in the direction of the door where Sam bursted into the entertainment room holding a dark brown box full of papers.

“What is that?” Dean asked.

“I was hoping that you could tell me.” Sam said, confusing his brother. “No not you, Cas.”

He hurried around the couch and set the box on the table.

“It’s Enochian, I could figure out that much. Not even Crowley could understand it but neither can Kevin.” He explained as Castiel pulled one of the old, wrinkled papers out.

He squinted at them before his eyes lit up and he realized what he was looking at.

 _“This is old Enochian, very old Enochian.”_ He said, looking up at the brothers to see blank looks on their faces.

He sighed and gestured to the paper.

_“Just like every other language develops, so does the Enochian language. There are different dialects of it. Kevin, and the other prophets, they all know a different sect of the language. There is the language of the archangels that is only known by them. They all come from the same basic place, old Enochian. That is the language that was first written by Enoch who first wrote the language. His name gave the language its title. He wrote everything down that he heard when he came to heaven. This… this is the book of Enoch translated into old Enochian. I do not even know how the Men of Letters would have come across this document.”_

They both stared at him as he spoke and inspected the papers, glancing over all of them.

“Well can you translate it?” Dean asked.

Castiel glanced up at him, nodding slowly.

_“There is a good chance that the Enochian calls will be mentioned in here though I do not know if it will offer any good information on Abaddon.”_

“It’s worth a try though, right?” Sam asked with a bright gaze.  
Castiel glanced between the two brothers before nodding.

_“It’s worth a try. It might inform us how to prevent Abaddon from using the Enochian calls for her purposes which can stall us until we find a way to kill her.”_

\----------

Dean was leaning against the tree watching as Castiel moved through each step slowly and deliberately.

_“You staring at me is strange.”_

He smirked at the words as Cas turned away, lifting his arms high above his head.

“Well now you know how we felt for the last few years.” He informed the fallen angel.

Dean saw the corners of his lips curve upwards as he turned his head.

_“You could always join me.”_

He let out a huff and shook his head.

“I get enough exercise running towards and away from monsters of every kind.” He refused.

 _“This isn’t exercise. It’s relaxation. Something you could use more of.”_ Castiel quipped.

Deal scoffed and glared at him.

“I relax all the time.”

He turned his head slightly to give him a doubtful look.

_“Beer and porn doesn’t count.”_

Dean raised his eyebrows and smiled. Ever since that night when they’d kissed, Castiel had been much more relaxed and even being funny. There were still times that he would see a troubled look in his eyes but the difference was that Cas was telling him what was wrong when he asked.

“It does count. It relaxes me.” he shrugged.

_“It’s unhealthy.”_

He narrowed his eyes at him and felt his phone buzzing in his pocket. He pulled it out and smiled slightly when he saw the caller ID.

“Hey Charlie, what’s going on?” he asked once he answered.

Castiel didn’t stop, just tilting his head backwards before realizing that he was one the phone and continuing his movements.

“Nope, a different redhead.” A proud and evil voice said.

Dean was suddenly scrambling to his feet as his heart began pounding quickly.

“What the hell are you doing with Charlie’s phone?” he demanded, gaining Cas’s attention with his angry growl.

Abaddon’s laugh floated over the phone.

“I think you should be more worried about what I’m doing with your pretty little sidekick.” She said, her voice sounding like it was far away.

Suddenly a piercing scream echoed through the speaker and Dean flinched as his heart stopped for a moment.

“Let her go! I will kill you!” he yelled, fury running through him.

“You killed my demons when they tried to collect the fallen angel from you. That gave me a little hint as to where your mind was. I thought you might need some more incentive. If I don’t have your tree topper in my grasp in a week, Charlie here will be the first to die followed by every other human I can get my hands on. Don’t test me Dean. One week. You know how to get a hold of me.”

Dean inhaled deeply as hot rage flowed through his veins.

“Please… please don’t… please.” Charlie’s voice whimpered before the line cut off.

He dropped the phone and suddenly he was on his knees, his head cradled in his hands. Castiel was beside him and Dean felt his arms wrap around him. His hand was stroking through his hair and he distantly heard him speaking reassurances in his head. Forgetting for a moment that Castiel was far more damaged and in need of comforting than he was on a daily basis, he leaned into the other man, his head on his chest as his mind whirled with thoughts and he wondered how the hell they were going to get out of this one.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel is convinced that there is only one way to save Charlie but Dean refuses to let Abaddon win. When he finally sleeps, Castiel is visited by a surprise being who gives him new information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the delay in updating. I'll try to get back on track again.

Castiel shifted in his seat, staring down at the journal full of the Enochian Calls. Murmuring echoed through the large room and he glanced up to see Dean and Sam in the corner trying to come up with a plan to rescue Charlie from Abaddon’s hold. He wanted to think that hey would come up with something but as smart as the Winchesters were, he wasn’t certain that there was any way around giving the demon what she wanted. She was more powerful than Crowley ever was.

 _“There is only one way to get Charlie back.”_ he spoke to the brothers.

Dean and Sam’s heads shot up as Crowley, Kevin, and Kara leaned forward with confusion on their faces, not having heard him.

“Cas…” Dean began.

 _“Charlie is innocent in this situation. We have no idea what is being done to her and what she’ll continue to do if we do not accept Abaddon’s ultimatum.”_ He said, laying his journal on the table and staring at Dean.

Hurt and anger flashed through the hunter’s eyes.

“We are not giving you to her.” he growled, stepping forward with clenched fists.

Castiel flinched away and looked down at his hands.

_“I’m not going to let anyone else die for me. I’m not worth it. I’m not sure that I ever was.”_

Dean walked forward the rest of the way, putting his hands on the fallen angel’s cheeks and lifting his head to look deep into his eyes.

“You listen to me. No one is dying. We are going to save Charlie and we’re gonna keep you far away from Abaddon.”

Castiel looked at him sadly, sighing heavily as his hand came up to grip Dean’s wrist. The others averted their eyes, feeling as though they were intruding on a private moment.

 _“Dean not every situation is a winning one. You and Sam know that better than anyone. Sometimes, in order to defeat an enemy, you have to sacrifice something. Charlie does not deserve to be sacrificed.”_ He said only in the older Winchester’s mind.

Dean gritted his teeth and shook his head in a jerking motion.

“Neither do you.”

Castiel took a deep breath and his eyes closed.

_“I have made many mistakes and I have destroyed so many lives, most of them innocent. I almost killed Sam and I almost killed you. My own father avoided contact with me because he knew that I was not worth speaking to. I killed Balthazar, Raphael, and Samandriel. I contributed to Anna’s punishment and death. I obliterated hundreds of angels in heaven and many humans on earth.”_

Dean shook his head, refusing to listen to what he was saying.

“You raised me from hell. You helped me save my brother from Lilith and Ruby. You rebelled against your own family to fight against them with me… with us. You helped us fight Lucifer and you raised Sam from hell. You‘ve died more than once helping us and you’ve turned your back on your own family for us. Despite the fact that you can’t talk and youv’e had your grace stripped from you, you still want to give us even more of you. You are good and you don’t deserve to die. I don’t want you to die so I’m not gonna let it happen.”

Castiel’s eyes burned as wetness filled them. He cursed his very human reaction even though he saw the same reaction in the man staring at him. He leaned forward, squeezing his eyes shut and pressing his lips to Dean’s softly. A tear rolled down his cheek as he kissed the hunter. Dean pulled him in close, a shudder running through his body as he kissed him back. They broke apart and Dean took in a gasping breath, opening his eyes to stare into Castiel’s eyes with a devastated look. By this time, they didn’t notice the others leave the room.

“Promise me.” Dean said in a broken whisper. “Tell me that you won’t give in and that you won’t leave me again. I need you so damn much… you can’t go. I can’t live if you die.”

Castiel grimaced, knowing that he couldn’t promise anything

“Please, Cas… you’re family and I can’t lose anymore family. You gotta promise me that you won’t go to her.”

 _“Dean.”_ His own voice was just as shattered and broken as he spoke in the green-eyed man’s head. _“I-I… I don’t know.”_

Dean stared at him for a moment before pulling him in, clutching him tightly and desperately.

“Well I do. You aren’t goin’ anywhere as long as I have something to say about it.” he said stubbornly. “I’ll keep you here with me even if you hate me for it. I ain’t losing you again.”

Cas trembled, burying his face in Dean’s shoulder and fisting his hands in the back of his shirt.

_“I could never hate you, Dean Winchester.”_

Dean sighed and pressed a kiss into his hair.

\----------

Castiel was sitting on the bed with his journal on his lap when the door opened. Dean walked out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around him and steam billowing around him as he did so. A slight smile formed on Castiel’s face when his eyes traveled over Dean’s damp skin and dripping hair.

“All right, all right… quite ogling me.” Dean said, smirking at Cas’s eyes snapped up to his and he flushed guiltily.

 _“I apologize.”_ He said, his voice ashamed as he spoke in Dean’s mind. _“I still cannot help but feel a sense of pride in your body even now that I’m not an angel anymore.”_

Dean’s eyebrows furrowed and he looked confused.

“What does that mean?”

Castiel’s eyes widened when he realized that he said that. He looked away with embarrassment.

“Cas?”

He sighed and slid off the bed, approaching him slowly. Dean watched him, not stopping him as he reached out and put his hand over the hunter’s anti-possession tattoo. He shivered under the touch but still didn’t push away.

_“When I pulled you out of hell, I remade your body. I replaced the degradation and knit you together.”_

His hand drifted over to his heart and felt it pumping quicker under his touch.

 _“I healed your scars.”_ His voice was hushed in Dean’s mind, almost a whisper. _“The claw marks from the hellhounds.”_

His blunt nails dragged down his chest and Dean shuddered at both the memory and the feeling.

_“The hunting wounds from various monsters and weapons.”_

His thumb swept across his stomach where a werewolf slashed him a few years ago and his other hand came up to his throat where a vampire bit into him.

_“In my eyes you were, and still are, the greatest deed I’ve ever done. Pulling you out of hell and bringing you back into the life in this renewed body is my personal triumph. Whatever else I do, I know that you are here and I brought you back into the world in this beautiful creation of my father that was made whole again by my very hands.”_

Dean stared at him, his own eyes wide and surprised by his awed thinking.

“You really think that Cas?” he questioned.

Castiel nodded, stepping away and turning his back to allow Dean to dress with privacy. About a minute later, the hunter’s arms slid around his waist and pulled him in. Despite a small jump of panic, Castiel leaned back into him, closing his eyes as he breathed in Dean’s scent and felt enveloped in his warmth.

“I feel completely ridiculous saying this but… you’re beautiful too, Cas.” Dean murmured in his ear.

Castiel sighed and dropped his head, feeling ashamed again.

 _“This is not my body. Everything that you have seen of me is stolen.”_ He said miserably.

Dean turned him around, staring deep into his eyes.

“I don’t mean your face or anything physical. I mean you… your self-sacrificing, stubborn-as-hell, argumentative self.”

Castiel flushed and couldn’t help the upward curve of his lips.

_“Thank you, Dean.”_

Dean smiled at him, reaching down and played with the strings on his pajama pants.

“Let’s go to sleep.”

\----------

_“Hello, Castiel.”_

_He looked around slowly, taking in the scenery as he realized that he was in his favorite part of heaven once again. Standing next to him was a familiar face that he hadn’t seen in a long time._

_“Chuck?” he questioned, knowing that he was dreaming because he could speak._

_The man smiled slightly, his hands in his pockets as he looked out over the green grass._

_“Well… not quite.”_

_Castiel was confused, furrowing his brows at him._

_“I don’t understand.”_

_Chuck nodded, looking unsurprised._

_“You were looking for me for a very long time. I’m sorry that I couldn’t show myself.”_

_His heart sank and his eyes widened as he stared at the shorter man with wide eyes._

_“You… aren’t Chuck.” Castiel breathed, unable to say the words._

_“And you inherited the ability to state the obvious from those brothers.” He said, looking amused as he turned to face him._

_Castiel didn’t get angry. He didn’t yell or scream. He just stood there and shoved his hands in the pockets of the trenchcoat that he no longer wore._

_“I suppose that I should have seen it coming. Are you another voice in my head telling me to kill myself?” he questioned._

_Chuck shook his head, looking somber all of the sudden._

_“No, it’s really me. I heard you tonight. I heard you say that you were not worth speaking to and that is not true. I was tired and done. I was avoiding everyone, not just you. I regret not showing myself to you when I had the chance. You were the only one who looked for me, who still had faith that I was there. I did not think that my absence would affect you as much as it did. Then you lost faith in me and I really couldn’t show myself.”_

_He turned his head to glance at him._

_“Why are you here now? Why does it matter? I’m not worth anything anymore. I’m not your warrior or your son. I’m a pathetic fallen angel. I’m a murderer.”_

_His father sighed, turning his head._

_“I’m here to help you, Castiel. There is a way to defeat Abaddon.”_

_Castiel stared at him, waiting for more information._

_“How?” he questioned._

_He reached out, slowly touching his forehead. Castiel closed his eyes at the touch._

\----------

Castiel’s eyes popped open. Dean’s arm was slung over his waist and his face was pressed into his hair. He slowly slid away, the other man barely stirring before he turned over to sleep more. Castiel walked out of the room and into the hallway, rubbing his eyes. There was someone in the main room of the bunker. Kara looked up with questioning eyes when she saw him walk in.

“What are you doing up?”

Castiel stared at her for a moment before moving to across from her.

_“You are going to help me.”_

The demon didn’t flinch, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Am I?”

He nodded slowly, everything that his father told him in his dream flashing through his head as he knew exactly what he needed to do.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has a dream and Castiel acts on his desires. Kara tells Cas something that is hard to hear and he informs her of their plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter doesn’t really further the storyline all that much. There is a little bit of smut, though. So I hope you enjoy that. I tried to make it realistic.

_Dean grinned down at the delicious-looking apple pie on the table in front of him._

_“It looks great.” He announced, looking up at the radiant beauty across the table from him._

_“Oh you’re sweet.” Mary said softly, smiling at him with her head leaning onto her hand._

_Her white sundress added to her angelic look. Her blonde hair was falling around her shoulders in loose curls._

_“I had help this time.” she said, standing up and walking around to brush her fingers through his hair._

_Dean looked up at his mother with a tender expression._

_“Yeah? Who’s that?” he questioned, reaching up to hold her small hand in his._

_She grinned, leaning down to brush her lips over his forehead._

_“You know.” She breathed, brushing past him. “I’ll get you some vanilla ice cream.”_

_Dean nodded and reached out to cut the pie. Steam rose from the dish as he cut it into perfect slices. Suddenly he heard feet pattering on the ground._

_“Daddy!” a voice squealed._

_He turned in time to catch a blur of limbs as the little girl launched herself into his arms._

_“Hey!” Dean exclaimed, sitting her in his lap as she curled against him._

_“Papa’s chasing me!” she yelled, pointing behind him._

_He turned but no one was there._

_“Are you sure?” Dean questioned, peering down at her._

_Big brown eyes looked up at him innocently through a curtain of golden brown hair._

_“Yes! He was running after me and-and I ran to you cause I knew you would protect me!” she claimed, burrowing closer into him. “He threatened me with tickles!”_

_Dean heard floorboards creaking behind them in the hallway and he grinned wider._

_“I don’t know, I think you’re just trying to get Papa in trouble.” He said loudly._

_The little girl shook her head vehemently._

_“I promise, Daddy! He was coming after me!” she tried to convince him as her small hands fisted in his shirt._

_Dean let out a chuckle and stood slowly, holding her on his hip._

_“Let me check it out. I’ll stop any tickles if it comes to that.” he said, turning to peek into the hallway._

_Suddenly someone jumped out and the little girl let out a shriek as he darted forward, his hands attacking her midsection mercilessly as she squirmed in Dean’s arms. Dean let out a barking laugh and pulled the dark-haired man in, gazing down at him._

_“You helped Mom make the pie?” he questioned, looking down into blue eyes._

_“I might have helped with a few steps.” Castiel shrugged, a smile forming on his face as he spoke._

_Dean beamed at him._

_“It looks wonderful. You’re both my favorite people.” He said, bending down to press his lips to his husband’s._

_Castiel responded as Abigail let out a gross noise and struggled with Dean until he let her down._

_“I don’t wanna watch you do that!” she announced, making them both laugh as they kissed._

_“Ugh, neither do I.” a new voice said, sounding disgusted._

_“Uncle Sam!”_

_Dean glanced around in time to see his little brother tossing Abigail in the air with a big grin._

_“How’s my favorite niece?” he said, settling her on his hip._

_“I’m your only niece!” she reminded him, poking his side._

_“Still my favorite, though.” He said, grinning at her._

_Mary walked in at that moment, smiling at the scene in front of her._

_“All right everyone calm down and sit. We’re going to have some pie.” She said, setting the plates and ice cream on the table._

_They all sat, Sam next to Abigail and Dean next to Cas, holding his hand as they watched Mary put the slices onto plates along with a scoop of ice cream._

_“Thanks, Mom.” Dean said, nodding appreciatively at her._

_“It’s your birthday, Dean. You deserve all this and more.” She said._

_“Happy Birthday!” The others chorused._

_He flushed and dug into his pie, almost moaning at the delightful taste._

_“Better than I imagined.” He sighed._

_Dean leaned in and kissed Castiel on the cheek._

_“Thanks Cas.” He murmured._

_“I love you, Dean.” Castiel replied, staring into his eyes._

_He grinned and pulled him in, kissing him full on the mouth._

\----------

“This is batshit insane.” Kara informed him as she watched him scribble down in the journal.

 _“It will work.”_ Castiel replied simply, not bothering to look up at her.

“Because you had a special dream from God? Seriously? What if that was just your crazy talking?”

His lifted his head slowly to glare at her. Kara sat back, shrugging carelessly.

“Sorry but it seems like a legitimate question.”

Castiel shook his head and returned his attention to his rushed writing.

_“Either way, something has to be done. Charlie doesn’t deserve to die in my place.”_

Kara stared at him for a moment.

“You’re really going to give yourself up, aren’t you?”

He paused, glancing up at her.

 _“Don’t say anything.”_ Cas sighed, looking troubled.

Kara glanced around before leaning forward.

“I promised I wouldn’t and I meant it but you have to remember that my ass is riding on this. If I help you and you die, Dean won’t hesitate to put a dagger through my heart.”

Castiel nodded, having already thought of that.

_“He’ll know that it was all my idea and that I lured you into helping me.”_

Kara took out a deep breath.

“I just hope you know what you’re getting yourself into, blue eyes.”

\----------

Dean’s inhaled deeply when he felt the bed shifting. The last vestiges of his dream lingered in his mind and he tried to hold onto them, wanting to get back to the happy atmosphere. His eyes fluttered open to see Castiel sliding underneath the blankets. He reached out and put his hand on his chest. The dark-haired male jumped lightly and looked over at him with big eyes.

“Where’d you go?” he murmured sleepily, fighting back a yawn.

Castiel shook his head, taking a deep breath before turning on his side and scooting closer to him.

_“Doesn’t matter.”_

Before Dean could argue, he leaned down and pressed his lips to his gently. He sighed lightly and pushed, responding to the light kiss. Castiel shifted closer, sliding a hand into his hair as he deepened the kiss. Dean pulled him in, his hands going to his hips as he dragged him closer. The former angel pushed up without breaking their kiss, following his body’s instincts as he threw a leg over his hips and straddled him. Dean’s eyes flew open with surprise and he stared up at him.

“Cas, what…”

Castiel looked back down at him, confused as to why he stopped. His brow furrowed and he reached up, stroking Dean’s cheek and sweeping his thumb over his bottom lip. He didn’t explain his actions, dipping down and kissing him lightly before skimming his lips up his jaw. Dean let out a shattered breath as his hands gripping Castiel’s hips.

“Cas…” he breathed when his breath washed over his skin and made him shiver.

Castiel didn’t know what had gotten into him. There was a solemn heaviness in his mind that he wanted to combat with physical, intimate closeness with the hunter. Flashes of the explicit videos he’d watched went through his mind but he shoved them to the side. They were impersonal, nothing that was appropriate for the situation. His lips ghosted over Dean’s earlobe, drawing a soft groan from him when he pressed a kiss to the area. Castiel nuzzled just behind his ear before letting his tongue flick and his teeth scrape over the lobe.

His eyes widened when he felt something pressing into his leg and Dean shifted underneath him. Castiel pulled up, staring down at him. Dean obviously knew what was going on and he looked mortified. His cheeks were red and his eyes were wide.

“Cas, I… I’m sorry… I can’t really…” he shook his head, trying to find words to explain himself.

Castiel shifted backwards, looking down at the bulge in his pajama pants. He stared at it for a moment, feeling heat running through him at the sight. He knew what it meant and he knew that the pressure building up in the same area of his body was the exact same thing. His eyes flickered back up to Dean’s, who still looked horrified.

“I can’t control it, Cas. I’m sorry if it…”

The hunter cut off when he put a finger over his lips. His other hand lifted from his side hesitantly. Dean watched with even bigger eyes as he laid it on his hip, his thumb smoothing circles into the skin. He moved it inwards, brushing it over the trail of hair from his navel that disappeared underneath the pajama bottoms. Then his hand sneaked down and he very gently touched the hardened flesh. Dean let out a gasp and his warm breath hit Castiel’s finger when his mouth opened. Castiel looked up at him to that see his pupils were bigger and the green of his eyes were darker. He was able to attribute the change to a feeling of lust and he took a deep breath, his eyes traveling back down.

“You don’t have to do anything, Cas. I can just go to the bathroom and take an icy shower and…” Castiel surged forward, sealing his lips over Dean’s to quiet him.

 _“Shut up, Dean.”_ The words echoed in his head and, for a moment, he had his Castiel back.

There was a serious tone to his voice but underneath it, there was a softer tone that held a multitude of emotions in it. As they kissed, Dean choked and gasped when his hand slid over his erection through the cotton pajama pants and boxers that separated their skin. His thumb slid up the underside and pressed into the tip. Pre-come was leaking through the material. Dean thrusted his hips upwards, embarrassment and need coloring his cheeks. It had been a long time since someone else had touched him intimately. It hadn’t happened since long before purgatory.

“Cas…” he whispered against his lips.

Blue eyes stared down into his heavy-lidded green ones as he pulled away slightly, biting his lower lip as he touched Dean’s hard flesh hesitantly.

_“Would you like me to stop?”_

Dean shook his head, unable to formulate any thoughts other than the ones that told him that this felt too damn good.

“I want you to do what you’re comfortable with… whatever you want. If you want to stop, you stop.” He managed to say, his lust screaming at him to stop giving Castiel a way out but he couldn’t help it.

Dean needed the other man to know that he didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want to do even if it would just about kill him because of all the sexual frustration he had. Castiel bent his head down and pressed open mouthed kisses to his throat as his other hand pushed his shirt up to reveal his midsection. His teeth scraped over Dean’s pulse point as his fingers danced along the waistband of his pajama pants.

“Cas… please…” Dean pleaded, heat building up in his body and an aching feeling spreading through him.

Castiel withdrew, afraid that he’d done something wrong or hurt him.

 _“Did I do something bad?”_ he questioned, concern evident in his voice.

Dean shook his head quickly arching up into his touch as his hand splayed out on his bare stomach.

“Please… touch me.” he sighed, his hips thrusting up into his hand, making it clear what he wanted.

This time, redness colored Castiel’s cheeks. His hand slowly pulled the fabric down until it was at his knees. He stopped and his eyes took in the tented black boxers. He didn’t hesitate, his hand pulling them down as well. His eyes took in the sight of Dean’s arousal with dilated pupils and his mouth was open slightly. Dean stared up at him, wondering if he would run now. He waited with bated breath until Castiel’s eyes darted up to meet his.

 _“I am rather affected by the sight of you.”_ he admitted.

Dean let out the breath he was holding and allowed a small smile to form on his lips.

“I hope you mean that in a good way and if so, that’s a good thing.” He sighed, throwing an arm over his eyes.

Suddenly he let out a cry and his hips jerked up as Castiel’s warm hand wrapped around his cock about halfway up the length. His thumb slid up and down the vein on the underside as he watched pre-come leaking out of the slit. He bent down and curiously licked the head, causing Dean to choke on air as his hands scrabbled up to lift his head.

“No, Cas!”

The former angel recoiled, the salty taste on his tongue forgotten as he stared at Dean with wide, fearful eyes. Dean realized that he was sitting up and pushing him away. He shook his head and sighed, pulling him in slowly despite his resistance.

“I’m sorry I just… I don’t want you doing that, not yet. We’re still… getting used to this. I want us to start out slow and that is not slowly. Let’s just do hands for now, please? It would make me a lot more comfortable.” He admitted.

Castiel nodded, his body relaxing as he realized that he hadn’t particularly done anything wrong. Dean pulled him in and kissed him, unable to ignore the slight taste of his own essence on Castiel’s tongue. It was hot, he couldn’t deny it. But he couldn’t let it sway him either. They were going to take this slow and he was convinced of it. He pulled the darker haired man’s hips forward to straddle him once more. This time, his erection was trapped between them, pressing against his stomach.

Dean stared into Castiel’s eyes as his hands hooked in his pajama pants. He waited for the other man to give him any cues that told him he didn’t want this as he pulled them down just enough to allow his own erection to spring free. His eyes tracked downwards and he licked his lips when he saw the swollen flesh. His hand moved out slowly and his eyes drifted back up to meet the blue orbs as his hand enclosed around Castiel’s cock. The former angel let out a strangle gasp and his hands flew up to grip his shoulders.

“Good?” Dean questioned in a low voice, slowly moving his hand up and down the length as he formed a ring around it.

Castiel nodded quickly, his breaths coming out in short gasps as he let his head fall to Dean’s shoulders. The hunter reached up, taking one of Castiel’s hands and bringing it back down to his own cock.

“Let’s do it together.” He whispered.

Castiel bit his lip and nodded, lifting his head to stare into Dean’s eyes as he began mimicking his movements, his hand sweeping over the head to gather the liquid that would ease the friction. Their paces matched and even their breaths synced up in their uneven gasps.

“Cas.” Dean groaned, leaning his forehead close to press it against Castiel’s.

 _“D-Dean… this feels… I can’t…”_ Castiel stammered in his head.

He nodded, leaning forward to kiss him as they pumped each other quicker, heat pooling in their lower stomach regions.

“I know.” Dean agreed, thrusting his hips up.

Castiel, despite being unable to make noise, made up for it by his movements. His hips were grinding in small circles as he sat on Dean’s lap. His lips were forming silent words and his eyes were darting from Dean’s eyes down to their laps and back. His chest heaved and his skin was covered in a light sheen of sweat.

“I’m close, Cas.” Dean whispered, wondering if the other man was as well.

 _“As am I… I think.”_ Castiel admitted as his cock twitched in Dean’s hand.

He nodded, speeding up his movements and encouraging the fallen angel to do the same. Suddenly Castiel’s hand gripped his shoulder almost painfully as his body spasmed. When the hot liquid spilled over, Dean did his best to catch it in his hands. The look of pure bliss on Castiel’s face sent him over the edge. He groaned his name as his own come spurted out of his cock and into Cas’s hand. They lazily pumped each other through their orgasms until they were too sensitive for more. Dean leaned in and kissed Castiel once they got their breath back.

“C’mere.” He murmured, pulling him off the bed and to the bathroom.

They washed their hands thoroughly before tucking themselves back into their pants. Dean pulled Castiel to him and looked into his eyes.

“Thank you, I know that might’ve been outside your comfort zone and…”

Castiel interrupted him by kissing him once more.

_“Thank you, Dean. I enjoyed that immensely.”_

Dean grinned and shook his head.

“Come on, Cas. Let’s get some more shut-eye.”

He pulled him back to the bed and curled up with each other once more, their legs entangled and their hands entwined. Dean’s chin was resting on the top of Castiel’s head so he didn’t see the few tears that escaped from his eyes. They fell onto his shirt and he didn’t dare to sniffle just in case the hunter figured out what was going on. Happiness overwhelmed the fallen angel as well as a sense of dread. What happened was beautiful and amazing but he couldn’t help but know that his bliss would not last.

\----------

Several hours later, Castiel was in the kitchen making both himself and Dean coffee. Kara drifted in to make herself a sandwich and ended up watching him as she leaned against the cabinet.

“I heard you two. Well, I heard Dean at least. I was in the hallway and I heard the moans and mentions of your name.”

Castiel’s cheeks burned as he put sugar into his coffee cup. Kara wasn’t wearing a smirk and there wasn’t a teasing tone in her voice. He turned his head to look at her and saw a serious look on her face.

“It’s pretty cruel, angel. You’re giving him hope when you don’t really plan on making it out of this war alive.”

He stared back at her, his face blank but his insides in turmoil.

“Are you even going to tell him before we leave?”

Castiel cocked his head to the side.

_“Tell him what?”_

She rolled her eyes and threw a bundled up napkin at his head.

“That you love him, idiot. It’s the least you can do since you’re going on a suicide mission in a couple of days.”

Castiel felt his heart stutter at the words and he looked back down at his hands as she turned towards the door.

 _“Not a couple of days.”_ He corrected her, refusing to answer her question.

“Hmm?” Kara questioned, looking back at him.

 _“We’re not leaving in a couple of days.”_ Castiel repeated, looking up at her. _“I finished the journal. We’re leaving tonight.”_


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel goes to drastic measures to go through with his plan and he admits something to Dean without the hunter knowing it.

Dean knew that something was going on. His instincts were firing off like crazy and he hated that he didn’t know what was happening. They were spread throughout the main room of the bunker researching. Sam, Kevin, and Crowley were reading eagerly, taking in the information as they searched for anything that would help. Dean was sighing and rubbing his forehead to combat his aching head. Whenever he glanced up, his eyes swept between Castiel and Kara. The demon was watching both him and the fallen angel, her eyes calculating and her fingers tapping against her legs.

Castiel was different. His eyes were focused on the book in his hands. From years of knowing him and months of giving him undivided attention, Dean knew better. His eyes weren’t tracking across the page and there was a far off look on his face. When he wasn’t pretending to read, he was watching Dean. He could feel the attention on him and the heaviness of something that was being kept from him. The day lagged on in this manner. They only spoke to confirm that they had nothing of use. When it drew closer to the evening, Castiel put his fifth book down and looked at Dean.

 _“We should take a break, all of us.”_ He said directly to the hunter.

Dean glanced up, his brows furrowing and a frown on his lips.

“We can’t, Cas. We have to figure this out now. Charlie is…”

Castiel cut him off by reaching out to grasp his hand.

_“Charlie will be saved but we are no use to her or anyone else if we’re tired and underfed. You need to take care of yourself too.”_

Dean stared into his eyes for a moment and saw a hint of desperation there. Everyone else was looking at them, confused by the one-sided conversation that they were hearing. He lowered his head and took a deep breath.

“Let’s take a break. We’re all exhausted and we’re not finding anything. We need to come back in a while with fresh eyes.” he said.

Everyone else relaxed slightly, putting their books down and stretching out. Crowley, Kevin, and Kara slipped away, leaving Castiel with Sam and Dean. Dean leaned towards him and his eyes flickered to his brother, who nodded as he sensed the same thing that Dean did. When his eyes went back to Cas, the former angel stared back, confused by the shared look between the brothers.

“What are you planning, Cas?” Dean questioned, finally voicing his suspicious.

His blue eyes widened and his mouth fell open with surprise.

 _“What are you talking about?”_ he sent the thought to both brothers.

Dean shook his head and sighed, staring down at the table as he pulled away.

“We can see that something is going on, Cas.” Sam said, looking at his brother sadly.

The older Winchester’s eyes flickered up to look at him. Sam knew that soemthign significant had changed between his brother and the other man. He also had the same instinct as Dean that something was going on and that there was a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

 _“I… I don’t…”_ Castiel shook his head, panic running through him.

He knew that there was a chance that Dean and Sam would figure out that something was going on but he had no idea how to handle their suspicious. He couldn’t just flutter away like he could before when they would question him.

“Come on, Cas. You gotta level with us, man.” Dean said, looking over at him. “If you’re thinking about doing something stupid you have to tell us so that we can talk you out of it.”

Castiel stood abruptly, his chair skidding backwards as he turned away, trying to even his breaths out. With his back to the brothers, he was able to show the internal agony that he was feeling at lying to them once again. Castiel knew that there was a very good chance of them hating him after this whether he made it out alive or not. He’d gone against the hunters one too many times and this might just be the time that shattered their relationship for good. Even knowing the consequences, he couldn’t back out. He couldn’t leave Charlie to bear the pain that was meant for him.

Dean looked at Sam, who looked torn between suspicion and sympathy. The older brother stood and reached out, flinching backwards when Castiel jerked at the touch on his shoulder. The former angel turned his head and Dean immediately saw the wild panic in his eyes and his heart dropped. He was moving forward into Castiel’s space before he knew it. His hands were on his cheeks and their eyes were deeply engaged. Castiel’s hands came up to grip his wrists and his eyes were wide and pleading.

“It’s okay, Cas.” Dean breathed, trying to calm him down so that he didn’t go into an attack.

Sharp breaths escaped from Castiel’s mouth and one tear fell from his eye, sliding down his face.

 _“I’m sorry, Dean.”_ Castiel whispered in his head.

Dean shook his head and pressed a short kiss to his lips.

“It’s okay.” He repeated, knowing then and there that his suspicions were right and that he would have to keep a close eye on the dark-haired man.

Dean buried his face in Castiel’s hair and inhaled, the scent of the fallen angel calming him slightly as he tried to think through his jumbled thoughts.

“Just... tell me if there’s something, all right?”

Castiel withdrew and looked up at him hesitantly.

 _“Can we go lie down together?”_ he asked.

Dean noted that he didn’t answer the question. He took his hand and moved towards the door, glancing back at Sam who nodded. They had to keep a close eye on what was going on.

\----------

They were on the bed. Castiel was sitting behind him with his hands on his back. Dean’s shirt was tossed across the room as well as the former angel’s t-shirt. He sighed when he felt the other man’s lips trailing over his shoulder blades. His hands were smooth, not rough like Dean and Sam’s. It helped that he’d been doing nothing but writing and tai chi for the past few months ever since his fall. His lips skimmed up to his shoulders and he laid his chin on it as his arms wrapped around his waist.

_“You are still concerned.”_

Dean sighed and tried to release the tension from his muscles.

“I’m just scared, Cas. I know that you have a tendency for self-sacrifice and as much as I get it, trust me I have the same problem, I don’t want it to happen now. I mean, I feel like I just got you back and…” he broke off, closing his eyes and clenching his jaw.

Castiel bit his lip, hesitating as he heard the sadness in the hunter’s voice. Dean assumed that he was working on a way to get to Abaddon and he also assumed that Castiel didn’t plan on making it back. He leaned in, pressing a kiss to Dean’s neck and catching sight of the black ink on his chest.

_“Perhaps I should get the anti-possession tattoo.”_

Dean’s head turned and he looked at him with a surprised expression.

“Really?”

Castiel shrugged, his hand sliding up to brush over the mark.

_“It would be smart.”_

Dean smiled slightly and nodded, his heart swelling as he realized that Castiel was planning for the future which meant he intended making it out of this alive. He leaned in and kissed him lightly before turning away again, his hand laying over Cas’s on his chest. The tender look on Castiel’s face melted into sadness and he turned his head away, laying his cheek on Dean’s shoulder. He knew exactly what his comment about the tattoo would do, that it would give Dean hope. He felt horrible about it but he couldn’t have the hunter suspicious of him when he needed to leave that night.

_“How would you like to have something to eat? I can bring it to you.”_

Dean let out a laugh, squeezing his hand. He maneuvered Castiel around in front of him and pulled him in, kissing him passionately. Castiel responded in kind, fighting back his emotions as his hands slid up onto Dean’s shoulders.

“I would like that only if you brought yourself food too. A little dinner in bed situation complete with wandering hands and lips.” he suggested.

Castiel nodded, a smile forming on his face.

 _“I’ll go get it now.”_ He agreed, sliding backwards off the bed before picking his shirt up.

Dean sat back with a sigh as Castiel walked out of the room. When he went to the kitchen, Kara was in there fixing up several plates of spaghetti and one bowl of salad. She turned her head and saw him there.

“Plan is going well, boss.” She said quietly, placing two bowls on a tray with two beers and utensils.

_“The salad is for Sam, I’m assuming.”_

Kara nodded and handed him the tray.

“I’ll take care of him. You take care of your hunter. Oh, and make sure you take the beer by your right hand.”

Castiel looked down at the bottles and took a deep breath. The demon caught his gaze and held it.  
“You sure you wanna do this? You can always back out.”

He shook his head.

_“No I really can’t.”_

Kara watched as he walked out, balancing the tray in his slightly shaking hands. When he got back to the room, Dean looked up with surprise from where he was looking through his records.

“That was fast.” He said.

 _“Dinner was already made.”_ Castiel said, smiling slightly as he sat on the bed and laid the tray down.

He immediately snatched the right beer up, taking a deep drink as Dean walked to the bed.

“Looks good. Who made it?” he questioned.

Castiel shrugged, setting his bottle between his legs and twirling a bite around his fork. Dean did the same, humming when he tasted it.

“Whoever did, it’s damn good.” He said appreciatively.

The former angel nodded in agreement, watching as Dean at but eating himself to keep the suspicion low. Dean picked up his beer and took a generous drink before grinning at Castiel. He pulled him in for a kiss before setting his beer and fork down. He crossed to the record player and put on a disc, letting the room fill with the music. He sat back on the bed contentedly. They remained quiet, listening to the music as they ate. Finally, about ten minutes later, Dean broke the silence as he looked at the dark-haired man.

“Thanks, Cas.” He said.

Castiel tilted his head to the side.

_“For what?”_

Dean reached out, putting his hand on the side of his neck and stroking his thumb over his jaw.

“For sticking with me. For going through hell and still hanging on when I know that you wanted to give up a few times. Thank you for not throwing yourself on the grenade and for not running to Abaddon.”

Castiel paled slightly, taking a deep breath as he felt devastation filling him.

 _“Dean…”_ he began.

He was interrupted by a loud thump from the main room followed by a shout of panic. Dean’s head snapped to the door and his eyes widened.

“What the hell?” he said, sliding off of the bed.

Cas’s heart pounded and he stood slowly, watching as Dean walked towards the door. The hunter suddenly stumbled, catching himself on the doorframe as he shook his head with confusion. Castiel started forward just as they heard a loud shout of ‘Sam!’.

“Sammy?” Dean mumbled, his words slurred and he tried to walk.

_“Dean.”_

Castiel caught him before he fell to the floor and took his weight upon himself. He’d grown stronger since he started doing tai chi and it was a good thing considering that Dean was unable to hold himself up.

“What the hell?” the hunter groaned, unable to fight as Castiel pulled him back towards the bed.

_“I’m very sorry, Dean.”_

He laid him on the bed, moving the tray and setting it on the ground. Dean looked up at him with wide eyes, trying to fight the exhaustion taking over his body.

“What’s going on, Cas?”

Castiel frowned down at him and pulled him up to lay his head on the pillow. Dean’s eyes tracked his every movement and suddenly he understood as his vision threatened to blacken.

“You did this.” he realized.

 _“Kara put the sleeping pills in your beer. I simply brought it to you but the plan was mine, yes.”_ He admitted.

Dean shook his head, groaning as his eyes and limbs grew heavier.

“You lied to me.” he accused.

Castiel didn’t deny it, bending down to press a soft kiss to his forehead.

 _“I am sorry, Dean.”_ He repeated, pulling away and looking down at him. _“I am doing this for you even if you do not understand right now. I promise that I will save Charlie.”_

Dean reached up and clasped his sleeve with his last vestiges of energy.

“Don’t do this, Cas. Please.”

Castiel sighed and carefully pried his fingers away.

_“When you wake up, I’ll be gone.”_

Dean shook his head, gritting his teeth as he tried to grab for him again.

“You can’t do this!” he growled.

Castiel nodded, expecting the words.

_“I know that you’re angry.”_

He lifted his hands and looked down at them, the motions filling his mind before he took a deep breath. Dean’s eyes drifted to his fingers as he signed out the statement. Confusion covered his face and he shook his head.

“I don’t… what does that mean, Cas?” he asked, drifting further into the influence of the medicine.

Castiel sighed, shaking his head as he couldn’t bring himself to say the words. He knew that Dean was furious with him and he couldn’t say it. He bent down, kissing his lips before he pulled away. Dean’s eyes finally drifted closed as he slipped into unconsciousness. Cas crossed to the closet and stripped off his t-shirt and sweatpants. Minutes later, he was dress in jeans, a t-shirt, and a jacket of Dean’s. He pulled on boots and ran his fingers through his hair before he looked back at the unconscious hunter one more time.

_“Goodbye, Dean.”_

He walked out to find Kara standing in the main room holding the demon-killing knife and a gun. Kevin and Crowley were sitting chairs with wide eyes and Sam was passed out on the floor.

“Cas… something is wrong with Sam and she’s behind it.” Kevin said quickly, expecting him to do something about it.

Castiel met the demon’s gaze and she stared at him for a moment before nodding, handing him the knife. He took it and tucked it into his jacket. Kevin and Crowley watched with shock as he picked up a bag he had hidden beside a bookcase that had everything he needed hidden inside. He shoved his notebook inside and looked at the prophet and the former King of Hell.

 _“Keep a watch over Sam and Dean. They’ll be affected once they wake up and you need to at least try to make sure they don’t do anything reckless.”_ He said to both of them.

Kara turned towards the door, pulling out the keys to the car she managed to steal one night when she snuck out. She hid it down the road in preparation for their getaway.

“What are you doing Cas?” Kevin questioned.

He gave him a look but didn’t answer.

_“Thank you… both of you. You’ve been a great help to me in these past few months and I appreciate it.”_

At that, he followed Kara out of the bunker without Kevin and Crowley stopping them. They trekked towards the car and Castiel inhaled deeply, trying to push his panic to the side as they walked further and further away from his comfort zone.

“You doing all right, angel?” the demon questioned.

 _“I am fine.”_ He replied as they reached the car. _“Did you locate Abaddon?”_

“Yep!”

She opened the door and he threw the bag into the backseat.

“You know that there’s one more thing we have to do.” Kara said, facing him.

Castiel nodded, steeling himself.

_“Do your worst.”_

Kara nodded, forming her hands into fists.

“I’m going to have to.” She said.

Castiel watched her as she reared back and his body jerked backwards when her fist slammed across his face.

\----------

The warehouse was almost silent, filled only with the whimpering of the human tied up on the chair.

“Would you be quiet? I’ve barely touched you.” Abaddon said, glaring over at her as she peered back with a fearful expression.

Suddenly a screaming noise filled the air and both of them looked towards the entrance.

“Well well well… looks like we have visitors.” The Knight said, unbothered by the ruckus.

Charlie looked up with wide eyes as she stood to face the door. Suddenly it slammed open and two figures walked through, one of them with tied up hands and a bloodied face being dragged by the other. He was thrown on the ground and the female stood over him. Abaddon squinted at Kara as she rolled him over to reveal the duct tape on his mouth and his big, fearful blue eyes.

“I brought you a present.” The demon said, smirking at the Knight as she walked forward.

“So you did.” Abaddon said, squatting down beside Castiel’s beaten and bruised form.

He tried to move away from her but she stopped him with a hand on his chest, forcing him down.

“Please, make yourself at home. You’ll be here for a while.” she said, grinning down at him.

\----------

Dean and Sam were both still fuzzy from the medicine but they weren’t slowing down as they rushed around trying to figure out what was going on.

“We need to figure out how to find them.” Dean said, throwing out stuff through everything that Kara and Castiel touched in the past few days.

“You can track Kara’s phone. She took it with her.” Kevin suggested.

Both he and Crowley were standing back. They’d both been shouted at for not stopping the two even though he knew that they were armed and that they couldn’t have been stopped by anyone other than the two men that they’d drugged.

“Sam?” Dean said.

“I’m on it.” His brother answered, sitting at his computer.

Dean picked up something, confusion forming on his face as he turned to Crowley and Kevin.

“I thought you said that Cas took the notebook.” He said, holding up the journal that they’d seen him scribbling in every day for months.

The two exchanged confused looks before glancing back at him.

“He did. We saw him put the notebook in his bag.”

Dean frowned before opening it to see that it was filled with the Enochian translations.

“What the hell is going on?”

\---------

They were on the road speeding towards Michigan where Kara’s cell phone was giving off a signal.

“Dean… he thought he was…”

“I know what he thought he was doing.” Dean cut his brother off, staring straight forward at the road with his hands tight on the steering wheel.

Sam nodded, looking out the window.

“You’re pissed at him.”

Dean didn’t answer for a moment.

“I was pissed as hell when he drugged me. I was fucking furious when I woke up. Now… now I’m just… I don’t know what I am.” He said.

Sam took a deep breath.

“You’re terrified.” He told him, knowing what Dean was feeling.

He didn’t answer but they both knew what was going on.

“He did this… thing. Before I passed out… he was doing sign language at me and I know it was important. He was trying to tell me something but I couldn’t understand it.” Dean explained.

Sam looked over at him.

“Maybe he was telling me his plan or something equally important.”

“What did he do? What motions, I mean?” his younger brother asked.

Dean hesitated as he tried to think of them. Sam reached over and took the steering wheel, keeping the Impala straight on the highway and allowing Dean to pull his hands away to mimic the motions that Castiel did. His heart dropped as Dean finished, glancing over at him as he took the wheel back. When he saw his wide eyes and open mouth, he knew that Sam knew.

“What does it mean?”

Sam took a deep breath and looked away, a dreaded feeling running down his spine.

“Dean… you don’t…”

“What does it mean, Sammy?” he demanded.

Sam winced and sighed, looking over at his older brother.

“I love you.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The confrontation with Abaddon comes to a head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beware this chapter, you might need tissues. I certainly did and I was writing it.

Castiel felt as though a huge weight was on his chest as soon as he woke up. When he tried to lift his hand to touch his aching head, it didn’t go anywhere. It was restrained. Everything came rushing back and his eyes flew open as he jerked up. He saw a tall ceiling above him patterned with pipes and metal bars. A clatter sounded and his head whipped around, throbbing painfully as he gritted his teeth.

“Cas?”

The voice was weak and he searched around the warehouse to see Charlie sitting against a pipe with her arms behind her and tied down. Ropes wrapped around her chest and throat, obviously irritating the skin and keeping her very still. There was a cut on her cheek and forehead but other than that she looked relatively unharmed. Her eyes were puffy as if she’d been crying.

“Are you okay?” she said hoarsely.

He looked down to see that he was in a dentist-like chair that he’d seen in movies. Metal handcuffs were wrapped around the arms and keeping his hands down. Straps were over his legs, hips, and chest. He was completely immobile. That wasn’t the worse part of it. It was the stench of blood and the red stains that he could see on the chair beneath him that made his head spin and his breathing speed up. This was the very chair that his siblings had been tortured and killed in, a fate he was soon to follow.

“Cas?”

He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to concentrate on anything else.

“He can’t talk to you honey, or have you forgotten?”

His blood ran cold at the voice that echoed around the room. His eyes opened and he saw the demon approaching him with a cruel smile on her face. Kara was hovering beside Charlie and her arms were crossed over her chest. Her face was fixed in a neutral mask but in her eyes there was a hint of concern in her eyes. Castiel stared up at Abaddon as she hovered over him.

“How are we going to do this, angel? The easy way…” a knife appeared in her hand and she ripped his t-shirt in half, revealing his torso. “… or the bloody way?”

Castiel stared up at her, his mouth closed and his jaw set stubbornly. Abaddon got the message, smirking as she pressed the cool metal to his chest.

“I was hoping you’d respond that way.”

\----------

“Dean you can’t go so fast. You’re going to get pulled over.” Sam said, looking at the speed with concern.

His brother responded by pressing the gas pedal down further as they hurtled down the long expanse of highway.

“Dean!”

“I can’t slow down, Sam!” Dean shot back, shaking his head. “I can’t waste any time.”

Sam sighed and shook his head.

“We’ll get there but you’ll be of no help to him if you get arrested for reckless driving and endangerment. Just slow down a little bit.”

There was a few moments of silence and Dean eased up a little, sending the speed down ten notches. Sam sighed with relief and sat back, relaxing a bit.

“He said he loved me, Sam.” Dean said after a few minutes. “He said that he loved me and I didn’t even know.”

Sam looked over at him to see a troubled look on his face.

“To be fair, he did drug you.” he reminded his older brother.

Dean glanced back with a frown.

“I was pissed.” He agreed, turning his head back to look forward. “But I can’t say it’s not the same damn thing I would have done. If I wanted to go somewhere to save someone and Cas was trying to stop me… he was doing what I would have done.”

Sam nodded in agreement. He’d seen Dean written all over the plan. He found it hard to admit it to himself, but he was pretty sure he would have done what Castiel did as well. It went well with the self-sacrificial ways of every single good person they’d ever met. He wanted to break that cycle and he promised himself that if they all got out of this intact, they would make sure that happened.

“We should be prepared for anything.” Dean said.

Sam looked over at him.

“Cas is a fighter, Dean. He’ll make it until we can get in there. We’ll go in guns blazing and we’ll take Abaddon down.” He assured his brother.

Dean nodded, swallowing hard.

“Yeah I know. But I can’t… I have to expect it, you know? I have to think that there’s a chance I might walk in on a dead body. Or two dead bodies, if Abaddon decides to kill Charlie too.”

Sam took a deep breath, trying not to think about it.

“I think the only thing we have going for us is the fact that Castiel didn’t take the right notebook.” He said.

Dean inhaled and nodded.

“Let’s just hope it buys us some time.” he said, looking over at his brother.

Sam gave him a sad smile before turning his head to look at the road.

“Dean watch out!” he shouted, panic filling him at the person who was standing in the middle of the road.

Dean turned and swerved, the Impala’s tires squealing as they avoided hitting the person. Sam’s arms flew up and Dean let out a shout of panic as they were headed straight for the barrier. His eyes saw that Sam didn’t have a seatbelt on at the last moment and he threw himself in front of his little brother just before they hit the guardrail.

\----------

Sweat was pouring out over his body as his blood ran down his arms and chest, staining the chair and the ground around him.

“Like a canvas.” Abaddon said, grinning at the carvings in his skin as she pulled away.

Castiel sobbed silently, tears pouring down his cheeks and short gasps escaping from his throat.

“Though I can’t say it’s much fun without all the screaming.” The demon said, sounding disappointed as she dragged the knife across his stomach.

He writhed underneath her, the pain sharp and constant as he gritted his teeth.

“Stop! He can’t talk! He can’t say anything to you!” Charlie pleaded, crying for him as she watched him be tortured.

“He has his own way of communicating.” Abaddon answered without missing a beat. “Kara told me all about it. Well, I read it through her eyes. You are a special little angel, aren’t you? Daddy’s favorite.”

Castiel’s body shook and his vision spotted with black over the blood loss. Suddenly her hand planted in the middle of his chest and his eyes flew open to look at her with panic.

“I can’t have you checking out too soon. We’ve just got started.”

Castiel felt his skin burning and he clenched his fists, sobs ripping out of his throat. He looked down to see his skin knitting together slowly, erasing any evidence of the torture that had been going on for the past hour. Flashbacks kept tinting his vision of Metatron tying him down in a similar manner. Suddenly all of the wounds were gone and he breathed heavily as he slumped back against the chair.

“Just like new.” Abaddon said, stroking one hand down his chest. “In case you’re wondering, this is how I kept those angels around for so long. So don’t think you’re allowed to check out any time soon. I can keep you here and alive as long as I choose.”

Castiel’s scream unintentionally echoed through everyone’s minds as she drove a burning hot poker into his side.

“So start talking or I’ll burn your pretty blue eyes out of your head.”

\----------

Dean groaned as he felt himself being dragged out of the Impala. His eyes barely opened and adjusted in time to see Sam slumped against the door before he fell to the ground. A groan escaped from his mouth as he landed on his stomach. The demon moved over him, reaching down to fist his hands in his jacket. Dean reached in, grasping the handle of the knife as he was suddenly flipped over. Before the creature could do anything, Dean had the demon-killing knife pressed against his throat.

“Back off.” he growled, glaring up at him.

The demon’s eyes flickered to black but he did as Dean said, pulling away as the hunter struggled to his feet with a hiss of aching pain.

“Sam? Sammy?” he yelled, not taking his eyes off of the demon as he shoved him into the car with the blade still against his throat.

There was a groan from inside of the car and Dean sighed with relief.

“You all right little brother?” he asked, unable to peek in.

“Dean?” Sam said, sounding fuzzy and not all there.

“Yeah it’s me. You okay?” he repeated.

There were a few moments of silence.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine. Where is the guy? The one in the road?” Sam asked, sliding towards the open door.

Dean looked back at the demon who was glaring him down.

“He’s currently at the business end of my dagger.” He answered.

Sam slid out in time to see what he was doing.

“Did Abaddon send you to kill us?” Dean questioned.

The demon kept his mouth shut for a moment and he nicked his neck with the knife, causing his skin to flash yellow.

“No! She wanted you brought to her before you could stage a rescue for your angel. She just wanted you incapacitated.” He answered through gritted teeth.

“Good.” Dean nodded. “Now into the trunk.”

He dragged him towards the back and Sam opened the trunk, helping him dump the demon in before closing the trunk door that had a devil’s trap painted onto it. The demon began yelling and pounding but it didn’t help him. Dean and Sam turned to each other and immediately began checking the other out for injuries.

“We good to go?” Dean asked when he only saw a few cuts and bruises on his brother.

“Yeah.” Sam nodded, turning back to the car and wincing. “As long as she is.”

Dean walked to the front slowly and checked out the engine.

“Yeah she’s fine for now. Damn I fucking hate demons.” He growled, glaring over his shoulder before he climbed in the driver’s side.

\----------

_Castiel felt light, airy as his eyes fluttered. He looked up to see a white space above him rather than the warehouse ceiling. Suddenly a face appeared framed by bright red hair. A bright smile appeared on her face that dimmed a little when he cowered away._

_“It’s all right, Castiel.” Anna said soothingly, her soft hands stroking his cheeks. “I’m not going to hurt you.”_

_He stared up at her fearfully._

_“I’m not going to kill myself.” He said warily._

_She shook her head, devastation flashing in her eyes._

_“I don’t want you to, Castiel.” Anna assured him, her hand wiping away the tear that fell from his eye. “I want you to fight.”_

_Castiel looked up at her with confusion before realization dawned in his eyes._

_“You’re Anna?” he breathed. “You’re really Anna?”_

_She nodded, leaning down to kiss his forehead before she drew away._

_“Fight, Castiel.”_

He came back to reality with the feeling of his body being ripped open. His eyes flew open to see a different redhead hovering over him, a scythe in her hand as she carved into his midsection.

“It’s easy to end this, Castiel.” Abaddon said, pulling away for a moment and looking down at her bloodsoaked arms. “Just tell me what I want to know.”

He shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to think of anything else. Dean popped in his head and he inhaled sharply. He thought of the way he felt when they were lying next to each other, how his warmth enveloped Castiel completely. He tried to think of the way his lips felt when they kissed, how he tasted of whiskey and a slight hint of mint. How he smelled like gun oil, leather, and soap. When Abaddon pulled away and he felt himself healing, his body was wracked with sobs as he knew that it would all start again.

“He has a journal.” Kara volunteered.

His eyes opened and he turned his head to see her stepping forward. Abaddon looked at her with raised eyebrows.

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” she asked.

The demon looked nervous, glancing at Castiel.

“I’m not sure what’s in it. The Winchesters would never let me see it. I think that it’s Enochian. A lot of Enochian.”

Abaddon turned back to him.

“Is it the Enochian Calls?” she questioned, leaning in. “Tell me.”

He stared up at her, trying to muster a glare into his eyes.

“Tell me!” she roared, her hand going around his throat and squeezing.

Castiel choked and sputtered, his vision blackening as he writhed on the chair.

 _“Yes.”_ He said in her mind, desperate to breathe.

She pulled away looking triumphant as she wiped her hands off on a towel. When she turned to Kara, the demon looked terrified.

“You said he ran away and you found him burying something?” she questioned.

Kara nodded, keeping up the lie that they’d agree to tell. Castiel gulped down air greedily, his eyes going to Charlie who looked horrified by what she was seeing. He tried to give her a soothing look that told her that everything would be all right but he wasn’t sure that it was coming across due to the agony he’d been in for hours.

“Go look around, find that journal. I would be willing to bet that he buried it to keep it from me.”

Kara rushed out, looking back at Castiel once as Abaddon turned back towards him. She gave him a nod and a reassuring look before running off. Abaddon approached the chair and smoothed her clean hand over his sweat drenched forehead.

“I’m bored now.” She sighed before her other hand suddenly dug into his stomach that had been healed only minutes before.

His back arched and his body flooded with pain.

\----------

_“It’s going to be all right, Castiel.”_

_The voice was different this time. His eyes opened to see two of his brothers looking down at him. Two very familiar faces that he hadn’t seen since he killed them both. Balthazar and Samandriel both looked at him with concerned and tender looks._

_“I’m sorry.” He choked out, tears pouring down his face as his hands reached towards them, free from bindings in his mind._

_They took his hands in both of theirs._

_“You are being very strong, Castiel.” Samandriel said, nodding reassuringly._

_He let out a whimper and his body shook as he felt agony in his every nerve._

_“Just hold on, Cas.” Balthazar said, leaning down to press his forehead against his. “Stay strong and hold on. You are doing very well.”_

_He shuddered and clenched his hands around theirs._

_“I’m sorry.” Castiel whimpered again._

_They both nodded._

_“We forgive you, Cas.” Balthazar assured him as he pulled away._

_He let out a breath and gritted his teeth, readying himself to return to the horrible reality of his torture._

_“Keep fighting, Castiel.” Samandriel urged him._

He bucked against his binds as he came to, feeling the hot poker once again prodding at him. Suddenly a shout sounded and Abaddon’s head whipped around.

“Just so you don’t bleed out.” she said, healing him quickly before turning to see the door throw open.

Two figures were thrown onto the ground and Castiel turned his head in time to see the Winchester brothers look up at him with horror at his blood-soaked figure.

\----------

Ten Minutes Earlier

Dean and Sam pulled up to the warehouse, their eyes scanning for any demon guards.

“There’s no one.” Sam said as he looked through binoculars.

“That’s ridiculous. Abaddon wouldn’t have Cas in there without knowing that she’s guarded.” Dean replied, squinting at the building.

“Unless she thinks that she doesn’t need guards.” Sam shrugged, handing him the binoculars before pulling out the demon-killing knife.

Dean looked through them and found the same thing. Suddenly the side windows of the Impala were shattered and they were seized by two demons and dragged out through the windows.

“Son of a bitch!” Dean growled, trying to struggle with his captor.

“There’s no use.” A familiar voice spoke.

They both looked up with shock to see Kara standing there holding a familiar duffle bag that was covered in dirt.

“You bitch!” Dean yelled, glaring daggers at her. “I’m going to kill you!”

She raised her eyebrows.

“No Dean, you’re not.” She said, nodding at the demons and turning to walk towards the warehouse.

They were dragged behind Kara and once the door was thrown open, they were tossed to the ground and the demon-killing knife was in one of the demons’ hand. Dean looked up and what he saw made him want to throw up and cry at the same time. Castiel was on a dentist-like chair strapped down and covered in his own blood. He couldn’t see any visible wounds but he knew exactly why. Abaddon had been healing him and then digging into him again. Castiel’s head turned and their eyes met. He saw that they were red and tears stained his cheeks. Abaddon walked towards them looking smug.

“I knew you boys would come.” She said, squatting down in front of them. “You can’t resist playing hero, can you?”

Her hand reached out to stroke Dean’s cheek and he jerked away, glaring up at her.

“You’re gonna pay for this.” he promised her.

Abaddon let out a cold laugh and straightened up, turning to Kara and holding her hand out. The demon transferred the bag to her, her eyes flickering to the Winchesters before she stepped back. Dean and Sam caught sight of Charlie and sighed with relief when they saw that she was relatively unharmed. Abaddon took the bag to a table and unzipped it, digging through the weapons until she produced a journal. Dean and Sam exchanged a look before he looked at Castiel with confusion. His eyes were closed and Dean thought that he might have succumbed to his torture until he saw the rise and fall of his chest. Abaddon flipped through the pages with a gleeful look.

“You supplied translations and everything.” She said, walking over to Castiel.

Dean moved to get up but a demon planted his foot in the middle of his back. Her hand stroked down Castiel’s cheek and his eyes fluttered open.

“You’re a smart one, Castiel. I’ll give you that. You know when it’s best to give in.” she said, a dagger produced in her hand.

Dean struggled, trying to get up to help Cas but she turned away from him to face them.

“You.” she said, pointing at the nearest demon.

He stepped forward obediently and walked to her.

“Knees.” Abaddon said simply.

The demon obeyed her order, kneeling down and holding his head high.

“You’ve been loyal.” The Knight acknowledged, stroking his cheek with the knife.

He looked up at her, his eyes flickering to black.

“But I’m afraid that you’re usefulness has run out and I need you for something else.”

The knife slit across his throat and he gargled. Before his hands could come up to his wound, she forced his body down and the blood began dripping into a bowl that hadn’t been there before. Abaddon glanced up at them as the demon’s blood poured out of his throat.

“You want some, Sammy?” she asked, smirking.

They watched with wide eyes as the possessed body drained of blood until it slumped to the ground. Abaddon straightened up once she picked up the bowl. Her eyes flashed to the two demons who were holding Sam and Dean down.

“You.” She pointed at one of them. “Get out of that meatsuit and find another one.”

He nodded and suddenly black smoke was pouring out of his mouth. Dean turned his head and watched as the man stumbled backwards. He fell to the ground, breathing heavily once the demon was gone.

“You go get the girl.” Abaddon instructed the female holding Sam down.

He hesitated and glanced down at the brothers.

“I can handle them. Go.”

The demon turned and ran out as she approached the confused human. She set the blood-filled bowl down and walked to him with a clean one in her hand. Dean panicked and scrambled to put himself between them.

“Don’t. He’s innocent. Take my blood instead.” He said quickly, not willing to allow the man to die.

“Dean no!” Sam yelled.

Abaddon laughed and flicked her hand, throwing him to the side.

“I’m going to kill you when I’m done but it’s going to be very slowly. Ask your blue-eyed friend if you want to know how that’s going to go.”

Dean and Sam watched with disgust and horror as she drained the human of blood in the same way she drained the demon. When his body fell to the ground, the door opened and they looked to see the demon dragging a young dark-haired female with handcuffs on her wrists. Blood was dripping down her face and she looked terrified and angry at the same time.

“Nice of you to join us.” Abaddon said, setting the second full bowl down and turning to face her.

The female’s eyes flashed up to Castiel and she stared at him for a moment, taking in his injuries.

“You will be struck down.” the girl threatened as the demon forced her onto her knees.

“Not likely.” The Knight of Hell replied, approaching her with a different blade in her hand.

Dean and Sam stared at the silver blade, realizing that the young girl was an angel.

“Why don’t you kill him?” the demon asked, nodding at Castiel who was still bound to the chair and barely conscious.

“I’m not done with him yet. Dean needs to see his angel in pain.” She said simply, brandishing the blade.

The angel glared up at her.

“You will suffer for your injustices against my brothers and sisters.” She said.

Abaddon simply smiled before the angel blade slid across her throat. Blood and grace poured out into the third bowl, mixing as the angel gargled and fell forward. Dean looked up at Castiel to see tears on his face again while he watched his sister die. Abaddon straightened up with triumph in her eyes.

“It’s time.” she announced, approaching one of the walls.

The remaining demon rushed forward and brought her the other two bowls. Dean and Sam tried to move but they found themselves frozen in place. Dean turned his head to see Kara quickly untying Charlie. She looked up to see the stress on their faces. Her emotionless look melted off of her face and she winked, her head tilting towards Castiel. Dean looked at him to see that he was watching Abaddon closely. The brothers looked over to see her drawing a large sigil on the wall using the blood of the angel, the demon, and the human. Once the sigil was completed, she stepped away and her hands were clean.

“Bring me the journal and the angel.” Abaddon instructed.

Dean growled and tried to struggle against the hold on him as the demon did as she said. With the journal tucked under her arm, the demon pulled the straps off of Castiel and yanked him off of the table. Agony flashed across his face and Dean gritted his teeth as Castiel was dragged over to lay at Abaddon’s side. When the journal was in her hands, she looked over at Dean and Sam with a smile on her face.

“Now it’s my turn to be in charge of everything.” She informed them.

They watched with wide eyes as she began chanting the Enochian words. It went on for what seemed like forever and the older brother was desperate to get to Castiel’s side. The fallen angel was fighting to remain conscious as he lifted his head to watch Abaddon perform the ritual. Charlie and Kara stumbled backwards but didn’t leave, unable to tear their eyes away from what was happening.

The sigil began lighting up a bright blue color and it stretched out towards Abaddon as she spoke the Enochian words. The other demon stepped away with wide eyes, looking slightly afraid as the light flowed into the Knight’s body. Her voice grew louder and the others shielded their eyes as the light burned brighter. Suddenly it stopped and the journal dropped to the ground. Abaddon swayed on the spot as Castiel attempted to move away from her.

“Are you all right?” The demon asked with hesitation.

Abaddon turned slowly and they saw that her eyes were filed with the light and a smile was stretched across her face. Dean and Sam exchanged looks, dread setting in as they had a feeling that this was one threat they weren’t going to be able to stop. The Knight took a step forward and suddenly her body froze. The smile melted off of her face and she blinked, her eyes suddenly going to black.

“What’s happening?” she said, her hands forming fists.

Dean’s eyes went to Castiel to see him trying to crawl away from her. Suddenly she jerked and threw her head back, screaming as a puff of black smoke poured out of her mouth and her body flashed with the white light. She folded in on herself before looking at Castiel.

“What’s happening?” she roared, her voice adopted an animal-like growl as she glared at him.

A dagger appeared in her hand and Dean jerked forward, trying to escape from the hold she still had on him. Castiel took them all by surprise, smiling with blood in his mouth as he shook his head at her. A furious scream escaped from her mouth before she flashed with light again. Suddenly she was bringing the dagger down and Dean let out a shout of panic as she buried it in his stomach. Charlie screamed behind them. Castiel’s eyes bulged and he jerked as the blade slid into him.

“Tell me!” Abaddon screamed, more black smoke escaping from her mouth as blood began leaking from her nose, eyes, and ears.

Castiel’s head turned and his blue eyes locked with Dean’s, who was looking on with his heart pounding and panic filling him.

 _“Kill her Dean!”_ the words echoed in his head and just as another flash of light went through Abaddon’s body, they were released from the hold.

Dean realized that she was weakened and looked around desperately. The demon-killing knife was laying on the ground where the human was lying dead. He snatched it up and ran at Abaddon who was still crouching over Castiel trying to get an answer. Just as she pulled the knife out to stab him again, Dean drove the blade into her back. She let out a scream and her body flickered between gold and white. Blood poured out of her mouth as Dean ripped the knife out and staggered backwards. Abaddon turned to face him, her eyes wide as they went back to the normal color.

“What?” she whispered just before she fell to her knees.

Dean gripped the knife and stepped forward again.

“I told you that I would kill you if you touched him.” he reminded her before driving the knife into her heart.

She let out an inhuman scream and light exploded around them, sending them all flying backwards before it ended. Roaring built in Dean’s ears but he ignored it, stumbling to his feet and catching sight of Castiel slumped against the wall with his hands over his stomach. Blood leaked from his mouth and his eyes were fluttering. Dean ran to him, looking around to see that the demon was gone, having fled to keep from being killed as well. He dropped the knife and fell to his knees at Castiel’s side. The angel looked up at him, his eyelids heavy.

“Hey, hey you’re gonna be okay. Sam go get the car!” Dean yelled, turning to look at his brother who was helping Charlie and Kara up.

Sam turned to run out.

“We’re gonna get you to a hospital. It’s gonna be okay.” Dean assured him, pulling him into his arms.

Castiel winced before his hand reached out to grasp his hand.

 _“Dean.”_ His voice was weakened even in his head.

“I’m here, Cas.” Dean said, feeling his throat constricting and his eyes burning.

Castiel’s lip trembled and he took a deep, shattered breath.

_“I did it for you, Dean.”_

He shook his head.

“I’m not mad at you, Cas. You just gotta make it through this, okay?” he urged him, his hand coming up to stroke his hair.

Castiel stared at him, emotions flickering through his eyes.

_“I have to fight?”_

Dean nodded quickly, desperation filling him.

“Yeah, yeah Cas you have to fight.”

Castiel nodded with difficulty, swallowing hard

_“I have to fight… because I love you.”_

Dean let out a sob and he wrapped his arms around him tighter, bringing him up to his chest.

“Yes, Cas! Yes!” he urged. “Fight because you love me!”

Dean heard weeping behind him and knew that it was Charlie.

“You hear me?” he said, stroking his hair and face soothingly as Castiel took labored breaths. “You fight because… because I love you too. Okay? I love you too so you had better fight your way through this so I can take you home and lay with you. So that we can make apple pie and go on hunts together and we can have sex and be together, all right? I love you so you have to make it through this.”

Castiel inhaled deeply, his hand clutching at Dean’s shirt.

_“I love you, Dean Winchester.”_

Dean trembled at the words and held him closer. Suddenly the hand gripping his shirt fell, dropping onto his lap as Castiel’s form went limp.

“Cas?” he shifted him and saw that his eyes were closed.

Dean’s heart dropped and his mind went blank for a moment.

“No no no. Cas!” he yelled, shaking him.

He was like a rag doll, limp in his arms.

“No!” Dean shouted, anguish filling his voice as he clutched him close. “No you wake up! Castiel you come back to me, dammit! Come back!”

He heard footsteps running in and the low rumble of his car outside the door. Dean turned his head to see Sam there with a shocked and devastated expression. Tears poured down the older brother’s face as he looked up at his little brother. He shook his head and turned back to Castiel, pulling him up to hold him close.

“Cas.” He whimpered, rocking him as he put his hand over his throat.

That was when he felt the faint heartbeat underneath his touch.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the confrontation with Abaddon. Dean deals with his injuries as Castiel must make a decision.

Dean slammed through the doors of the hospital with Sam hot on his heels. Charlie and Kara ran in behind them.

“I need help!” Dean shouted, ignoring his straining muscles as he cradles Castiel in his arms.

They attracted a flurry of activity. Nurses ran up with a gurney and a doctor bolted out of a patient room. Dean stared at Castiel’s pale, motionless form as he was shoved away. The doctor began shouting orders as he was swept into an empty trauma room and the door was slammed shut. Charlie was ushered towards a bed by a nurse who noticed her wounds. Dean watched through the window as they stripped Castiel’s tattered clothing off and hooked him up to various machines.

“What happened?” Sam demanded of Kara.

“You saw as much as I did.” the demon replied.

“What did Cas tell you? Why did the ritual not work?” the younger Winchester continued questioning her.

“He didn’t tell me anything anything. All I know is that he re-wrote the notebook in another notebook and told me to deliver him to Abaddon.” Kara sighed.

Dean didn’t pay attention to either of them, watching the doctors and nurses as they worked to stabilize Cas and stop his bleeding.

“Dean…” Sam began.

“Go burn her body just in case.” He said in a hoarse voice. “I’ll stay here and keep an eye on Cas and Charlie.”

Sam reached out and touched his shoulder. Dean looked back into the room and flinched when he saw them shoving a breathing tube down his throat. It looked unnatural. He was used to seeing Castiel weakened over the past few months but this was the final straw in his mind. Seeing the angel that had slammed through those barn doors in a shower of sparks and seeing him with such strength and power after that and now witnessing his weakened body on the brink of death was affecting more than he’d like to admit.

“I can’t watch this.” he whispered, stepping away from the window and shaking his head.

Dean looked around and saw a doctor cleaning up Charlie’s head wound and getting ready to stitch her up. He walked over and sat by the bed.

“How is Castiel?” she asked, soudning concerned.

Dean shook his head, swallowing hard as he wrung his hands together.

“He’s not good.” He admitted, his voice breaking.

“He’ll be okay, Dean. He’s strong and you know it. I mean with all that you’ve been through, you have to know that you’ll come through this too.” Charlie encouraged him.

Dean looked up at her an dsighed.

“I’m sorry, Charlie. I’m sorry that you got caught up in this when it wasn’t anything to do with you.” he said, not missing the doctor’s accusing look.

“Did he do this to you?” he questioned suspiciously.

Charlie shook her head vigorously.

“No he saved me.” she assured the doctor.

Dean flashed the badge in his pocket and spun a story about hunting down someone who got a hold of his family. The doctor seemed to buy it and Dean relaxed when he knew that the guy wouldn’t call the cops. When he finished up with Charlie, they both looked up to see doctors and nurses trickling out of the trauma room that Castiel was in. The main doctor caught sight of Dean and walked over to him, sitting down to be on his level.

“The first words out o your mouth better be that you saved his life, Doc.” Dean said warningly.

To his credit, the man didn’t look fazed by his words.

“He is stabilized for now. His wound avoided any major organs and internal bleeding is minimal so surgery is not necessary. He did lose a lot of blood, more than was possible with the knife wound but we couldn’t find any other sources of bleeding. We’re going to take him for a scan just to make sure we didn’t miss anything and then we’ll move him to the intensive care unit. His heart did stop once but we were able to revive him almost immediately. His lungs are overworked and one of them is punctured so we put him on a breathing machine until he can breathe on his own.” he explained.

“Will he wake up?” Dean asked, wanting to know the answer to the only question he cared about.

The doctor hesitated and sighed, reaching out a hand to touch Dean’s shoulder.

“We’ll have to wait and see but for now we’ll monitor him.” he said.

Dean sighed and rubbed his chin. His body stretched up when he saw them wheeling Castiel out of the room.

“I’ll have a nurse let you know whe he’s put in a room.” the doctor assured him before standing up and walking behind the gurney.

Dean stared as they walked off.

“You should have Sam bring Crowley here. His mother was a witch and he might know a few things to help you.” Charlie suggested.

Dean shook his head and glanced at her.

“I trust Crowley about as far as I can throw him.” he said.

Charlie remained quiet for a moment before reaching out to squeeze his bicep.

“I don’t know, you’re pretty strong. I think you can throw him pretty far.” She acknowledged.

Dean let out a chuckle.

“I knew I would get a laugh.” Charlie nodded. “Now go be with your man, I’ll come up when they release me.”

Dean stood, stretching out before leaning down to kiss her head.

“When Sam gets back I’ll have him take you to a motel so you can clean up and get some food and rest.” he assured her before turning to walk off.

—————

_Castiel sighed as he stretched out on the soft grass. He felt an annoying itch in his throat and a sting in his chest._

_“You know you’re not really here.” Anna informed him._

_Castiel glanced over to see her lying on the ground with him, her red hair fanning out and her white dress rippling in the light breeze._

_“Here being?” he asked._

_“Heaven.” Samandriel said from where he was sitting at Castiel’s feet with his legs folded and crossed._

_Castiel sat up slowly and remembered everything that happened with Abaddon._

_“I died.” He remembered._

_“Oh don’t be such a drama queen. We died.” Balthazar said, sitting next to him. “Your heart stopped for a few seconds and then the wonders of modern medicine brought you back.”_

_Castiel looked over at him and suddenly felt a painful shock in his chest. He clutched at it as he groaned before the pain disappeared._

_“Why isn’t this my heaven?” he asked, looking around at them._

_Anna sat up and took his other hand, squeezing it gently._

_“Because we all know that you will not go peacefully into any heaven until you can Dean by your side.” She murmured, stroking his hair with her other hand._

—————

Dean sighed heavily, splashing his face with water as he listened closely to the beeping outside in the room. Once his hands and face were devoid of blood and dirt, he wiped them dry and walked out into the hospital room. Castiel looked very small in the bed despite the fact that he wasn’t small at all.

His hospital gown was loose and blankets were drawn up to his chest. One of the nurses had washed him off, even cleaning his hair to get rid of the blood. He sat by the bed and leaned back in his chair, watching Cas as the machine pumped air into his lungs. His hands shook as he reached out to take Castiel’s hand in his own.

A bag of blood was hanging on the other side of the bed and connected into one of his arms and a bag of pain medication was connected to the other. His heart skipped a beat and Dean looked up at the machine with wide eyes, ready to shout if something went wrong. Sam, Charlie, and Kara all walked in at that moment.

“How is he doing?” Sam questioned, standing on the other side of the bed.

“Fine for now. We’re just waiting for him to breathe on his own and then we’ll worry about him waking up.”

Sam sighed, nodding slowly.

“He’ll pull through, Dean.” He assured his older brother.

Dean nodded simply and looked up at them with sad eyes.

“I’m laying down the law right now. No demon deals of any kind. Nothing good ever comes of it and Castiel would be pissed.” Charlie said.

They all looked at her with surprise and she glanced over at Kara guiltily.

“Sorry.”

“I’m not offended.” The demon shrugged.

A chuckle escaped from Sam’s lips and Dean followed in kind, shaking his head.

“You should take Charlie to a motel room and let her rest.” Dean said to his brother.

“You need to rest too.” Sam replied.

Dean shook his head.

“I’m going to stay here with Cas. If I need to sleep there’s a couch. They gave me permission to stay the night.” He answered.

Sam nodded and turned to walk out. Kara stood her ground, leaning against the wall too. Charlie and Sam hesitated, looking between them.

“You can go too.” Dean said, trying to inform the demon that, at the moment, he had no hostility towards her.

She sighed and crossed her arms over her chest.

“We’re less than twenty miles away from the spot where Abaddon died. I’m willing to bet that put out a big power spike that will be calling to demons and other monsters for miles around. Not to mention that demon that got away. You need backup and I don’t need sleep.” She said. “You can relax and watch over Castiel and I can keep watch for you.”

Dean looked at her with surprise. Sam looked back at him, his hand twitching towards his jacket. Dean considered her words before looking at his brother. He nodded at him once and Sam pulled the demon-killing knife, handing it off to her. She stuck it in her jacket and nodded at him before sitting down in the chair by the door. Sam and Charlie turned to walk out as Dean moved back to focus on Cas, both of his hands covering his.

—————

_“I can’t be here.” Castiel said, clutching at his hair as he curled up on the grass._

_He felt Anna’s soothing hand rubbing his back as he breathed heavily._

_“You can’t go back there either.” Samandriel said._

_Castiel looked over at him with wide eyes, panic filling him._

_“Why?” he asked._

_“You’re dying, Castiel. Your body is fading and you can’t wake up because your vessel is not strong enough anymore.” Anna said quietly, trying to break it to him as gently as possible._

_He looked between them and shook his head._

_“You said I… you said it wasn’t time.” he stammered._

_“No we said you hadn’t died yet. That doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen.” Balthazar informed him._

_“No.” he refused, moving away from them and standing up. “No no I told Dean I would fight. I have to fight.”_

_His brothers and sister stood slowly, treating him as if he was easily startled._

_“You are human, Castiel. There are some things that humans just can’t fight and this is one of them. You’re just fading and that’s what happens when you’re human.” Samandriel said._

_“Don’t worry, we’ll be here with you. You won’t feel a thing.” Anna assured him._

_“No!” he pulled away from them, turning away from him and looking out at the field that they were in. “I promised Dean that I would fight and I can’t just give up.”_

_“It’s not giving up, Castiel. You fought as hard as you could and you are dying a hero.” Balthazar said._

_“No! I am not dying! I will not die!” he argued. “You are my hallucinations trying to convince me to die again.”_

_“Castiel we’re not hallucinations, we’re real.” Samandriel said._

_“No! I am not going to listen to you! I will wake up and I will see Dean again!”_

_The other three all sighed, looking frustrated as they watched him pacing and trying to figure out how to get himself out of this._

—————

Dean jerked awake, the sped up beeping registering in his mind as two nurses and a doctor ran in. Castiel’s body was lying perfectly still but his heart was pounding furiously.

“What’s going on?” he demanded, watching as the doctor peeled back his eyelid and shined a penlight into it.

“I’m not sure.” The woman answered nodding at the nurse to lay the bed back so that they could check his breathing tube.

The doctor checked his breathing sounds as the nurse looked into his mouth.

“It’s in place.” she announced.

“His lungs are inflating fine.” The doctor said with confusion. “His pupils aren’t dilated and there isn’t blood in his eyes. It’s not an aneurism. He’s not seizing.”

Dean felt frustration rising in him. It wasn’t helping for her to list off what it wasn’t.

“What the hell is it then?” he demanded.

They looked at him, surprised by his hostile tone.

“Does this man have a history of panic attacks?” the doctor asked.

Dean hesitated, glancing at Kara who watch watching quietly.

“Yes.” He admitted.

“I believe that is what is happening.” The doctor decided, looking at them critically over the fact that they failed to mention it.

“You think he’s having a panic attack? He’s sleeping. How can you have a panic attack in your sleep?” Dean questioned.

The woman sighed and nodded at the nurses to leave.

“This is his brain activity and it is still very active. He’s dreaming about something and that something is stressful on his body. Chemicals are being released in his body with the stress and his body is reacting to them with an elevated heart rate. There is nothing we can do because it is not physically affecting his health.”

Dean stared at her.

“Isn’t there anything you can do?” he asked, sounding more desperate than angry at this point.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Williams. There’s nothing we can do.” She said sympathetically before turning to walk out.

Dean sighed heavily and sat back, rubbing his forehead as Castiel’s heart rate slowly went back to normal.

“Come on, Cas.” He said, leaning forward to brush his hands over his forehead. “You can pull through this.”

He remained still as his heart rate steadied. Dean let out a sharp breath and lifted his hand to his lips, skimming them over the back before his eyes lifted to the ceiling.

“Listen to me you heartless, absent son of a bitch.” He growled, anger filling him once again. “You have stood by while your children destroy the humans and each other. You have watched as they try to bring on the apocalypse more than once and you’ve done nothing. So you pay attention to me, you cold bastard… your son is dying here. He risked his life to save the world again and I know that you’ve brought him back before. There has to be a reason so you better do it again, now. If you ever loved Cas, if you ever loved any of them, you will fix what your children broke and you will fix Castiel.”

Kara was silently as Dean waited, clenching his teeth.

—————

_Castiel was hunched over trying to catch his breath when he heard the sharp inhales of his brothers and sister. His head turned and he saw a familiar face. He straightened up slowly, his body turning slowly as his father walked forward still in Chuck’s visage._

_“Hello Father.” The others chorused._

_He nodded at them, walking straight to Castiel._

_“You did well, Castiel.”_

_He let out a sharp breath and looked down before glancing up at him._

_“I did everything you asked. I helped to defeat Abaddon and I am dying because of it.” he sighed._

_“Yes.” His father nodded._

_“Please, I told Dean…”_

_His father nodded, smiling slightly._

_“Yes I know what you told Dean. He’s talking my ear off about it.” he acknowledged._

_Castiel frowned at him, his eyebrows knitting together. He reached out and pressed two fingers to his forehead. Words filled his head and he recognized the voice immediately._

“Give him back, please. He did what was right and he is the reason Abaddon isn’t taking over the world right now. He deserves to live.”

_Castiel felt emotions rushing through him as his father pulled his hand away and Dean’s voice faded from his mind._

_“He loves you.” his father acknowledged._

_“Please send me back.” he pleaded._

_“You did what I asked, Castiel. I can send you where you belong.” His father said._

_“To heaven? Where Metatron is? The angel who stole my grace and used it to kick every other angel out of heaven?” he demanded._

_His father sighed and walked past him._

_“I love him.” Castiel said._

_“I know.”_

_“Please.” He pleaded._

_His father turned back to him with a wary expression._

—————

Dean laid across the bed, his head on Castiel’s covered leg as he fought back sleep that threatened to overtake him. When he heard footsteps, he was immediately on guard. Before his head could lift, he heard a gasp of breath.

“Dean.” Kara said, sounding shocked.

He looked up and stood up quickly when he recognized his face.

“What the hell?” he murmured, shocked.

“Hello Dean.” Chuck said, nodding at him as he shifted from foot to foot.

He walked around the bed, putting himself between him and Castiel.

“You’re dead.” He accused.

“You’re kidding, right?” Kara questioned.

Dean gave her a look that shushed her.

“Not quite as dead as you would think.” Chuck said.

Dean frowned at him.

“Cas said you had to be dead for Kevin to be a prophet.”

Kara shook her head, inching towards the door.

“I’m not going to harm you.” Chuck assured her, glancing at her.

“Harm her? What the hell are you?” Dean growled, his defenses snapping up.

“Not what… who.” He answered, turning back to him.

“You’ve got connections in high places and you haven’t fixed everything yet?” Kara questioned.

“What are you talking about?” Dean demanded.

“I wasn’t exactly honest with you about who I was.” Chuck cut in, interrupting their arguing

Dean looked at him with confusion.

“Who the hell are you then?” he demanded.

He sighed and gestured to his chair.

“You may want to sit down again.” Chuck suggested.

Dean crossed his arms over his chest stubbornly, staring him down. The bearded man sighed and shifted his feet.

“Well, I’m known by many names but I’m pretty sure your favorites for me are… ‘heartless, absent son of a bitch’ and ‘cold bastard’.”

Dean stepped backwards, his eyes wide as he reached back towards the bed and leaned against it.

“I told you to sit down.” he shrugged.

“You… you’re…” he stammered.

“You didn’t know?” Kara asked.

Dean glared at her, effectively shutting her up. He remained silent for a moment, staring him up and down before pointing at Cas.

“Fix him.” he demanded.

Chuck sighed and nodded, stepping around him to look down on Castiel’s prone figure.

“He pleaded with me to bring him back.”

Dean remembered the panic attack and stepped around the bed to look into his eyes.

“Then why haven’t you yet?” he questioned.

Chuck looked up at him with sad eyes.

“He’s done so much. I owe him peace.” He said.

“You owe him more than you can ever repay him for. You can start by giving him back to his family.”

“Or I can give him back his family. I can restore the angels and…”

Dean scoffed, shaking his head.

“Those dicks? The guys who have beat him, tortured him, brainwashed him, and killed him? Really? You want to shove him back up into heaven with them? So that they can start the process again?” he demanded.

Chuck stared back at him.

“I can oversee them. Under my guidance they can…”

“You really think they’ll listen to you after you’ve left heaven in chaos for years? You’ve been hiding in the vessel of a drunk prophet while they’ve been tearing each other apart, taking a good chunk of humans with them. Lucifer, Michael, Pestilence, Famine, War, Death, Crowley, Leviathan, angel tablets, demon tablets, Naomi, Metatron… everything has been spiraling out of control and you’ve been on a fucking bender!” he yelled.

Chuck waved his hand and the door closed, leaving them in silence as Dean breathed deeply.

“I understand your frustration with me…”

“Fix him.” Dean growled, cutting him off.

Chuck nodded, looking down at Castiel.

“I knew that he would suffer for how I created him. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better for me to make him like the other angels. He never fit in with his family.” He said quietly, reaching out to touch his forehead.

Dean watched, remaining quiet despite his overwhelming urge to tell him that there was nothing wrong with Cas.

“He found his own family.” He finally said, looking up at Dean. “I know that.”

“So give him back to us.” Dean sighed.

Chuck stared into his eyes, searching for something.

“You’ll take care of him.” he wasn’t asking a question.

“Every damn day.” Dean confirmed.

He jerked his head in a nod and pressed his hand down more firmly, closing his eyes. Dean watched with wide eyes as light flowed through Castiel’s body and it jerked several times. Suddenly he was still and Chuck drew away, stepping backwards against the wall. Suddenly Castiel’s body began jerking and writhing on the bed. Dean looked down at him with shock to see his blue eyes wide open and panic in them as he choked and gagged. Kara lunged forward, realizing what was happening and slamming her hand down on the nurse’s call button. A woman ran in moments later, darting to the bed.

“He’s fighting the tube!” she yelled over her shoulder, bringing the doctor running in as well.

The same female scrambled around, quickly working to remove the breathing tube from his throat.

“What’s happening?” Dean asked, panic filling him.

“He’s fighting the breathing tube.” The nurse informed the calmly. “It’s a good thing, he’s breathing on his own.”

Dean sighed with relief, relaxing when the doctor removed the tube from his mouth and instantly began checking him over.

“Mr. Marshall? Mr. Marshall can you hear me?” she asked.

Cas jerked away from her, his eyes wide. His eyes fell on Chuck in the corner and suddenly rolled back in his head as he passed out. Dean jumped up again and before he could talk, the nurse reassured him that it was normal after waking up from a trauma such as his knife wound.

“We’ll monitor him and make sure that he’s all right. When he wakes up again we’ll look him over.” She assured him before they all left again.

Dean looked up at Chuck.

“He’ll be fine.” He said simply. “You need to get him out of here before they notice that his stab wound is no longer there. I’ll make sure that you are not remembered.”

“But…” Dean began.

“I love my son, Dean. I hope that you’ll tell him that for me.” Chuck sighed, looking down at Castiel.

“You can stay.” Dean said, staring at him.

Chuck smiled sadly and shook his head.

“No, I can’t.” he said, turning to the door.

Dean looked down at Cas before something else occurred to him.

“Metatron!” he called.

Chuck turned back to him with a sigh.

“I’m going to fix it and restore heaven as it should be. It’s time I went home.” he agreed before opening the door and walking out into the hallway.

“Help me.” Dean said to Kara, gently pulling the IV’s out of his arms and detaching the sensors from his body.

Kara grabbed the chart and ripped the pages out as Dean pulled his jacket off and fitted it around Castiel’s shoulders before he lifted him into his arms.

“Call Sam now. Get him here.” He said as she opened the door for him.

The doctors and nurses were nowhere to be seen as Dean and Kara hurried towards the elevators. She was talking on the phone as she pressed the button. Dean looked down and shifted Cas so that his head was lying on his chest. They walked by everyone without them noticing until they were outside. Dean laid Castiel out onto a bench, kneeling next to him and running his fingers through his hair.

“So you never mentioned that you knew God.” Kara commented.

“I didn’t know myself.” Dean replied, gently pulling Cas’s arms through his jacket.

They heard the rumble from far off and turned to see Sam pulling down the street. He drove right up to the curb and jumped out.

“What happened?” he asked, watching with surprise as Dean lifted Cas again and walked towards the car.

“You remember Chuck?” Dean said.

“Yeah, of course.” Sam nodded, helping him into the car as he laid Castiel on the seat before Dean climbed in beside him.

“He’s God.” Dean informed him.

Sam stared at him for a moment before nodding.

“Okay.” He said before closing the door.

Kara climbed into the front seat, glancing back at Dean as he carefully pulled Castiel’s head into his lap. They hurried to the motel room. Charlie was up and awake when they walked in and Dean laid Cas on the bed. He turned to Sam and saw his questioning look as he sat on the edge of the bed beside him. Sam and Charlie both listened closely as he informed them of the entire story.

“Whoa.” Charlie said when he finished.

“Yeah.” Dean agreed.

Sam sat down in a chair, considering the words.

“The whole time?” he asked.

Dean nodded, looking down at Castiel.

“You should get some rest.” Sam said. “We’ll keep watch.”

He began to argue until he realized how exhausted he was.

“Wake me up if anything happens.” He sighed, kicking his boots off before carefully maneuvering Cas under the blankets before climbing in himself.

—————

_“Anna?” Dean said, squinting at her._

_She smiled at him as her hair blew in the light breeze._

_“Hey Dean.” She replied, her voice soft._

_“Is this real?” he asked._

_“Very.” Another voice said._

_He turned and rolled his eyes when he saw Balthazar standing there._

_“You again.” He sighed._

_“Oh you know you missed me.” the blonde man said, smirking at him._

_Dean shook his head before spotting the other angel there._

_“Hey Alfie.” He said, nodding at him._

_“Hello Dean Winchester.” Samandriel replied respectfully._

_He smiled at the adorable angel before looking at Anna._

_“Why am I here?” Dean questioned._

_“Well you can’t very well start a relationship with our brother without having to at least get a few threats.” Balthazar said._

_Anna rolled her eyes and looked back at him._

_“I’m sorry for my actions against you and your family. It was wrong of me.”_

_Dean shook his head, waving her off._

_“It’s forgotten.”_

_She smiled and nodded._

_“We just want to tell you to take care of our brother. Because a lot of us did a horrible job of it. You and Sam are the greatest family he’s ever been a part of and we are happy that he found you.” Anna explained._

_Dean felt warmth filling him._

_“We’ll take care of him.” he assured them._

_“Good. Because I’d hate to have to come kick your ass.” Balthazar said, grinning at him._

_Dean laughed and shook his head before he suddenly felt something tugging him away._

—————

His eyes flew open and adjusted to the darkness of the room quickly. The body next to him was sitting up straight, his head staring straight at the wall.

“Cas?” Dean croaked quietly, rubbing his eyes as he sat up to look at him.

He looked over at him with glittering eyes through the darkness. Castiel’s hand went down to his stomach where his stab wound had been.

“You’re healed. Your dad visited.” Dean informed him quietly, not wanting to startle him.

Cas took a deep breath, nodding with no surprise on his face.

“Hey, are you all right?” he asked, putting a hand on his cheek.

A tear slid out of his eye and he looked up at him for a moment.

“I’m better than all right, Dean.” He said, his gravelly voice rougher than normal.

Dean’s heart stuttered and his mind screeched to a halt as he tried to process what just happened. Castiel smiled slightly as he gaped at him openly.

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically what happens after Cas’ voice is revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’re wondering why Cas acts weird and a little OOC in the first part of this chapter, it’s because my writing wasn’t the best in this chapter. I apologize for that but by the time I realized that I was doing a horrible job, I was more than halfway through and I couldn’t bring myself to rewrite it all.
> 
> There is smut that makes up the majority of this chapter. The next and final chapter is the epilogue that wraps everything up and then I’ll be done. I know it seems hurried but I’ve been working on this story for several months and I’m ready to be done so that I can move onto other projects.

Castiel watched Dean, a patient look on his face as he waited for Dean to realize what was happening.

“You… you…” Dean stammered. “How?”

He smiled slightly and looked down at his lap, shifting and messing with the thin hospital gown that he was still wearing. Dean’s jacket was keeping him as well as the blankets of the motel bed.

“My father healed more than just my injuries. He takes the blame upon himself for what happened. He realized that he created a monster when he promoted Metatron.”

Dean nodded in agreement.

“Good. Maybe he should take responsibility for everything else.” he grumbled, looking down as well.

“He gave us this, Dean. He gave us a fresh start without any big enemies. Crowley is under control, Abaddon is gone for good. Metatron is under control and the remaining angels are being taken back up to heaven as we speak. And Dean… we are speaking.” Castiel reminded him. “Something that neither of us ever though would happen again.”

Dean glanced up at him and a wary look was on his face.

“Yeah but…” he stopped, shaking his head.

Castiel frowned.

“What?”

Dean looked at him with conflict on his face and reached out to take his hand.

“What if it doesn’t last? I mean, nothing ever does with us. We have the worst luck in the world so what’s to keep from you getting mauled by a werewolf next week or hit by a car in a month or falling in the shower tomorrow?”

Castiel shook his head, reaching up to slide his fingers into his hair.

“Nothing. But you’ve known that for your entire life. There’s always a chance for the worst happening but there’s an equal chance for the best happening, even for the Winchesters.” He assured him.

Dean scoffed, looking past him at the wall. Castiel leaned forward, pressing his lips to Dean’s forehead.

“Hello Dean.” He said his name in a low voice, making shivers erupt on his skin.

The hunter let out a breath and hands went to his hips as Castiel shifted to lean towards him. He kissed his cheek lightly.

“Hello…” another kiss to his jaw. “Dean.”

“Cas.” He whispered, his heart pounding in his chest.

“Hello Dean.” Castiel murmured in his ear before pressing his lips just behind it.

Dean tilted his head back as he skimmed over his throat with wet, open-mouthed kisses.

“Hello Dean.” He whispered in his other ear.

Suddenly he lurched forward, flipping Castiel onto his back and seeking his lips out hungrily. The dark-haired man arched up towards him and his hands slid into his hair. When Dean realized what happened, he jerked away and looked horrified.

“I’m sorry, Cas. I didn’t…” he began to say.

“Dean.” He said, stroking the back of his neck. “Stop talking and kiss me.”

Dean’s eyebrows raised but he didn’t argue, leaning down to kiss him once more. Castiel responded eagerly, nibbling on his lower lip and moving his hands to dig his fingers into Dean’s back through his thin t-shirt. They both remembered that Castiel was in a thin paper gown at the same time as their bodies began reacting to his actions. Dean pulled away and caught sight of Castiel staring up at him torn between surprise and desire. Unfortunately, at that moment, the door opened and Sam walked in with Charlie trailing behind him. Dean sprang backwards as Castiel scrambled up and pulled the blankets over his lap.

“Whoa!” Charlie said, grinning as Sam switched on the lights.

Both Dean and Castiel were blushing as they looked between them.  
“We were gone for thirty minutes and you were making out?” Sam questioned, raising his eyebrows at them.

“Leave them alone! They’re alive and freaking God healed Cas! Let them make out for a little while!” Charlie said, nudging him before skipping to the bed and setting down two paper bags. “Nourishment.”

Dean immediately sat down, looking at Castiel shyly and smiling before he opened his bag to pull out a burger.

“I would like to put on real clothing.” the fallen angel admitted.

Dean nodded and stood to walk to his bag, not noticing that Sam dropped his duffle bag and Charlie froze with wide eyes. Castiel accepted the jeans and t-shirt from him and he was walking to the bathroom when they saw the other two staring at them with jaws dropped.

“You… you…” Sam stammered.

Castiel smiled slightly and nodded, glancing at Dean before walking into the bathroom.

“He talked.” Charlie said, looking at Dean questioningly.

“God comes with all sorts of surprises, apparently.” He shrugged.

A grin formed on the younger Winchester’s face as Charlie took a deep breath.

“Hanging around you guys brings the weirdest conversations.” She said, sitting down at the table.

“Dean.” Sam said, stepping forward.

He looked up and saw the concern in his brother’s eyes. Before he could say anything, the door opened again and Castiel stepped out, trying to smooth down his messy hair.

“I’m hungry.” He announced.

They all nodded at him and watched as he sat on the bed and dug through his food bag. Sam gave Dean one last look before moving to stretch out on the other bed. Dean sat next to Cas, close enough for their arms and legs to brush as they ate.

“So… he didn’t restore you as an angel?” Charlie questioned.

They all paused and glanced up at her with raised eyebrows.

“Tactless, sorry Cas.” She sighed.

“It’s all right, Charlie. No, I didn’t… I didn’t want that back. He offered me restoration but I didn’t want it.”

Dean looked at him curiously.

“Why not?” he asked, watching as he bit into his burger.

Castiel glanced over at him and shrugged, swallowing his bite.

“I meant what I said, Dean. Fresh start. Being an angel… never brought me any good except for one thing. You. It got me you and the rest of my friends here on earth. I had no reason to accept.”

Dean nodded, accepting that answer as he turned back to the food.

“You’re just… okay with that? I mean, it’s not like your lost your grace willingly.” Sam commented.

Dean looked at him with a frown as Castiel nodded.

“I’m fine, Sam. I’ve survived this long without it.”

Sam looked at Dean, taking a deep breath as he clearly informed him of what he was thinking in his eyes. The older Winchester considered Castiel’s words for a moment before turning back to his food and pressing in closer to the dark-haired man.

\----------

As they were packing up the Impala to leave, Dean looked up from the trunk to see Sam heading towards him.

“Just one day, Sam.” he sighed, cutting his brother off before he could say anything.

“I didn’t say anything.” His younger brother said, handing him a duffle bag of weapons.

Dean gave him a look and Sam sighed.

“He’s not fixed just like that, Dean. Unless Chuck… God… reached into his head and made him forget about what Metatron did, he’s not fixed. If anything, he should be worse. We don’t even know all that Abaddon did to him because Charlie doesn’t want to talk about it and Kara wasn’t there for most of it. He’s going to break again, Dean. You know that he is and pretending like his problems don’t exist isn’t going to keep them at bay.” He tried to convince him.

“Give us one day to dwell on the fact that we just killed another impossible to kill being. Give me one day to celebrate the fact that the guy I love didn’t die and give me one day… to be in a good mood.” Dean pleaded.

Sam sighed heavily and shook his head before putting a hand on his shoulder.

“He’s fine for now, Dean. I’m as relieved as you are but… we have to be prepared for that to end because he doesn’t just get better from this. The memories are still there. I know that you want to be happy and I support that but…”

Dean nodded, closing the Impala and glancing over to see Castiel walking out with Charlie beside him and Kara trailing behind them.  
“I know, Sam.” he admitted begrudgingly.

\----------

Dean watched, leaning against the doorway, as the others chatted excitedly to Castiel. Crowley and Kevin had greeted them in the main room of the bunker, both of them thrilled to see Castiel alive and to hear that Abaddon was dead. Kara wandered over to him.

“I’ve been waiting for you to kill me. I really thought you would have tried a while ago.” she acknowledged.

Dean glanced over at her.

“Cas vouched for you.” he said simply.

She let out a scoff and leaned up against the wall next to him, folding her arms over her chest.

“You’ll listen to anything he says, won’t you?” she asked.

Dean glanced back at her.

“I didn’t always. That’s why he went into Abaddon’s clutches without me by his side. I’ve learned my lesson.”

Her eyebrows raised and she laughed.

“Well I can’t be the only one shocked by that. Dean Winchester admitting that he was wrong about something. Must be the apocalypse.”

He looked back at her with an unimpressed look.

“Too soon?” Kara questioned, smirking at him.

Dean rolled his eyes before looking back at Castiel who was nodding along with something Kevin was saying.

“You know it won’t end.” Kara said.

“What?” he replied.

“The fight, whatever the hell you two do. It’s not going to end now that Abaddon’s dead. There’s always another power-seeker who takes over. There’s always another plan.”

Dean nodded, not denying her words.

“Trust me, I know.” He agreed before looking over at her. “But it can end for you.”

Kara stared back with questioning eyes.

“You want me to volunteer to be killed?” she asked, looking wary and dismissive.

“No. We can cure you.” Dean said.

Kara let out a laugh and shook her head.

“I’ve been a demon longer than I was ever a human, Dean. I wouldn’t even know how to…” she trailed off with a sigh. “Anyway, you can really use a demon on your side. Chances are I’ll know the next King or Queen of Hell.”

Dean considered her.

“You sure? You can live.” Dean suggested.

She shook her head.

“Don’t worry about me. Worry about your boy. These good things aren’t going to last forever. You of all people know that.” Kara reminded him before pushing off of the wall to walk over to the group.

Dean stared after her with a troubled look on his face before glancing at Cas. As if sensing his gaze, the dark-haired man looked at him and furrowed his brow, tilting his head to the side in a questioning manner. Dean shook his head, a small smile forming on his face to reassure him. Castiel smiled back before turning his attention back to Kevin.

\----------

Dean walked out of the bathroom, wiping his mouth of the toothpaste on a towel. Castiel was sitting in the center of the bed in a pair of sweatpants and nothing else. He was tracing patterns onto the blanket when he glanced up. Dean sighed, setting the towel down on the dresser as he walked towards the bed, unbuttoning his jeans as he went.

“I was afraid that I wouldn’t see you there again.” He said, sliding off his jeans and pulling on the sweatpants that were lying on the edge of the bed.

Castiel smiled at him and reached his hand out, pulling him down and cradling his head into his chest.

“I’m right here, Dean.”

He inhaled deeply when he felt the vibrations from his chest.

“And I love you.”

Dean withdrew and looked up at him, reaching out to smooth his fingers through his hair.

“I love you too, Cas.”

A grin broke across the other man’s face and he leaned in to kiss him deeply. Dean withdrew after a few moments, stroking a thumb over his cheek before moving to lean back against the headboard.

“What happened?” he asked.

Castiel looked as though he expected the question.

“I changed the sigils. My father… he came to me and told me what to do. Just a few different words and the ritual backfired on her. It wouldn’t have killed her, just weakened her which enabled you to kill her at the moment.”

Dean sighed, running his fingers through Castiel’s hair as he leaned into him.

“You had to be tortured for that to happen?” he questioned, troubled.

Castiel shifted uncomfortably for a moment.  
“If I’d walked in and thrown the journal at her feet, Abaddon would have suspected that something was wrong. She would have killed me then and there without question, taking away any chance to kill her. The pain, regrettably, was the key.” He replied in a low voice.

Dean turned his head, looking into his eyes.

“It’s all right, Cas. I’m not mad at you. I just wish… well I wish I hadn’t had to hold you in my arms while you almost died.” He sighed.

Castiel reached up and put his hand on Dean’s cheek.

“I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to worry anymore.”

Dean leaned in and kissed him.

“I hope so.” he admitted.

\----------

**One Month Later**

“Are you sure about this, Cas?” Dean questioned as they shuffled around each other fixing dinner themselves and Crowley.

“We’ve been shut up in this place for the last few weeks, Dean. I know that I am not the only one who is itching to get out of here. I’m not asking for us to take on an entire witch coven or vampire nest. I’m talking about one ghost hunt. I’ve already gathered the information about it.” he tried to convince him.

Dean sighed as he flipped the steaks on the grill.

“I’m just worried. Maybe we should wait just a few more weeks. It hasn’t been that long since Abaddon.”

Castiel stopped him, turning him around to look him in the eyes.

“It has been too quiet, Dean. I’m being driven crazy by these close quarters and I know that you are too. Especially now that Kara has gone off to listen in on the demon stuff and Charlie and Sam took Kevin to New England to look at schools.” He tried to convince him.

Dean considered his words.

“Give me a night, one night… I’ll think about it.” he said.

Castiel pushed up, kissing him lightly.

“Thank you, Dean.”

\----------

Dean and Castiel sighed heavily as they stumbled their way into the motel room. It was four in the morning, they were both exhausted after fighting an entire warehouse full of vampires, and they were covered in blood from head to toe.

“This is not what was supposed to happen. A simple ghost case, Cas.” Dean sighed.

Castiel groaned as he slipped off his jacket and staggered towards the single bed.

“No no no.” Dean caught his arm and pulled him away from it.

“I’m tired.” he complained, half-heartedly struggling with the other man as he dragged him towards the bathroom.

“You are not getting vampire blood all over the sheets. We’ll clean up and then go to sleep.” Dean said, flipping on the bright bathroom light.

Cas pouted but began slowly stripping off his clothes as Dean reached into the shower and turned the water to warm. He got in the shower immediately, standing under the spray as Dean undressed. When the hunter joined him in the shower, he turned to give him a grumpy look. Dean smiled slightly and leaned in, kissing his lower lip that was jutted out.

“You’re cute when you’re cranky.” He said, picking up a washcloth and squirting body wash onto it.

Castiel let out a huff as Dean began washing the red spray off of him.

“I can wash myself.” He said.

“You’re not acting like it.” Dean fired back, amusement in his voice.

Castiel snatched the washcloth away and glared at Dean as he scrubbed down his body. Dean chuckled as he picked up the other washcloth and did the same to his own blood splattered skin. Once Cas was done, he grabbed the shampoo and washed his hair vigorously. After he finished and combed some of the tangles out, he squinted at Dean through the water.

“I’m not even tired anymore.” he said accusingly.

“Oh you will be as soon as we lay down.” Dean sighed, turning away from him to put the shampoo down on the shelf behind him.

Suddenly Castiel was pressed up against him and his arms encircled his waist. Dean gasped when he felt his lover’s half-hard erection poking into his back.

“I mean… I’m not tired anymore.” Cas said huskily.

He found himself leaning back into him. Ever since the night after the confrontation with Abaddon, they’d somewhat explored each other’s bodies and continued what they started. But there were certain things they hadn’t done.

“What would you like me to do about it?” Dean questioned, turning his head.

Castiel’s lips pressed against his, his hand sliding into his wet hair as his other hand drifted down his body. Dean groaned loudly when his hand encircled his erection.

“I think you know.” He whispered, sliding his hand up and down his length and swiping his thumb over the tip.

Dean circled his hips and thrusted them forward into his hand.

“I didn’t bring…” he began.

“I did.” Castiel interrupted him, turning him around and pressing him up against the wall.

He pushed his hips into his and grinded their cocks together as his lips attacked Dean’s eagerly. The hunter responded in kind, rocking his body into Cas’.

“You sure about this?” he mumbled, his hand fumbling to turn off the water as Castiel kissed down his throat and neck.

“Yes.” The former angel responded simply, ripping the curtain open and pulling Dean out.

He moved towards the bathroom door but Dean stopped him.

“If we’re not getting blood on the sheets, we’re not going to get them soaking wet either.” He said reaching for two towels.

Castiel groaned, yanking it out of his hands before quickly drying off his body. Dean chuckled and moved slower, intent on torturing him for a while. When Castiel was done, he stood there watching him with narrowed eyes. Dean bent over to dry his legs and when he looked up, he choked on his own breath when he saw the other man stroking his length. Before he knew it, he dropped the towel and looked up at him to see his eyes hooded with lust. He moved forward, sliding onto his knees and reaching up to grip his thighs.

Castiel watched with wide eyes. They’d done this before but only a few times. The dark-haired man had yet to get used to the feeling. Dean stared up at him as his tongue darted out and licked over the slit of his swollen cock. He moaned and leaned his head back. When his lips closed around the head and he took some of the length into his mouth, Castiel’s hand slid into his hair. He didn’t thrust forward, keeping himself still on shaky legs.

“Dean.” He moaned, putting his hand under his chin.

“Hmm?” he murmured around his cock, causing him to gasp at the vibrations.

“I need you… in the bed… now…”

Dean pulled away and smiled, licking his lips and allowing Castiel to pull him up. Their lips met again and his tongue delved into his mouth, tasting himself on Dean’s tongue as they stumbled into the bedroom and fell onto the bed. Castiel rolled off of the bed much to Dean’s disappointment. When he saw him produce the small bottle from the duffle bag, Dean’s heart thumped in his chest.

“Cas, are you…”

“Dean I’m sure. Stop asking me.” he cut him off, crawling onto the bed and pushing into him to press their lips together.

Dean smiled slightly and flipped them over, running his hands up his torso. His thumbs swept over his erect nipples and Castiel arched up into the touch.

“Dean please… we have been exploring with foreplay for a month now. I want you now.” he growled, staring up into his eyes with a serious expression.

“So demanding.” Dean murmured, leaning down to press a kiss to his lips as he pulled the bottle out of his hand.  
He nudged his thighs apart with his knees as he popped the bottle cap open. His hand stroked Cas’ erection slowly before it drifted lower. Castiel gasped when his thumb pressed against his entrance. Dean circled it slowly and gently, surprised by the response when his muscles relaxed almost immediately.

“Dean…” he whimpered.

“We’re doing this right, Cas.” He said, pulling his fingers away and pouring a generous amount of lubricant onto his fingers.

Dean rubbed them together to warm the liquid before returning. Castiel’s fingers wove into the blankets and his hips jerked up as his legs widened and he gave him more access to his entrance. Dean bit his lip, glancing up into his darkened eyes as his index finger stroked the hole softly. His finger slid in, enveloped by a tight warmth that made heat shoot straight to his own throbbing erection. Castiel moaned and grinded down onto his hand as he slid his finger in and out. Dean moved down, taking his cock into his mouth again and bobbing up and down as he slowly slid a second finger into him.

Castiel let out a cry of pleasure and bucked his hips up unwillingly. Dean moved his other hand to his stomach and planted it there, keeping his hips down as he pumped his fingers in and out of him before scissoring them to stretch him out. His body shook with desire and nervousness. Dean was terrified of hurting the other man, especially after everything that had happened in the past few months. Castiel didn’t seem to mind, rocking onto his hand as pleas for more fell off his lips.

Dean finally searched for the spot inside of him and Castiel let out a cry as his fingers brushed his prostate. Dean pulled away and slid up his body, slowly teasing his entrance with a third finger before very gently sliding inside as well. Castiel writhed against him, accepting his kiss eagerly and reaching down to stroke Dean’s neglected length.

“Now… please.” He whimpered pleadingly.

Dean took a deep breath before pulling his fingers out. He poured more lube into his hand before spreading it over his length. Castiel watched him as his cock nudged his hole and barely pushed in. He inhaled sharply and Dean stopped.

“You all right?” he asked.

Castiel nodded quickly, wrapping his legs around his waist and digging his fingers into his back, pulling him forward to encourage more. Dean nodded as well, pushing in very slowly despite his urge to snap his hips forward and sink all the way into the velvet heat surrounding him. Castiel was making small noises as he pushed in. He rocked against him and pressed small kisses to his shoulders and neck. Dean sighed and gripped his hips, letting out the breath he’d been holding when he was finally as far as he could go. He drew away and looked down into Castiel’s eyes, an unspoken question on his face. Cas nodded at him, answering as he experimentally rolling his hips.

Dean let out a moan and tightened his hands on his hips. He drew back slowly before pushing forward again. He was afraid that he would leave bruises because of his tight grip. But when Castiel whispered for him to hold him tighter and thrust in harder, Dean obliged. His thrusts became quicker and his hand slid up Castiel’s torso and into his hair, tugging on the strands as his other hand went to his cock to stroke it in sync with his thrusts. Castiel bucked and writhed underneath him as he struck his prostate every once in a while.

“Dean...” he moaned, clutching at his shoulders as he rocked into him.

“Hmm?” Dean answered, currently nibbling and kissing hickeys into his throat and chest.

“I want… I want you… I want to…” he tried to say, his words coming out in breathless gasps.

Dean drew away, looking down at him.

“What do you want, Cas?” he questioned in a husky voice.

Castiel stared at him for a moment before pushing on his chest. Dean fell backwards, pulling out of him with wide eyes as a cold feeling ran through him. Before he could ask what he did wrong, Cas was flipping them over and straddling his hips. He was sinking down onto his length before Dean could react and a sharp cry ripped its way out of the hunter’s throat. Castiel inhaled and exhaled deeply, allowing them both to get used to the new angel before his hips began rocking. He circled them and grinded them against Dean as he leaned forward and put his hands on his chest.

Dean reached up and brushed his fingers over the red marks on his skin with a vaguely triumphant look. Castiel caught the look and squinted at him before diving down and doing the same to his own skin. Dean chuckled but his amusement was cut short when his teeth scraped over his nipple lightly and his moans filled the air again. Castiel became feverish with his movements, slapping their skin together and scratching down his chest. Dean helped, thrusting up into him and once again stroking Cas’ cock quickly. Their moans were swallowed by their kisses.

 _“Dean… I’m about to… I’m going to…_ ” the words echoed in his mind as Castiel didn’t want to break away from the passionate kiss.

“Let go, Cas.” Dean whispered against his lips, flipping them over and snapping his hips forward quickly and chasing his own orgasm.

When Castiel began clenching down on him, he aimed for his prostate with every thrust. Castiel let out a long shout of Dean’s name and white streams of come decorated his stomach as he threw his head back and gripped the blankets wit his hands and pushed down against Dean to make his pleasure last as long as possible. Waves of pleasure rolled through his body and made him tremble as Dean continued thrusting into him. Before he finished, Dean finally let go as well and he began spilling out hot seed into him, hiding his shouts of pleasure in Castiel’s throat as he continued pushing his hips forward. The dark-haired man stroked his hair and whispered loving whispers in his ear as they both finished.

Once they pulled apart and cleaned up, Dean fell down to the bed and pulled Cas’ head onto his chest. Their legs were entangled and Castiel placed soft kisses to his chest.

“Now I’m tired.” he decided again, making Dean laugh.

“I’m glad I could tire you out again.” Dean replied.

Castiel nodded and looked up at him.

“That was amazing, Dean.” He marveled, stroking his stomach lightly as Dean smiled down at him.

“It was, Cas.” He agreed, touching his cheek and swiping his thumb over his lip.

They both laid back again and Dean pulled the blankets up over them, both ready to fall asleep after the extensive activity they’d experienced that day.

\----------

_“Why am I here?” Dean questioned, glancing around as he recognized the place._

_It was where he’d seen Anna, Balthazar, and Samandriel._

_“Castiel and my other children aren’t the only ones that I owe for what they went through.” Chuck said, standing in front of him._

_“I didn’t ask for anything from you.” Dean replied._

_He smiled sadly, nodding once._

_“Yes, I know. But you didn’t have to.”_

_Dean titled his head to the side, confused. Chuck stepped backwards before turning away to walk off._

_“Hi Dean.”_

_He froze and his eyes widened before he turned around slowly._

_“Mom?”_

_She smiled widely, looking as beautiful as he’d ever seen her. Dean watched her for a moment, hesitant before he walked forward and hugged her. Mary squeezed him back, instantly soothing away his wariness._

_“I can’t believe it’s you. I mean I’ve had a couple of dreams but… it’s really you.” he acknowledged, looking down at her._

_Mary nodded, reaching up to pat his cheek._

_“It’s really me.” she assured him._

_Dean sighed and bent down, burying his face in her hair and inhaling deeply, the smell reminding him of his childhood._

_“I love you, Mom.” he murmured._

_She smiled and rubbed his arm as she pulled away to look into his eyes._

_“Now let’s talk about that boy of yours.” She said, pulling him down to sit with her on the grass._

_Dean flushed and shook his head._

_“He’s not exactly a boy.” He informed her._

_“You treating him right? He’s good, I know he is.” Mary questioned._

_“Yeah, Mom. I am.” He nodded._

_She smiled and patted his leg._

_“Good. He’s not completely healed, you know. He’s still got issues even if he doesn’t want to admit it.” Mary agreed._

_“I know. That’s why I don’t want to take him hunting yet. I don’t think he’s ready even if he thinks he is.” Dean nodded._

_She sighed heavily, leaning her head onto his shoulder._

_“I wish you wouldn’t hunt at all anymore. You and Sam have done your time and…”_

_“We’ve both tried quitting, Mom. It didn’t work for either of us. It’s in our blood and you know it. There’s no life for us without hunting. I know that you hate that but it’s the truth. Besides, hunting brought me Cas and you know that other than Sam, he’s the best thing I got going for me.” Dean explained._

_Mary looked over at him with raised eyebrows that reminded him of the face he always saw his brother make._

_“Hunting also lost you and Sam your whole family. I just don’t want to see you lose anyone else. You deserve happiness, Dean. Even if you don’t think that you do, you do. You have sacrificed so much for others and I want you to take care of yourself and let your brother take care of himself… and take care of Castiel.”_

_Dean let out a scoff._

_“Do you really think that Cas’ll let me take care of him? He’s almost as stubborn as…”_

_“As you?” Mary interrupted, turning to look at him with raised eyebrows._

_He laughed and nodded._

_“Yeah, as me.”_

_His mother laughed as well, a pealing laugh that lifted his heart and caused warmth to fill him._

_“Your father was the same way. So is Sam. The Winchester men.” She sighed, looping her arm through his._

_“And the women.” Dean reminded her._

_Mary leaned into him and he laid his head on hers. Suddenly he felt a disturbance around them and frowned, glancing around to see what was going on._

_“It’s time for you to wake up, Dean.” She said softly, rubbing his arm._

_“What is it?” Dean asked, looking at her with concern._

_She leaned up and kissed his cheek._

_“He needs you.”_

\----------

Dean jerked away, barely able to take in his surroundings before he felt something hit his side. His head turned to see Castiel breathing heavily and jerking around on the bed. His eyes were squeezed shut and sweat tainted his skin. Dean’s heart sank as he realized what was happening. It had been an entire two weeks without a nightmare.

“Cas.” He mumbled, his voice rough with sleep as he reached over to touch him.

A low whimper escaped from the other man’s throat and Dean took a deep breath, not knowing that witnessing the nightmares could be any worse. He was so grateful that he had his voice back but hearing his reaction to nightmares for the first time made Dean’s heart sink. His hands went to his shoulders and he shook him lightly.

“Cas… wake up.” Dean said quietly, sitting up to get a better grip on him.

Suddenly he jerked up, his limbs flailing and cry of panic ripping out of his chest.

“Hey! It’s okay!”

Castiel clenched his hands in the blankets as he stared straight ahead, breathing heavily and shaking violently.

“Cas?” Dean murmured, reaching out towards him slowly.

When his hand touched his shoulder again, the dark-haired man flinched before looking at him with wide eyes that were glittering in the dark.

“It’s all right. It was just a dream.” Dean said quietly, keeping his voice quiet to soothe him and not alarm him more.

Castiel swallowed hard, his throat bobbing before wetness filled his eyes.

“I thought…” his voice broke and he took a shuddering breathe, reaching out to squeeze Dean’s knee. “I thought that it was over.”

Dean sighed and reached towards him, pulling him in.

"I know, Cas." He whispered, stroking his hair as Castiel's arms wound around him and he buried his face in his shoulder. "We'll work at it, okay? We're not going to give up and, if you want, we'll do everything we can to help you. I promise that I'll be here for you every step of the way. It may not be over now but I'll stay by your side for as long as you want me here."

He pressed into him, his body’s shaking slowly diminishing as Dean soothed him with low words and stroking fingers. Slowly, Castiel lifted his head and stared into his eyes.

“It was Abaddon and Metatron.” He mumbled.

Dean sighed and ran his fingers through Castiel’s hair gently.

“Don’t talk about it if you don’t want to. I’m here for you no matter what.” he assured him.

Castiel stared at him for a moment before leaning in to kiss him lightly on the lips.

“I don’t deserve you, Dean.” He whispered against his lips.

Dean let out a sharp sigh before pulling him in tightly, kissing him deeply before he pulled away to look him in the eyes.

“I don’t deserve you either, Cas.” He replied.

Castiel took a deep breath before smiling slightly.

“What a pair we make.”

Dean grinned and swept his thumbs under the other man’s eyes were the wetness was gathered.

“I love you, Cas.” He murmured.

“I love you too, Dean.” Castiel nodded, moving in closer to press their lips together once more.


	22. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is not going to be a long chapter. I’m sorry for that but I’m exhausted and had a hard time writing it. I hope that you don’t hate it too much. Krissy, Aiden, and Josephine are from ‘Freaks and Geeks’ in the eighth season.

**Epilogue – Six Years Later**

“We’re heading out!” Josephine announced, nodding at Dean’s turned back before her and Aiden headed for the door.

“Wait!” Dean yelled, calling the two back.

They sighed and rolled their eyes, turning back to the kitchen.

“You’re hunting a wraith?”

They nodded, waiting impatiently to go.

“You know how to kill ‘em?” Dean questioned, emptying the bacon from the skillet onto a paper towel covered plate.

“Yeah.” Aiden nodded. “Silver kills them and a mirror reveals their true faces.”

“Great.” Dean grinned at them. “You can spare a few minutes to eat breakfast before you go.”

Both of the young hunters groaned and walked back in to get food. Footsteps reached their ears and Krissy walked in, a squirming little body in her arms.

“Delivery!” she announced proudly.

Dean glanced up at her and his face lit up.

“Hey!” he said happily, reaching out to take her. “There’s my little monster!”

Light blue eyes peered up at him, squinting in a manner that he’d seen on an entirely different face a thousand times before. She wiggled in his grip, a pout on her face.

“I’m not a monster! I’m a girl!” she shot back petulantly.

“Are you sure?” Dean questioned, placing her on the counter as the others watched with amused looks. “Let’s check you out.”

He began looking over her body with a calculating look.

“Let’s see.” He picked up her hand and inspected her fingernails. “No claws.”

A giggle escaped from her mouth as she shook her head. Dean reached up and lifted her top lip to peer into her mouth.

“No sharp teeth.”

“Daddy!” she yelled, exasperated and amused by his behavior.

Dean winked at her, his eyes sparkling as he lifted her foot to look it over.

“No webbed toes.” He acknowledged, tickling her foot and making her squeal before dropping it.

She sighed impatiently as the others exchanged smiles. Dean reached out, pushing her pajama shirt up to look at her stomach.

“Hmm… no scales or fur.” He said thoughtfully.

Suddenly his head swooped down and he blew on her stomach, making loud noises as she squirmed and laughed loudly. Dean pulled away chuckling as well.

“All right fine. You are 100% human.” He sighed, admitting defeat.  
“I told you!” she said, reaching up and encircling her arms around his neck as he lifted her off the counter.

Dean nodded, leaning in to place a loud kiss on her cheek. She returned it, smacking her lips on his freckled skin. More footsteps came towards the kitchen and they all glanced up to see who it was.

“Smells delicious.” The new voice said befor he rounded the corner.

“Papa!” the little girl exclaimed, practically diving out of Dean’s arms before leaping at Castiel as he walked into the room.

He caught her easily, lifting her high in the air before settling her on his hip.

“There’s my Abby girl.” he said, smiling brightly at her as she leaned her head on his shoulder.

Dean walked to him, placing a soft kiss on his lips.

“How’d everything go?” he asked, returning to the counter to make them both a plate for breakfast before he would make his own.

“Good. The doctor said that I no longer had to come in for regular appointments, just as needed.” Castiel answered, sitting down on a barstool with Abigail on his lap.

“That’s great, Cas.” Dean breathed, looking thrilled.

Convincing Castiel to see a therapist years ago hadn’t been easy but their lives were better for it, especially since it enabled them to adopt Abigail.

“You wanna celebrate by going on a job with us, old man?” Aiden asked, grinning at him.

Castiel laughed as Dean shook his head.

“I think I’ll stick with my day job. Good luck, though.”

Abigail nudged him as Dean placed two plates of food in front of them.

“I’m human!” she announced.

Castiel looked at her with a furrowed brow before sighing.

“Was Daddy inspecting you again?” he questioned, looking up at Dean who was trying to look as innocent as possible while he munched on a piece of bacon.

Abigail nodded, looking up at him as well. They both adopted the eerily similar squinting look and Dean shook his head.

“You really have to stop teaching her that. She’ll be intimidating people before she hits grade school.”

Cas looked down at her and cracked a smile.

“We’re gonna head out.” Krissy informed them, standing up with the other two.

“Be careful.” Dean said.

“Call the bunker or us if you need anything.” Castiel reminded them.

Josephine made a face.

“We’ll call you first. Crowley always gives us sarcastic responses for five minutes before he ever tells us anything useful.” She grumbled.

Dean and Castiel exchanged looks.

“If you want, you can always ask to be patched through to Kara.” The darker haired man said.

“He gets snarky with us if we ask to do that too. And Kara isn’t much better.” Aiden said.

“I’ll talk to them.” Dean sighed, rolling his eyes as he handed Abigail a glass of milk.

“I wanna see Uncle Crowry and Uncle Sam!” Abigail exclaimed.

Castiel stared at Dean who was in turn staring at their daughter with a slight smile on his face.

“You told her that he was Uncle Crowley.” Dean reminded him.

“We decided that we would allow him to be part of the family.” Castiel hissed back.

“She likes him.” Dean fired at him.

“He’s the former King of Hell, Dean!”

The three younger people all stared between them with wide eyes.

“And on that note…” Krissy trailed off, grinning at them and waving before they turned to walk out.

Castiel looked at Dean with a wary look.

“I have to go to work.” He reminded him.

Dean nodded, leaning across the counter to kiss him deeply.

“I’ll take Abigail over to the bunker and talk to Crowley.” He murmured. “I won’t let him mention anything we wouldn’t want.”

Castiel smiled and kissed him again.

“Love you.” he said, straightening up and placing Abigail on the barstool in his place.

“Love you too.” Dean replied, grinning at him as he watched him go.

\----------

“Really?” Sam sighed as they sat on the bench.

“Yeah.” Dean nodded, handing him a cup of coffee as they watched the children stumbling around the playground.

The younger Winchester shook his head, blowing into the small hole on the lid.

“Putting him in charge of the bunker was either the best or worst decision we ever made.” He sighed.

Dean shook his head.

“He’s not in charge of the bunker. He’s in management. It’s still ours and he knows that screwing things up earns him a one-way ticket to traveling around with Garth again.” He reminded his brother.

Sam let out a chuckle before glancing up at the woman walking towards them. She bent over, pressing her lips to Sam’s as Dean watched with raised eyebrows.

“Well hey.” Sam breathed, grinning up at her.

“Shut up and watch your son.” She replied, winking at Dean before setting the baby boy in his father’s lap.

Sam grinned and held him up in the air, laughing as a smile formed on the infant’s face.

“Bobby.” he murmured to get his attention.

He let out a squeal and kicked his legs as the brothers laughed. Alison smiled at them, ruffling Sam’s hair before turning to the playground.

“Ellie!” she called her daughter, charging forward. “Don’t pull Abigail’s hair!”

Dean glanced past Sam and Bobby to see that Abigail was hugging Sam’s older daughter, obviously forgiving her for pulling her hair. Sam sighed as he placed his son on his lap and glanced over at Dean.

“Did you ever imagine us ending up here?” he asked.

Dean glanced back over at him.

“With families and the apple pie life? Kids and spouses and playgrounds? No, I always thought… well I guess it just never seemed like there was another ending for us. Hunters always go the same way.”

Sam shook his head.

“Not anymore. We’ve broken the tradition.”

Dean sighed and nodded.

“I hope so.” he said, thinking of Krissy, Aiden, Josephine, and all of the other hunters that came through Lebanon to seek their guidance and help.

“Remember that Charlie and Garth are coming next week for Abby’s birthday.” He reminded Dean.

“Yeah and Kevin too. He’s bringing his fiancé to meet us.” Dean nodded in agreement.

Suddenly hands touched either of Dean’s cheeks and a pair of lips descended on his head.

“You know when I told you that I would see you later, I didn’t think you’d be at my school.” Castiel murmured as Dean titled his head back to look at him.

“Play date.” He shrugged, grinning at him.

Castiel smiled back before glancing at Sam as he moved around to sit with them on the bench.

“Hello Sam.” he greeted.

“Hey Cas. You’re not teaching right now?” he asked.

Castiel shook his head.

“My kids are having lunch.”

Dean leaned into him, watching as Abigail waved eagerly at them before she hopped onto the slide. The three men remained silent for a moment before Sam opened his mouth to speak.

“Look at us. I don’t think we ever really thought it would end up like this, huh?” He said.

Dean glanced over at him, shrugging.

“I think this is about right. Two former hunters turned family men with kids. A former angel turned history teacher. Two former demons turned informants and helpers to hunters.”

Castiel squeezed his hand.

“It only made sense for me to be a history teacher. I was there for most of it.” he reminded Dean.

Dean let out a laugh as Sam shook his head.

“All I’m saying is… we’ve showed everyone else and ourselves exactly what free will does.”

They all considered the words.

“It turned us all into boring people?” Sam questioned.

They all laughed as their children ran towards them trailed by Alison who looked exhausted. Abigail threw herself across Dean and Castiel’s laps, grinning up at them happily as her blonde hair fanned out. Dean grinned down at her, stroking her long blonde hair before he leaned down to kiss her forehead.

“I love you, Mary Abigail Winchester.” He whispered to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this doesn’t disappoint you too much. It’s not the greatest in my opinion but I’m still satisfied. I’m sorry if you aren’t and in that case, I think that you should forget about this chapter and consider the last one to be the epilogue.
> 
> Sam and Dean’s kids names:
> 
> Mary Abigail (Abby) Winchester
> 
> Robert (Bobby) Castiel Winchester
> 
> Ellen (Ellie) Deanna Winchester

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, all feedback is welcome and loved. Please let me know what you think.


End file.
